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April 30, 2006
Question: I have been goin out with this girl for 4 months. Im a senior and shes a junior. Shes been acting like jerk lately. Ive found the reason to be that i will be goin to college soon and she is nervous. She used to be so much fun to be with and intimate but now shes always angry. Yesterday at her junior prom when we were slow dancing she said "we need to talk" and that is when i figured the whole college thing. I talked to her about the college thing the next day and turns out i was right. She says she doesnt want to do a long distance relationship. She said she wants to breakup before i go to college.
Her best friend dumped her boyfriend the day after her prom, so i think my girlfriend only wanted me for her junior prom. My senior prom is coming up this Saturday and i can feel that it will end after that night. I feel that the only reason she is even going with me to my prom is that she has already purchased a dress and i had already bought the really expensive tickets. I dont care about my prom but i do care about my pride. She used to be crazy about me but now i hardly get any attention. All she says i want to be with my friends. I want to give her the boot since she has been such a jerk lately. She is treating me like crap. She says im not observant enough and just acts all depressed around me until one of her lame little friends comes around. What should i do wizard, give her the dump now or after prom?
ANSWER: If you are sure you’ll be miserable, you can of course dump her before the prom, but go with her and have as much fun as you can. This is why:
1) You get to go to the prom with a date. You can see your friends and have some fun, even if your relationship is in a tailspin.
2) If you dump her before the prom, she will be hugely miserable, and goodness knows what hell will befall you in the next four weeks or so of school. The wizard suspects the hell that’s coming if you dump her will exceed the intensity of any hardship you will suffer at the prom if you go with her.
You have had some good times with her. Try to make the best of it with her at the prom. If it doesn’t work out, you will at least have saved yourself from several additional truckloads of trouble. And, if it works out, then you will have a reasonably good time.
3) Going with her will do your pride good. You will have stuck with your end of the deal and weathered the storm of your relationship to do it.
4) If she continues to be a jerk with you that night, after you go so far to be right with her, you’ll know for sure that she’s not good enough for you and deserves the dump, and it will be that much easier to do after the prom.
Wizard
April 26, 2006
Question: I have been dating this girl for almost 2 and a half years. I am currently 21 and she is 20 and although we have had our shares of ups and downs it’s been in my opinion pretty good overall. The problem comes with the fact that I live in Canada and she lives in USA. It’s only about an hour drive but we can’t live together without moving to a very big step. She doesn’t have a car of her own so I have to pick her up if she comes to Canada and drive to see her although we see each other at least every 2 weeks. Lately as in the past few months its been getting rough, as we have both been thinking more about the future and what we want to do. She is very set in going to school in USA and I have a good job prospect lined up here.
About a month ago we almost called everything off because she said that I was starting to treat her unfairly and was getting mean. We didn’t talk at all for like 3 days after getting in our fight but finally I called her. When we were talking I explained to her how I needed her and that I wanted to be with her and that I would work on my problems, which as of today I have made very good progress on. After our big discussion I had thought that we had worked out our problems but boy was I wrong... I just got back from seeing her for 2 days. The first day went really well for the most part but she seemed to be a little distant and she wasn’t into me at all touching her intimately. Though I didn’t think much of it at the time it falls together with the next day. For the past 2 or 3 weeks I had noticed her mention her one friend Michael more and more and although I was sure that she would not cheat on me I told her that I did not appreciate hearing about the other guy all of the time (though not in those words…). so the . . . (words missing) . . . acted to him. After blowing up and calming down as much as I could she decided that she might want to take a break, though I told her if she wanted to take a break it was over. All she could say was I don’t know and that she was confused. She didn’t want to choose between her friendship between him and her relationship with me. When I pushed it she was still reluctant and said she liked him too because he was different, but that she still loved me though she was unsure if it was as much as a year ago. Later that day I was telling her how I didn’t want to take a break or break up because I loved her very much and I wanted it to work. We agreed that she would stay friends with him on conditions that she would not see him often, or at inappropriate times, and that she would pursue him no further and shoot down any attempts on his side. The reason I am asking about dumping her or not is the points she brought to my attention.
First. She is my first major girlfriend although I don’t see how that really matters if we love each other.
Second. After she kind of cheated on me I have a real hard time thinking if I can trust her enough although I want to try.
Third. Should I really think this might work out? I mean is it worth trying after this. I love her so much but I am not as sure if she feels the same anymore. But I am afraid to loose her. Am I being realistic to try to hang on and make this work? She says that she will give us another chance but she said that after our big fight a month ago, and then this happened. I really do love her but I don’t know if I am being unrealistic or if it is just hopeless.
ANSWER: The wizard will not advise that it is hopeless and will not use “never” unless it is clearly so. Though it appears that you might have a chance, the wizard perceives several issues that suggest that she might be ready to dump you.
You said it’s been getting rough in the past few months “as we both have been thinking about the future and what we want to do” with the relationship. When a dating couple starts thinking about the future and what they want to do, this is a wonderful time of joy. If things get worse at that moment, this is a sign of trouble. It’s like skating on ice, thinking of the direction you’re going and suddenly the ice starts cracking under you.
A month ago she complained to you about you “treating her unfairly and getting mean.” Not a good sign if this happens in the time that you discuss your future together.
During your two-day visit with her, you noticed she was distant (another bad sign) and that she was uncomfortable with intimate touching (nearly a death knell in a relationship when you are discussing your future together).
She mentions a male friend and then she expresses confusion (two signs you do not want to see together). Soon after she states that she is unsure that her love for you was as strong as a year ago. By this time the relationship’s bleak future should be evident.
You deserve credit for your best efforts, but then you enter a one-sided agreement that she can stay friends with her male friend under conditions that protect your relationship with her. This, in the wizard’s opinion, may be the final push into dateless oblivion. You are too far away to exercise that kind of control. Even if you could succeed in controlling her, it is the kind of male domination that most women find offensive and will likely rebel against. If she loved you such an agreement is wholly unnecessary.
Don’t let this discourage you about dating. If the relationship fails, you will find another major girlfriend who will not be confused about her love and commitment to you, and you will happily date her without concerns about male friends living nearby.
Wizard
April 23, 2006
Question: I’ve been dating this girl for 3 weeks and everything was good except she was a little clingy but i got over that. But i went on vacation with school and i started hanging out with this other girl. now i think i like the other girl more than my girlfriend and i don’t want to hurt her because she loves me but i want to let her down easily so she won’t make things up about me or be depressed and still be friends with me.
ANSWER: These are noble goals. Dumping would be so much easier if every time we did it the girl friend stayed a friend and didn’t get upset or hurt by it.
Your wish to date another girl is normal and perfectly okay. You shouldn’t be hindered by your worry about how the first girlfriend will react. It is better to do a dump and hope for the best than not to do it at all. If you don’t dump her, you’ll still want to date the new girlfriend and then you’ll be two-timing the first girlfriend, and then she’ll surely get hurt.
Better to give it your best. Be honest, direct, and clear about it, but don’t dump on her, just dump her. Tell her you want to remain friends and that you don’t want to hurt her. She’ll be fine, in time, and she’ll find another guy to date.
Wizard
April 23, 2006
Question: i have been going out with this girl for a year and recently i have started to go off her and i dont want to spend as much time with her. ive got my exams coming up soon and so has she so i dont want to upset her and make her fail as they are really important. all she wants to do is spend time with me and all i want to do is go out with the lads. thanks
ANSWER: You can delay telling her about the end of the relationship, save her from failing her exams, avoid her for a while, study for your exams and do well, and take care of your relationship later when exams are over.
Have a conversation with her in which you make it clear that you, and she, will need to study for exams, so you want to cool off with the relationship at least until exams are over. When the exams are over, if she wants to revive the relationship, you can explain that you would rather not.
Wizard
April 19, 2006
Question: hey, i have been dating a girl in my form for about 10 weeks. we are in year 10. she is a sweet girl and all, but i just dont like her the way i used to. i want to dump her but i want to let her down softly not only cos i want to stay friends with her but also because we have the same friends and i dont want them to think me a bad guy. help please?
ANSWER: Be respectful of her. Tell her that you are not dumping her because of anything bad about her. Don’t lead her down two paths – make sure she understands that you want to move on now, and not re-think it or debate it or try again later.
You can tell her that you prefer a friendship to a dating relationship and ask if she is cool with that.
This is not easy and it may be inevitable that she will be hurt. If you are respectful and treat her well, that is what she will remember after she gets over it.
Wizard
April 17, 2006
Question: Hi, I could really do with your advice. I've been going out with a girl for 2 and a half years now. We have an overseas relationship and see each other 4 times a year, 2 weeks at a time. I always thought I would eventually meet someone else and we would finish but I haven't met anyone better than her. It is getting to the point where either we get more serious and consider marriage or we go our separate ways. She wants to get more serious but I don't know what I want. She is a lovely girl and I know I'm lucky but I don't feel I truly love her. I am starting to get stressed about it all and really can't decide what to do. She loves me very much so I am really scared about how much I will hurt her if we finish. I am also scared that I will never meet anyone as nice as her again. I am 34 so time is not on my side and I feel my looks are fading so I will soon not be so popular as I once was and will end up on my own. I am meant to be going to see her end of May so I've got to make my mind up pretty soon
ANSWER: Lucky, indeed. A beautiful lady thinks highly of you and wants to be with you. You doubt that you love her. At the same time you can’t state anything that shows a reason to not like her. In fact you express that you “haven’t met anyone better than her” and you “will never meet anyone as nice as her again.” The wizard perceives no reason to dump her except that you do not want to get more serious with her.
Don’t fret about your looks at 34. You can stay fit and attractive for a long time. You need to center in on your mind and your emotions. What is it you want out of your love life? What are the key factors you look for in a good woman with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life? Are these are hard questions? You will find that they really aren’t so hard when you start to ask the right questions.
If she fits, you’ll deeply regret not giving her every chance to be your long-term love. If you just can’t pull it together, start to think about whether you are good for her. Be sensitive to her needs, but don’t forget about yours. Don’t miss the best thing for you – give it a chance, the wizard thinks. The wizard thinks you will do the right thing. By the way, sometimes we think too much.
If she wants to run away with you and be crazy, don’t say no too quick. If you are lech for other women, the wizard takes it all back. But if you are infatuated with this lovely woman at all, you should be careful about discarding too much.
Wizard
April 14, 2006
Question: my girlfriend is terrible. she calls me names, disrespects all my friends, and expects me to do every thing she asks the second she says. i've tried dumping her before but she just cries like a little baby. she hits me and says that is how she shows how much she loves me. i don't think this is a very good way to show affection. what should i do?
ANSWER: Dump her, obviously.
Don’t be manipulated by the crying and do not accept that hitting is an appropriate display of affection.
Wizard
April 12, 2006
Question: my girlfriend smokes a lot of pot and is always high. i dont do any drugs and it bothers me and hurts our relationship. what should i do?
ANSWER: Do a dump.
Wizard
April 11, 2006
Question: Hey my girlfriend is hot enough for me to date her but she isn’t hot enough for me to ever marry her. I wanna break up but she starts hysterically crying every time i try. Should i keep her around and see if my feelings change?? Btw we’ve been together for 2 months.
ANSWER: No, you should get the dump done. A swift dump is kinder than a slow dump because the pain usually is shorter. She gets the message and you’re more honest about your feelings. Your feelings are not likely to change – but you’ll torment her all the more if you don’t end it. As cruel as you might think it sounds, dump her and get it over with.
Wizard
April 2, 2006
Question: hey wizard I really like this one girl who really likes me... I mean she really likes me. The only problem is she won't date me because of who my friends are. I don't want to give up my friends and her. Is there any solution to get my friends and her to be ok with each other?
ANSWER: If the girl likes you, then she should be willing and flexible enough to get to know your friends, just as you would do the same for her. Not knowing the girl and your friends, the wizard is only able to give this general advice.
Build trust and confidence between your girl and your friends. The best way is to get them together in the same place. Start small, maybe one friend at a time, not the entire horde of them. Mix into your dates times when a friend or two will “be around,” not a part of the date, just coincidentally there.
When you take her to a place where some of your friends will be, make sure it is a place that you can leave if your girl gets uncomfortable, and be sure that you go with her if she wants to leave.
You shouldn’t have to give up your friends. Inevitably some dates will be at places or events where your friends will be. So if she really doesn’t like them, and if the above advice does not work well, explain to her that she is important to you as are your friends, and you’ll agree to avoid them on dates, if she can tolerate them when they are unavoidable. If she agrees to that, then, as inadequate as this seems, it might be enough of a beginning to get you to where you want.
Wizard
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