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April 27, 2007
Question: Dear wizard, I am seeing a girl that I have loved very much since the age of 13. We went to school together and were friends
there. Nothing happened at that time and she moved away. she has returned home now to our home town and I have moved back too. We are both in our
30s now. She has been married twice and it didn’t work. I have been engaged three times and they didn’t work. Then we just happened
to be in the same place at the same time last September and we caught up. The relationship developed from there. Because we had known each other
for so long the barriers of getting to know the other person weren’t really there. O ur relationship was like a dream come true in every
way for around 6 months. We still live in separate houses and everything as we don’t want to rush things. However, for the first 6 months
we spent a lot of time together and were very intimate. We spent more time at each other’s houses than at home. A couple of months ago now
a friend started to ring her and text her all the time.
ANSWER: This looked like it was going to be a marvelous success story. The message ends without a question, and goodness knows what the
“friend” was doing. Oh, well.
Wizard
April 27, 2007
Question: my girlfriend had a bit of an argument at school. i asked neutral people what actually happened and i found that she was lying
to me. but she says it would break her heart if i was to finish with her. i don’t feel the same about her now as what i did when i started
with her. should i dump her as she lied and have different feelings for her?
ANSWER: Nothing in this question changes the advice already given.
Wizard
April 27, 2007
Question: she lied to me about what had happened at school, but she says it would break her heart if i was to finish with her. have I got
a good reason to dump her as she lied?
ANSWER: Two questions you must ask yourself: 1. Would you be upset enough to dump her if she lied about anything? For example, if
she lied about what color of sweater she wore a week ago, and there is no matter to anyone what color it was, is that bad enough for you just
because it is a lie? If so, you need not go on to the second question. Dump her. 2. If you would want to consider how serious a lie it is, then
did she lie about something important to you? If so, how important was it?
In the end, it all comes down to how upset you are, and whether being upset is justified, at least in your mind. Nothing else really
matters. All things in dating that result in a dump come down to the same analysis.
Wizard
April 26, 2007
Question: I think my girlfriend is using her 2 year old son to try to persuade me into getting married. I have made it clear from day one
that I do not want to get married. She asked me one day if I would consider adopting her son. I said yes. She then followed up with the when do
we get married question. I reminded her that I don't wish to marry and she dangled him in front of me saying that I can't adopt unless we get
married. I don't believe in marriage and don't want to get married. I have also seen some jealous actions when it comes to my daughter. If my
daughter wants to sit next to me my girlfriend gives a look like "I wanted to sit there." She has told her friends that she has our
wedding all planned out even after I told her we were not going to be getting married. Should I dump now or hope she accepts my answer of no
marriage EVER!
ANSWER: She sees ambiguity in your willingness to adopt her child and unwillingness to marry her. You need to explain how you can be
willing to do one and unwilling to do the other.
If you can clear the ambiguity, then she will know what to do, and so will you.
Wizard
April 22, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3.5 years and over that time we have had around 3 major fights (the last
one around 4 months ago. I broke it off with her out of anger because she told me to “**** off”).
We then talked for about a day because she said she didn’t know the reason we were breaking up. I told her the truth - she had too
much power in the relationship and that I had seen such relationships end after long amounts of time (both of our parents relationships ended
partially due to the mother being too dominant and becoming nasty).
There was a similar issue of her talking to me like crap when I did something to annoy her, which she said she couldn’t understand
(being in her tone not what she said). She agreed that she didn’t want to lose me and that she would work on her faults which I was
surprised to hear.
So now sometimes things are great, but over the period of about 4-5 months she is slowly getting back to her old self again. Just this
morning she told me something when I was half-asleep. I didn't hear her and she got annoyed to the point where she was raising her voice and
slamming doors. The thing is, I know and explained to her that she can’t expect me to be perfect especially when I'm not even awake. But
when she gets like that, I always feel like crap no matter what. I don't know what to do. I really love her and I know she loves me because when
I broke up with her she was crying so hard. She was so upset she basically couldn't breathe properly and I thought she was going to choke. She
shows me love and our sex life is great, but why do I get treated like crap? And if I get annoyed she tells me just to suck it up? Is she a
relationship bully? Is there any such thing? Should I dump? And if I don't am I just headed down the same path as my parents? Please help . . .
.
ANSWER: She will act like this again. It will vary in degree from time to time. The issue for you is this: If you love her, how much will
you tolerate to keep your relationship intact? Another way to put it is this: How much will I put up withbecause I love her?
When you love someone and live with that person in the long term, you will become knowledgeable of faults in appearance and personality.
Everyone has them. Lovers cooperate with each other to try to tone down those things that will annoy, and they adjust their sense of anger or
frustration in toleration of those same things.
If you have come to a loving relationship, one of the hallmarks of love is the acceptance of the other’s faults. You must have an
ability to accept those faults and live with them. If you find the faults intolerable, she is not right for you. You cannot expect her
personality to change.Relationship bullies do exist, but she does not appear to be one. She is being herself, which is different from deceiving
you or plotting your misery, as a relationship bully would do.
You must determine whether you can love her for her weaknesses as much as for her strengths, for her faults as much as for her greatness,
and for her dumb mistakes as much as her skills and successes. You accept the whole package. If you get married, you gear up for the many times
in your future when you will wonder what the hell was wrong with you, and then you will remember this advice, and your choice, and you will suck
it up because you love her. In this last bit of advice, this is where your parents likely failed (though, of course, there could have been more
that the wizard cannot possibly know about them).
Wizard
April 20, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard: I and my girlfriend have been going out now for well over a year. She has a friend who is a thirty year-old man who
has two kids and is divorced from his wife. She is 21, a year older than me. The problem I have is that this man is her only friend. She
doesn’t speak to any of the girls in college and to lose him would be a great loss to her. I don’t believe she is cheating on me, but
this man always finds a way to manipulate her and undermine me. For example; this month he is taking her away to Quebec but won’t let her
use her phone so for three days I won’t hear from her. She is not going to cheat on me, I’m sure of it. But I feel bad about how much
she can neglect me sometimes just because this man has the capability to make her feel bad. I love her so much and if I dump her now then I will
definitely feel worse, but at least this way we break up still in love and not down the line when we might have fallen out with each other. I
feel so confused. When I talk to her she listens but she won’t do anything to change the situation. Is it just me being weird? Should I
break up with her because of this? Please help me.
ANSWER: “Is it just me being weird?” No. This is a weird situation but not because of you. There is more to this than what you
have told, probably because you simply don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t want you to know.
Your confusion is justified and it cannot support a healthy relationship. Tell her that after a year of dating, you should know her
better. Tell her that if she can’t tell you more about her relationship with this man, and why they travel together, you must conclude that
whatever she will not tell is awful.
If she tells you it is nothing, don’t accept a conclusion. Get details. Then make your own judgment.
If she still will not tell you, she does not love you enough, or it really is awful.
Wizard
April 18, 2007
Question: I'm in a relationship with a girl for 13 months now. She says she loves me, and even i love her. But she got a lot of guy
friends and she knows that i don’t like it. She frequently gets involved in some argument with her ex-boyfriend, even though i told her to
stop all connections between her and her ex-boyfriend. She sometimes lies to me about things she does which i catch later on, or even sometimes
doesn’t even tell me about it. I'm quite hurt most of the times, but she still says she loves me and makes me emotional. Should i dump her?
If i dump her, i will be hurt a lot, and i don’t know about her. 13 months already. Is she cheating on me?
ANSWER: You love her. That is reason enough to try to make it work. Nothing in your question confirms that she is cheating on you. If she
is, then she doesn’t love you (dump her), or she is able to love more than one guy at once (dump her if it bothers you), or she made a bad
mistake (don’t dump her).
Do not dump her because she has guy friends and still argues with her ex-boyfriend. Worry about the lies she tells – but try to work
it out with her so long as both of you continue to profess love for each other.
If your frustration continues to grow and becomes intolerable, dump her. Remember that dating is fun, not work, but loving and being loved
is joyous, so hard work to keep your love is worth it. But everything has its limit, including the frustration you are willing to tolerate to
sustain love.
Wizard
April 16, 2007
Question: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years now. We get along well, but the thing is she sponges off me and has no social
life. It just seems like she’s ALWAYS THERE like a literal chain and ball. She goes to school but won’t live with her parents forcing
me to pay for everything. I'm not even sure if I’m attracted to her anymore. I’m 21 and just want to do what i want and when i want.
I do get a fair amount of attention from girls. Am I just thinking with my ***?
ANSWER: Thinking your girlfriend is a ball and chain is not thinking with your ***. If you stay in the relationship, it’s not
thinking at all. Obviously you are not ready for a long-term relationship with this girl. Get your freedom and get out of the relationship.
When the right girl comes along, you will want to lose some freedom.
Wizard
April 6, 2007
Question: I had never had a relationship last longer than 3 weeks and me and this girl have been dating for a month today. She has a lot
of guy friends and none of them like me. It seems to me like she doesn’t enjoy talking to me or being with me. It’s almost like she
doesn’t like me anymore. Why hasn’t she dumped me? I really like this girl and I don’t want to get hurt. Should I dump her?
ANSWER: Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt you, so she’s holding off dumping you. It is quite possible she feels the same way
about you and doesn’t yet know what to do or how to handle it. From your question, it is hard to know what she is thinking, but that seems
like a real possibility.
If you dump her, you will remove her problem. If you can do it, it might help you feel better about it. After all, now you got a new
record, 30 days!
Any way, whatever you do, or whatever she does, you will have the chance to make a new record soon enough. Don’t get discouraged if
she dumps you. Remember that every dating relationship ends in a dump of some sort. It is normal and a part of dating. Sometimes it hurts –
but you must always put your chin up and your shoulders back, point yourself in the right direction, and move on.
Wizard
April 2, 2007
Question: My girlfriend told me she was going camping with 6 guys and just her. I got very jealous of course and accused her of cheating.
She seemed so innocent and shocked. And now I am the bad guy. Should I dump?
AN SWER: No way she went on a date with six guys. But it does seem weird even if it was only camping. As her boyfriend you are
more than justified in asking for more detailed information. The wizard thinks she was spoofing you – too weird to give it any
credence.
Wizard
April 1, 2007
Question: Dear Mr. Wizard, I’m stuck in a predicament. I’m in my second year of college. I’ve been dating this girl for
over three years now. Everything has been great since the beginning. We had some fights (non-physical of course) but that’s normal in a
relationship. The thing is, I’m from a totally different background than her. My family tells me that I won't be happy with her since our
backgrounds are so different. She won’t be accepted into my side of the family and I won’t be accepted into hers. They say that even
our kids won’t be accepted because they’re "mixed." I can agree on some level, but we both agreed that we're dating just
now, and when we're done with school, we will see what happens. I know that parents are very wise and we should all listen to them, but they
think that I’m foolish and don’t listen to them. My parents also say that the longer I will be in this relationship the more it will
hurt to break up, so we might as well break up now than in a few years. I still love her and she loves me even more.
ANSWER: Keep dating this girl. If she loves you and you love her, my goodness, this is what the world needs. More love. Enjoy. If your
parents do not like it, too bad for them.
Your parents are correct in saying that the longer you are in a relationship the more it will hurt to break up. Their error is in assuming
that it will break up. If the two of you are in love and happy with each other, you should not assume the break-up. The wizard agrees entirely
and enthusiastically with the wise decision you and your girlfriend have made: “We both agreed that we’re dating just now, and when
we’re done with school, we will see what happens.” Cheers for you.
Wizard
April 1, 2007
Question: I have been dating a girl for 7 months now. I am her first boyfriend and it’s really great that I can show her new things
every day and put a smile on her face, but lately she’s been a real bitch to be frank and hard to please. I give her gifts and she rejects
them saying, “I’m mad at you, stop buying me things.” She doesn’t like me flirting with her and she hates when I talk to
other girls. So feeling really down, I got drunk and went over to a good friend of mine’s. We watched a movie, then things got heated. I
don’t remember much but I know we didn’t have sex. I took her shirt off. I’m having huge regrets about that. It was so wrong,
but i don’t want to hurt her feelings by saying that our one night stand was meaningless and at the same time I’m faced with whether
I should dump my girlfriend. She treats me badly and professes to love me. I’ve never talked to her one on one and never been on a one on
one date. I need your help to decide if I should let her go or stay with her??
ANSWER: The girl you have been dating for seven months is truly inexperienced, and needs some experience, if she doesn’t like you
flirting with her. You should break that one off, at least for a while, and give her a chance to learn what she is missing. Another way to put
it, she needs to learn how good you are to her.
You let your guard down and went into a lapse when you got drunk. Nonetheless, maybe the one night stand with your good friend was not so
meaningless.
Talk one on one with the good friend and maybe she will become a good dating companion.
Wizard
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