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December 30, 2008
Question: I've been with this girl for about a year and a half, on and off. Had a major break up during last summer and she started talking to this guy. We got back together after summer, but some how this guy comes up a lot. I hear that he calls her and texts her a lot. I recently engaged my girlfriend and she seems really happy at the fact that we're together, but this guy comes up quite a bit. Like, the other day I was at her place and her little cousin said he called and another time he texted her during one of my band’s concerts. From what I know is that he goes to her church and that he’s going out with my girlfriend’s friend. I don’t want to jump in to the situation from an attacking point of view. I also want to know if they have feelings for each other?
ANSWER: You are unclear about what “started talking to this guy” means. Perhaps you are not sure.
It is reasonable to ask her whether he is a former boyfriend. Expect her to be up front with you and tell you. Even if he is, it is likely their relationship at this time is no more than friendship, because she is engaged with you to be married, and is not likely therefore to be moonlighting with this guy.
You are the best judge of her character to know how possible that is.
If he is a friend, and never was a boyfriend, you have no reason to be worried. If he is a former boyfriend, she should understand why you experience discomfort about his calls and texting, and should be willing to stop it. You should not need to demand that it stop. Simply, in a calm and loving way, tell her you know she loves you, but his calls and texting to her cause you worry. That should be enough to move her into taking control of the situation to end it. If it isn’t, and the calls keep coming, bring the subject up again. If you keep raising it, in the same way, the message should get through ever clearer.
The wiz doubts this is a big problem. However, if she refuses after your repeated concerns are so nicely expressed, this is a bigger problem. You will need to find out who is the real perpetrator – him or her, or both? If she is, don’t stay engaged. If he is, you might need to adopt a stronger approach and speak to him yourself, informing him in no uncertain terms that you are getting married to this lovely woman, and he is becoming a pest.
Wiz
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