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February 27, 2007
Question: First of all, I’m a 23 year old male.
Ok, so I've been with my fiance for over 2.5 years now (though I've known her since my senior year in high school) and I recently asked
her to marry me. Most of our relationship has been long distance because I've been in the Marine Corps for over 4 years now. I take leave when I
can, and have flown her to base to see me twice since i've been here to attend the Marine Corps Ball. We always have so much fun together and we
love each other very much. I asked her to marry me in November and she said yes. After her visit she went home and began making wedding plans
with her mom and friends and everything was great until Christmas time came. She stopped calling me very often and took long periods of time to
return my calls. When we did talk it was short, and she always seemed in a bad mood. When I asked what was wrong she blamed it on a bad day at
work, or headache. Then on Christmas day of all days, I pretty much got it out of her that she was scared to get married and didn't want to
anymore.
Any way, things have been great for a while but it still seems like she doesn’t talk to me as much on the phone. Or, when I send her
a text message she either doesn't respond or sends me a one word reply. And I am always the one that calls her now. It seems like if I didn't
call her then we would never talk, but of coarse I don't let it go too long to find out. But if we plan to talk on a certain day and I
don’t call her on that day, she never calls me to see why or anything. Everything is set in motion. We are getting married in 38 days, and
I'll be home for it in 30 days. I’m not sure what the problem is, or if the problem is me. Do I insist on calling her too much? I don't
think one call every other day or so is too much for two people in a long distance relationship who are engaged to be married soon. Just today I
called her on my lunch break because I had some great news to tell her, but she didn’t answer, so I called her again after work just before
I wrote this and she didn’t answer.
I send her flowers when she's having a bad week. I always ask her how her day has been. I tell her that I love her, and I never forget
important dates. And I am great at picking out gifts. I feel like I give a lot more love and attention than I receive.
This behavior hurts me emotionally and gives me the feeling like she doesn't care. Should I reconsider this marriage?
ANSWER: It appears that you already are reconsidering the marriage. If her lack of response continues after marriage, the marriage will be
off on a thin tether. With the responsibilities and worries you must deal with in the military, you would want a more firmly grounded
relationship.
One would want to know whether a delay might be possible. After four years in the Marines, is there a time coming near that the two of you
could manage to be nearer and see each other more often in a regular and more meaningful way? If so, you could delay the marriage, keeping the
engagement, to give both of you the chance to be together under circumstances where both of you will gain more confidence that marriage is right
for you both.
You should not walk into marriage when so much doubt clouds the horizon of your future (not your future as a Marine - your future as a
husband)..
Wizard
February 24, 2007
Question: my girlfriend is constantly asking me who i’m with and why i am not with her. i like her loving me but i just wonder if
she doesn’t trust me. and to add to the problem she wrote on her hand that she loves another man
ANSWER: Your girlfriend likes to play games. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to date her.
Wizard
February 23, 2007
Question: Dear wizard,
I'm having a relationship with this girl for 7 months. After three months she went abroad on an internship and so I haven't seen her for
quite some time. When she left I was feeling so so about our relationship and over the time I got to appreciate our times and her more and I
pretty much decided I wanted to wait for her to get back. We've had wonderful times, great sex, and there was never a moment when we were bored
with each other. We email, msn, or phone almost every day.
But: About a month ago she started bragging up about the sex she had with her ex-boyfriend. I took it as a huge insult, because to me the
only reason she was telling this was that she was not impressed by the sex we've had. We talked about it and in the end I forgave her.
Now the thing is tonight she told me she had a one night stand with a guy once before we met. They took a hotel room and the rest you can
imagine. I despise that. I don't want to be with someone like that. My respect for her is gone. I cannot imagine why she wanted to tell me this.
So my reaction was "goodbye" and I broke off the connection. I haven't spoken to her since. I'm boiling inside, because she knew I took
her earlier comment as an insult.
I had thought about dumping her prior to these incidents. Also take the fact that to my opinion of our relationship was so so. Do you
think this is sufficient reason to dump her?
ANSWER: Yes. You will remember her sexual adventures and you will always feel the sting of what they mean to you. If in the future
something should cause you to doubt her good faith or loyalty, and if you suspect an affair, the stories will re-surface and haunt you. Indeed,
they haunt you already.
Note: The wizard makes no judgment on the correctness of one’s feelings when determining whether a dump is appropriate. Whether or
not the feeling itself is justified, that is another question altogether.
The fact that you had doubts about the relationship early on, and felt that the relationship was so so, and now feel the impact of hurt
feelings about your date’s sexual exploits, all of these combined or alone make good reason for a dump. The wizard cannot know, and does
not need to know, whether your impressions are accurate.
Wizard
February 15, 2007
Question: I was helping my girlfriend home from the bar at a college. She was blacking out and falling constantly, making an ass out
of herself. I was helping her up constantly and pretty much dragged her home so she could be safe. We got to her stairs and she all of a sudden
pushed my face into a brick wall. The result was me have a cut-up face, all out of being a good guy helping her out. She claims that
she doesn't remember doing this to me. I don't know what to do. Should I dump her and move on? How can she change? There is obviously
a drinking problem with her. I didn't realize this ‘til the past weekend when I was hurt. I dragged her by the collar of her
coat and got her back into her apartment safe, but then I left and told her not to call me for a while. Was this the right thing to do?
ANSWER: Your girlfriend, if this happens at other times as well, even if less severe and under very different circumstances, is likely to
have a substance abuse problem that requires intensive help. You have not made it clear how long a relationship this has been, so one cannot
determine how knowledgeable you are about the extent of her problem.
Nonetheless, you cannot be faulted for wanting to break free of this burden “for a while.” You also would not be at fault if
you decided to end the relationship. If you are the Don Quixote type and will fight windmills, you can stay involved and help her get help,
enduring with her the ups and downs of fighting alcoholism. For most, this is too much of a burden to bear in a dating relationship.
Wizard
February 12, 2007
Question: there is a girl who likes me a lot. one day my friends slept over my house and texted her on my phone. they wanted to see her
boobs, so they asked her out for me and said to her "ill go out with you if you send me a picture of your boobs." she still thought it
was me. she didnt send the picture and i dont care. now im goin out with her. i only like her as a friend and i dont want to hurt her. also she
thinks i used her before. how or should i dump her?
ANSWER: As the wizard has written often, honesty is the easiest way. It gets you into the least trouble and it keeps your conscience
clear.
Look, everybody who dates with any thought at all knows that the dating will either stop or turn hugely into love and maybe marriage.
Since most people get married only once or twice, it’s a good gamble that the relationship you are now in is doomed, if not now then
eventually.
Tell her that you don’t feel as close to her as you did when the relationship got started. You want to date other people and you
think she should too. Tell her you like her as a friend and you don’t want to hurt her. Ask if she’s cool with that. She should get
the picture and be cool with that.
Wizard
February 8, 2007
Question: I've dating my girlfriend for 1 year 8 months now. She's deeply in love with me and her parents love me too. I'm in my fourth
year in college and my feelings towards her are not the same as when we started dating. I get bored now when I'm at her house. I don’t
think I want to date her anymore but I don’t have what it takes to dump her, since she’s madly in love with me and her parents and
brothers think very highly of me. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s done nothing wrong, but I just don’t love her anymore. What
shall I do?
ANSWER: The longer a relationship lasts, generally speaking, the deeper the roots grow and the more painful it is to uproot yourself from
the relationship to end it.
Your fear of hurting her should be greater than your fear of hurting yourself. If this is true, you must do the counter-intuitive thing.
If you delay the dump, you are not helping her at all. Instead, you are selfishly helping yourself. Do the dump in an honest, direct, clear, and
convincing way, and do it now. This will save her from even greater harm because, once again, the longer you let the roots grow the deeper they
get, and the more pain she will feel when you pull away.
Of course, if she is feeling the same way as you, like in the last question, the roots aren’t healthy anyway and pulling them up is
easier. In your case, however, she loves you and the family is used to your presence and values you as a love interest of their daughter and
sister. Do the right thing and save her from greater harm, and relieve yourself of serious future anxiety and sweat. Talk privately with her and
explain your feelings honestly, without mixed signals like, “I really love you, but we have to end it.” She will respect you more for
it later and so will her family. If your decision to dump her is the right decision, you will feel relieved and free to move on in good
conscience.
It is likely to end the beautiful ties you have made with your girlfriend and her family, but it will end the relationship hurting her as
little as possible, and it opens the way for you to move on with peace of mind and dignity.
Wizard
February 7, 2007
Question: I've been dating a girl for about two months now. She is in her last year in high school and I am in my third semester of
college. I recently met another female in one of my classes who I have a lot in common with, more so than my girlfriend. I care about
my girlfriend, but I don't see her as often as used to, and have become bored with the relationship. When we spend time together it’s
usually the same things we do over and over. She has also not been in the mood to make out for quite near a month. The female who I
have met, I have started getting romantically interested in. The feeling is mutual between her and I. I still have a problem with dumping
my current girlfriend to be with the one who I have currently met. There is nothing wrong in the relationship with my girlfriend, other than its
starting to become very bland and I am thinking its time to move on. That and I really want to be with the second girl more than my current
girlfriend. I just need a way to let her down easily. Do you have an idea how to do it?
ANSWER: Ending a relationship is usually difficult unless the girl is thinking the same thing.
Just be frank with her. Tell her you’d like to end the romantic part of the relationship because it hasn’t been that romantic
lately anyway. She might be relieved to hear you say it. If she acts like it is a problem, she might be faking it.
Believe the wizard on this one. If your relationship is bland, you haven’t made out in the last half of the duration of the
relationship, you’ve been seeing less of each other, and you’re doing the same things over and over, well, it is a failed romance and
she will have noticed the symptoms as well as you.
Wizard
February 5, 2007
Question: Me and this girl have been friends for a long time (2 years), and then she said she liked me. I was sort of shocked but not
really. So then the next day i decided, why not, I’ll try it out. We've been going out for a week now and i don't really find her that
attractive but she’s not that bad. I still like her but not enough to go out with her. If i dump her i don't want things to be awkward and
i dont really want to be in a relationship right now. Should i dump her? What should i do?
ANSWER: If you do not want a relationship right now and you do not feel romantic about her, you should dump her (that is, end the romantic
part of the relationship).
In doing the dump, do not tell her anything negative about her, such as you don’t find her attractive and you don’t like her
enough to go out with her. Telling her anything negative about her is bad news and will surely harm your friendship, if it has not been harmed
already.
Suggestion: Tell her you really like her friendship and that you would like to keep it. Tell her that as a friend she has been a real
terrific part of your life, and you are afraid that by dating you could lose the friendship. This is honest and direct. No guarantees, but this
might do it for you.
Wizard
February 3, 2007
Question: My girlfriend and I have dated for two years. We have had the same fight over one of her guy friends that she talks to.
This friend of hers calls very late at night and she used to have feelings for him. We had broken up for about 4 months. During this time
she turned to him to talk about our relationship problems. I just found out this guy and she went out to dinner a couple of months ago and
she lied to me about it. I never knew they went to dinner. In fact the guy lives in a different state so I didn’t even know he
was in town. They did go out to dinner with a bunch of people and she did pay for her own meal. Supposedly. I can’t trust her. Should I
dump her?
ANSWER: The more realistic among us might think the handwriting is on the wall. They would say, tell her to end the relationship with him
altogether, or it’s dump time.
The wizard thinks you should inform her about your uneasy feelings. On what you know right now, you should not dump her. If she comes
forth and confesses a deeper involvement, you might dump her. If she maintains that you are her romantic interest, and wants you to stay in a
relationship with her, you should stay with her and give her the benefit of your doubt.
The crux of the problem is: Can you trust her? She can have a respect for his opinion when she feels a need to ask for advice. The
telephone calls and the dinner could, that is, could, be legitimate conversions and completely free of romance.
Wizard
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