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January 29, 2007
Question: Dear wizard
i've been seeing this girl now for about 2 months. we really like each other and we have great communication and great dates. The sex is also pretty steamy. The problem is that i'm 22 and she’s 31. Is that a good enough reason to break up?? i love her now but a part of me thinks, "am i still gonna love her like this when i'm 35 and she’s 44 or will i desire younger girls?"
ANSWER: Goodness, goodness! Are you really worrying about what you might think thirteen years from now? Your relationship is only two months old!
Enjoy your time with her. The age difference is no matter if you enjoy each other and you are both single. Let time do its thing in your relationship. Don’t hurry it and don’t speculate. Enjoy today every day, and let the future be what it will. (Practice safe sex.)
Wizard
January 14, 2007
Question: This girl lives in Reno and I live in Las Vegas, NV. We both went to the same college only 4 years apart. She found me on Myspace and we have been friends since. I have tried to meet her 3 times and it has never worked out. About 2 months ago she asked me to be her boyfriend and I agreed. We have still never met. She never answers when I call but does respond to text messages. I know that she is a real person. I just do not know what to do with our relationship.
ANSWER: Though some neat things about her stand out, you’ve never met. It is a big leap to think that you can date and make it work. Do not take her request that you be her boyfriend too seriously.
You would do much better to date (happily) someone available for close encounters.
Wizard
January 12, 2007
Question: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now, although we had a small breakup somewhere in between. She broke up, regretted it a month or so afterwards, and as a result mounted a love-offensive to win me back. Sure I was flattered and I eventually took her back, but ever since that time (the greatest portion of our time together) the balance in our nice little relationship is off. She used to be quite busy with her own stuff and I liked it that way: just a bit casual, but while the first few months after this breakup were awesome because we were so much closer, it now kind of gives me the creeps.
So far for the background, now here's the deal. I THINK i'm through with it, but i'm not sure. Why? Because I still love her. Maybe my description of the situation presented a different picture, but we knew each other a long time before all this and I'm sure that what we have is very special. But lately I have this annoying itch in the back of my mind when I'm with her, telling me that something is missing. It's a faint feeling, and I'm not even sure what to make of it. I was the oldest of three in our family, and we had two older half-brothers that did not live with us. They would come around once in a while, and there would be five of us, but eventually they would have to leave again and the house would feel empty.
That's the best way to describe the feeling that something was there but isn't anymore, and it makes me a bit sad.
So I still love this girl, but I think I may need to put an end to this, in a kind of gentleman fashion. Point is, I don't know how. I was hoping you could be of any assistance.
ANSWER: That you still love her is inconsistent with your desire to dump her. If truly you do still love her, after the dump you will feel something missing a lot more than your older half brothers.
The wizard thinks you are putting too much importance into this “missing” feeling. The relationship has been awesome before and it might now be a little off balance. You should try some fixing before you do a dump. Try something different, like a change in schedules, a new venture that you both get involved with (business or pleasure), or another “time out” from each other. Try to encourage a new spark of interest, and see what happens. Think about what made these two years in the relationship worthwhile and find it, again.
If you are sure you don’t want to do that, well, if a dump is to be done delicately with precision so it fits softly around her psyche to protect her from the crushing blow, one must know so much about the person to be dumped that you cannot tell the wizard enough in this forum. You will have to do it alone without the wizard’s help in precise and neat planning. Any way, the crushing blow even with the best planning is likely to be unavoidable, unless she is thinking the same way.
You can and should adhere to these general tips. 1. Do not give mixed messages. If you tell her you love her but must dump her, you have told her mixed messages! 2. Do not change your mind. Be sure first, and then remain committed. 3. Do not cast blame on her, even if she is at fault or has faults. If you must say anything opinionated about her, tell her only how good she is. 4. Do not lie. 5. Do not pretend to love her so you can wait for the “right” time. 6. Do not pretend to be a bad guy so she’ll not like you.
Good luck whichever path you take.
Wizard
January 7, 2007
Question: I don’t love my girlfriend and i'm not in love with her. But we have the most amazing sex ever. She loves me but says she doesn't mind going on with the relationship because she also likes the sex. Is there anything wrong with this? we both don’t have any other partners and are practicing safe sex. is there any reason for us to stop having sex?
ANSWER: Consensual sex between mature and willing partners is okay. The only problem peaking out of your question is the fact that she says she loves you. That is a complication because sex is a means of loving people to enjoy each other and show their love for each other. Sex without the emotion of love, frankly, is different from sex as part of a loving relationship. The worry is that she will confuse the two and, because she loves you, she may grow so attached to you that ending the relationship will cause her pain and unnecessary harm.
Wizard
January 7, 2007
Question: ok, so i have a girlfriend and have been dating for like 1.5 years now. things were great and now i’m kind of starting to find her annoying at times and i just want some alone time, but i never get it. i feel if i dump her it will be weird around her family being neighbors and all. also some times i want to get to know other girls as well. what should i do?
ANSWER: You might feel weird about dumping her because you’ve been dating her for one and a half years – but her family will not feel weird about it. They expect it. If you were engaged to be married, well, a dump would be out of reasonable expectation range. Be assured, they knew it was coming eventually.
If you feel annoyed, crowded, in need of some time alone, a dump is probably a good idea. If you want to be sure, you can try to talk her into some “time off,” but that will signal to her that your candle is flickering.
Wizard
January 6, 2007
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for three months now. Every day has been amazing and we are totally in love.
However, she has a lot of problems with panic attacks and can't ever seem to relax. She throws massive tantrums all the time over really silly things and it frustrates me that she can't just try to get things into perspective. When she throws these tantrums it's actually quite scary. She shouts, she throws things and hits things; she even hits herself sometimes.
I do my best to help her and to be there for her, but she often just pushes me away. I think she might just need to get her head together on her own. I can't stand feeling like I need to be on standby for a tantrum or panic.
I want so much to be with her as she says she does with me, but I just don't know if things can work while she is so emotionally fragile.
I really don't want anyone else, I feel like this is the girl I'm supposed to be with, which is why I'm so confused. I feel terrible for thinking of dumping her when she clearly needs some kind of help, but I just don't know if I can help her. I don't want to make her worse.
ANSWER: Help her get help. She should be in regular meetings with someone in the medical field qualified to assist her in getting the panic attacks under control. You can be a coach but not her stand-by guard. It is too much of a burden to carry on a day-to-day basis if there is no professional help on the horizon.
Wizard
January 6, 2007
Question: So here's my quandary. i'm a few years older than she and it's been starting to show lately that she still has some growing up to do,
at least from the relationship standpoint. here's the kicker: she told me that she's been, well, late lately. you know, LATE. by a week or so. problem is, she doesn't want to get a test because she doesn't think it's a big deal. but i'm over here freaking out about it; it isn't as though we haven't been careful, and i won't even touch her without a rubber on. i'm just about to graduate, and i don't want to be tied down to this girl for my last few months of the college experience, especially when i know that it won't last past May anyhow. but i don't want to get her angry in the off chance that she IS bearing my royal oats, because i don't want her to pull the ol' "keeping the baby to keep the man" trick. do i just take her word for it and dump her now, or do i wait until i know that she isn't k'd up?
ANSWER: Wait until you know she isn’t. That’s the surest and simplest way to a safe decision.
Wizard
January 5, 2007
Question: I've been dating a very nice girl for six months. From the beginning we've had a lot of arguments. Actually it's always the same: she feels very
insecure about my love for her, and I'm quite bad at giving confidence, since she always beats me in arguments. She is the most intelligent person I know, and I tend to think she's right and I'm wrong. For example, if she tells me "you don't love me," I usually remain in silence thinking about things like "maybe that's true... maybe I'm too selfish and cannot love...." That exasperates her. Normally we end up crying and she mentions breaking up (though I think she doesn't mean it), so I comfort her the best I can. Every time this happens, my insecurity grows. Now I just don't know if I really want to continue with the relationship. Sometimes I think she loves and needs me more than I do her. She gets over arguments faster than me, because she is very sure that she loves me and wants to stay with me, no matter what (or so she says).
Sometimes I think I would like to be just friends. We were friends before we dated, and we never argued. But I know that if I dumped her she wouldn't want to see me in a long, long time (she told me) and that terrifies me. Furthermore, she's now having a lot of problems (with her family, at work...) and I don't want to make it worse.
What should I do? I can't remember the last time I felt in peace with myself.
(Sorry for my poor English!)
ANSWER: You should take a good look at what it is you want in a relationship. One place to start is with this girl. When you feel “terrified” about her not seeing you for a long time, what is it that makes you feel that way? Is it missing her friendship or her love? If it is her friendship only, you should not stay in a “loving” relationship for the purpose of saving a friendship. If it is her love you will miss, then maybe she is wrong when she says, “You don’t love me.”
If love is what you need and what you are looking for in dating, you might be looking square in the eye of the person who is right for you. Take your time with her, be patient, and instead of thinking she is right because she is so intelligent, disagree with her by saying, “I do love you.” A Chinese cookie proverb: A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
If it is friendship you want, and you are sure of it, then all of her insecurity is real, just as yours is real, and the relationship should end – even at the risk of the friendship – because you cannot trade one type of relationship off for another.
By the way, your English is impeccable.
Wizard
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