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January 25, 2008
Question: Thanks mate. I memorized that last paragraph in the response you sent to my query ("I wouldn't hit it with someone
else's...") and she took it VERY well. No tears! Sobbing, yes, but zero full-on crying. You really do provide a valuable service to those of
us who are too chicken **** (or inexperienced) to do it w/o help. Cheers to you and this site.
ANSWER: Cheers to you for following good advice and patting the Old Wizard on the back!
Wizard
January 22, 2008
Question: So I've been seeing this girl for 9 months now and it's just not there for me anymore. She's a sweet, funny, caring person, and I
actually enjoy her company, and give a rat’s ass about her feelings. The problem is that she's put on about 35lbs since we've met (not
pregnancy related). She's 5'1" and when we started she was 125lbs. Do you get where I'm going with this? I wouldn't hit it with someone
else's. You get my point. She's noticed the aforementioned "I wouldn't hit it" statement, too, because in the beginning we used to go
at like rabbits, now I find myself avoiding her and even faking illness so as not to be put in the situation of having to sleep with her. We
haven't done it since New Year’s Eve and it was awful. No amount of eyes-closed-lights-off-pretend-it's- Sandra-Bullock was going to help
that situation. Again, she's got a knockout personality (and she's friggin loaded $$), but I'm not attracted to her anymore, and sex is a very
important part of any relationship that I enter into. How do I dump this chick without hurting her? I mean, I can't just be all, "ya got
fat, deal with it, I'm not attracted to you anymore." Or . . . Do I try to get her to dump me? Short of cheating or punching her dog, can I
get this to happen?
ANSWER: You want to end the relationship and that is all. The reason you do not want to date her (or have sex with her) is of no matter. It
might matter to you, but keep it to yourself. It makes for good story telling among your mates, but it is morally wrong and destructive to tell
your date the bad news about why you feel the way you do.
You must not criticize your date when you dump her. Nothing positive can come from it. It will hurt her feelings. If you truly care about
her feelings, you will avoid discussing her weight when you dump her.
Equally destructive, and usually impractical, is the effort to get her to dump you. No, you don’t punch her dog, regardless of how
many laughs you might get from your mates, and you don’t cheat (just for the sake of getting dumped), and you don’t do anything
clever to end the relationship.
You dump her in the same manner you would dump any girl after nine months. You cannot avoid causing her to feel hurt, but you can attempt to
minimize the pain and give her confidence and re-assurance. Tell her in person using direct, clear, unmistakable language. Tell her how great her
personality is, and how great a woman she was for you when you dated her, but you are ready now to go a new direction. Tell her you will always
regard her with respect and admire her, but that you have determined you are no longer romantically interested. Avoid any criticisms. Even if she
wants you to tell her why, avoid it. Your words will repeat in her mind over and over for a long time, no matter how hard she might try to stop
hearing them. Don’t put them there.
She is no less a person. She deserves your best effort to give her respect and admiration. Your tools are a calm, friendly voice; polite
speech; eye-to-eye contact; and a sincere, gracious manner.
Wizard
January 22, 2008
Question: Well I’m in a pickle. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months. It’s my first relationship
really. She doesn’t seem to trust me and she told me that. I don’t trust her totally, to be honest. But she tells me she loves me and
I love her. She calls me immature although she’s only 17 and I’m 20. She calls me names all the time like gayboy and poofy. She said
she does it because I annoy her. I’m the type of guy that likes to cuddle in and watch a movie and kiss n’ stuff. But she
doesn’t really like doing that or so she says. We used to have sex quite a lot although its decreased a wee bit, but it’s still
there. She’s always moaning at me about something and always threatens to get a new man. So I told her to go get a new man then and we
might as well call it quits. Then she said she was only joking and that she doesn’t want a new man and loves me, and starts saying things
that make me really guilty for dumping her. (Worst thing is the only time I really feel loved is when I tell her I’m not happy with the
relationship, then she gets all cuddly and loving. But that only lasts a few days tops.) During 6 months we’ve had fallouts and she’s
done a lot of things, although she admits it, including giving my best mate ******** and shagging her X. All I’ve done is chat up a few
girls, never done any physical stuff, yet she goes mental because she says she can’t trust me and that I’ll chat someone up and shag
them. I’m pretty sure she’s going to phone sometime soon. I’m not sure if I should stick to my decision or take it back. I love
her but I just don’t know if I can put up with her. P.S. Sorry about not having proper punctuation. I’m lazy.
ANSWER: We take care of the punctuation for you! Nothing wrong with chatting up a few girls – and there is nothing wrong with cuddling
in, watching a movie, and kissing n’ stuff. You’ve been patient and most accommodating. You ought to get medals for putting up with
getting called gayboy and poofy. Your mates couldn’t tolerate that!
She’s not fair to you when she goes mental saying she can’t trust you.
It all comes down to how much you love her, the quality of your love, and the limit of your tolerance level. A love so real and strong that
you can’t shake a genuine need to be with her will cause your tolerance level to be almost limitless. With fallouts, only a six month
affair, and the pestering that she rails at you, you’ll probably find your love isn’t quite so deep and long-lasting, and your
tolerance is ready to burst.
Wizard
January 14, 2008
Question: I’ve not slept with my girlfriend since November. She goes to college in Syracuse and we don’t see each other much. I
thought we would get chance to see each other more over Christmas, but we didn’t. Her excuse was she was working and always busy. She seems
as though she has taken a back seat in the relationship. When I spoke to her I gave her the chance to dump me and told her my concerns, but she
said she loves me, but nothing has still changed. She can’t stay over at mine because her parents don’t know about me because I am
25, she’s only 18, and apparently her dad will go mad. I used to visit her in Syracuse, but when she goes back to college she says her
timetable has changed so I might not be able to visit her on my days off. When I invite her round to mine she always seems to be busy. Now,
I’m just a normal guy, but sex is an important factor in a relationship for me, and she used to have a sex drive before. What’s
happening, what should I do? When I told her about my concerns before, she went mad and said she didn’t . . . (missing text)
ANSWER: She still has a sex drive; she no longer wants to drive it with you. That is, at least, how it looks from your narrative. Find
another girl who is more excited about seeing you. Adjust your perspective a few degrees away from the sack and toward love and feelings.
Wizard
January 9, 2008
Question: my girlfriend just told me that right as we were about to get together, she had a miscarriage with her ex. should i dump her?
ANSWER: Whoa, you’ve just met up with the real world. The facts are too brief to embark on lengthy discussion about the dangerous and
scary issues your question raises.
The answer is, yes, if it bothers you, no, if it does not.
Wizard
January 2, 2008
Question: should i leave her because she does not treat me right? she treats me different from other people, and gets attitudes for no
reason, and takes stress out on me, and does not show that she loves me. she also thinks that she can run over me. what should i do?
ANSWER: When love is gone, the relationship spoils like food in the refrigerator, and you toss it. Love is the nutrition of a relationship.
When it is gone, the relationship is no longer healthy for either of you. Dump her.
Wizard
January 1, 2008
Question: Hey wizard, I was just wondering. I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 months. I’m only 15 but I think I’m
falling for another girl. I want to be sure before I dump my current girlfriend that this new girl likes me. She also has a boyfriend but I think
that I might have a chance with her. Is there any way in which I could tell that this new girl likes me through the likes of instant messaging
and myspace? Thanks Man. Happy New Year.
ANSWER: Yes, instant messaging and MySpace might work, to a degree, but you need a more personal and direct way to determine her interest.
Call her (or use instant messaging or MySpace for this purpose) to ask her out on a non-romantic date, like to meet you on a Saturday or Sunday
afternoon at a public place. It could be a restaurant, a sporting event, a museum, anything that involves a public place during the day with
something to look at besides yourselves.
If she accepts, she is at least mildly interested in you. If she says no, you know right away that you won’t make it, at least not
yet.
If she says yes, you now have the opportunity to talk with her, and she will talk too, and both of you will see each other first-hand. At
the end of this date, if you still feel attracted to her, and if she still seems attracted to you, ask if she would like to go out again. If she
says yes, you’re all set. If she says she has a boyfriend, she is telling you that he is still a priority over you.
Wizard
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