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January 31, 2009
Question: I have been with my girl for almost 8 years. Times were good for the first 2 years. Pregnancy put an end to that, and since I've been trying to work on keeping the relationship going for the daughter. We had a good period 3 years ago until she was pregnant again. So I now have 2 reasons to keep it going.
She likes to yell a lot, mostly at the 6 year old daughter. I do a lot for us and the home and get no credit. I am not happy. She is not happy and won't admit it. I've told her that even the kids would be better off with 2 happy homes rather than 1 unhappy home. She disagrees and says there is no problem, and how could I give up everything we have together. I don't understand what this means when she says it. What we have accomplished financially together is worth nothing to me if we aren't happy. I think it’s about time I give up on this.
But that’s not the only dilemma. How could I possibly go through with this? I am worried she may do something awful. She has some depression issues. About 0 friends to talk to. How can this be done with out her or the kids getting hurt? HELP!!
ANSWER: Can’t be done without someone getting hurt. That is a brutal fact.
You’ve got two good reasons to keep trying, as you said, but you’ve reached your limit. You reveal that you’re a good guy because you perceive risk exists that someone will be hurt when you leave and you appear to want to do something to prevent that harm.
The first thing for you to know is what you already know.
Now to the next step. You must withhold leaving for a while to get started with the next important step. You’ll read this and say something like, “I knew the wiz would recommend something stupid like that.”
Nonetheless, here it is. Eight years and two children later, you cannot get up and leave without causing emotional damage. Find a couples counselor with skills to bring you together in the context of bringing up two young children. Even if you must leave to a second residence (this may be a rational means of working out some issues), a qualified counselor will help you do that with a minimum of damage, and help you resolve issues so you might find it beneficial to return later.
If your girl knows and understands that you are committed to staying involved with the children, she should be willing to participate with the same counselor. You cannot do it together alone.
Now get to it. Any delay allows a rift between you to grow bigger and makes it harder for a counselor to build bridges. Remember, while you and your girl argue at each other across the wide divide, the children will fall dangerously into that divide unless professional help is there to provide safety for them and you.
Wiz
January 30, 2009
Question: I've been seeing this girl for a week now and I really think it won't work. We may have rushed into things. I feel like we have nothing in common and some of her personality really irritates me. I really don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't think we should be together.
Please help me!!!!
ANSWER: End it. This is a necessary task because you can’t stay in a relationship forever just because you started it. You will have a lot of relationships in your future and you must learn how to end them. Usually the best way is to tell the girl something positive about her (easy, because you must have seen something good to date her in the first place), don’t delay (easy, because you know you want to end it), don’t tell her that you love her (dumb move, because then she won’t understand it’s at an end), and tell her you think she is a nice girl but you want to move on and date some other girls (easy, because it is all true). Keep it friendly, short, and clear. The longer the relationship is, the less short it will be, but it should still be friendly and unmistakable.
If she asks, “Who? What girls are you going to date?” Answer, “I don’t know. That’s what I’m gonna find out, I guess.”
Good enough. Your biggest hurdle is the anxiety in your stomach or the lump in your throat.
You can alter the above “formula” many ways. The theme and basic substance is the same most of the time. Changes are necessary depending on circumstances in the relationship like unusual characteristics of the girl, the length of time you were dating, the ages of the guy and girl, the experience of each in dating, and many other variations.
Wiz
January 28, 2009
Question: My girl has a really bad laugh.
ANSWER: Then you’re in bad shape, mate. When two people get along well, they’ll see humor together in all kinds of things, and laughing is a huge part of every good relationship.
Humor is the dynamo that turns the world for everybody to spin happy.
Whoever laughs, whenever it occurs, the sound is pleasing to all creation (not, of course, laughter generated from evil, where one perceives joy or humor in loss or pain suffered by others).
Wiz
January 28, 2009
Question: Hello Wiz, I have a request of advice for you. I've come to you before and you've given me the advice that I wanted to hear. I was a virgin before I met my most recent girlfriend, she was not. She got into a relationship that only lasted a few months but she was IN LOVE with this other guy. So much in love that she thought they'd be together forever and that losing her virginity to him would be a step in the right direction for their relationship. Everything he told her was a lie. All in all, he used her for sex. If you ask her about it she'll say she's tainted by this man. It pains me to think about her losing her virginity to another. The only reason they broke up was because they were caught in the act of sex. We are deeply in love now, though my mind is constantly clouded with the image of this guy. I'm not that old, so I don't look too easily upon sex but I really want this to work. I'm not asking if I should dump her, but please give me some advice to relieve my head of this stress.
ANSWER: She isn’t tainted, even if she feels that she is, and no reason justifies your keeping it in your head that she is. None of what happened should get in the way of your relationship with her. Make your relationship fun, healthy, and rewarding. There is nothing to prevent that, except you or she thinking it matters that she had sex with another guy before you.
The harm done by the other guy is that he was not truthful. He may told her half-truths to seduce her, or to lead her into doing things she really didn’t want to do, at least not in hindsight, and she’s sore for the deception. She is responding appropriately, and she will be reticent about other guys, and to some degree that probably includes you.
The best way for you to handle this is to be truthful to her, be genuine and sincere, and if you love her, show her your love with gentleness, devotion, and occasional happy surprises to keep it interesting. Avoid discussion about the past unless she brings it up. If she does, know in your mind that whatever happened, it has no bearing on your feelings for her.
Wiz
January 25, 2009
Question: Hi. This is a question from one of the victims of 'dumpagirl'. I've just been dumped by my boyfriend after 6 months and countless declarations of everlasting love (on his part - ha!).
He simply just stopped seeing me, calling me, texting me – nothing. No explanation. I've asked. He won't answer.
Why is it men just don't want to be the dumpees? They would rather cause major hurt and confusion than muscle-up and do the dirty?
ANSWER: If he has mistreated you, you are his victim, not a victim of Dumpagirl. If you mistreated him, you are your own victim. More likely, you aren’t a victim, just disappointed.
The wiz never – or almost never – advises a guy to shut up and ignore his girl. In a very short-term relationship, like one or two dates, sometimes a guy will appropriately fade away from one girl and appear in another girl’s life without much conversation. Hear! Hear! and Toodle-Loo for that! That’s okay. Girls do it too.
But in a relationship where even a smidgen of commitment arises, communication is important out of a mutual respect between guy and girl. Each owes to the other a fair assessment of where the relationship is going. Most guys and most women possess and exercise enough courage to tell the other what’s up.
The wiz always recommends avoiding criticisms in a break-up. That does not mean no communication – it means keep the communication positive.
No one (guys and girls) wants to be a dumpee because no one likes rejection and getting dumped. Also, no one likes being a dumpor because no one likes rejecting someone who just a while ago was cool to be with. This is a natural selection process and learning to cope with dumpee and dumpor status is necessary to dating. The Dumpagirl website is designed for a primary purpose: Helping guys cope with getting dumped and dumping. The Dumpaguy site is designed for the same purpose for girls.
Finally, many guys and girls try to avoid dumping to avoid causing hurt or confusion to the dumpee. This is wrong thinking. The wiz repeatedly advises to dump quickly and clearly without misleading or leaving the dumpee hanging without any communication. To drop someone without a “dump” is unfair and unhealthy, and that advice is rampant throughout all the archives and pieces of advice contained in both sites.
Thank you for bringing that issue to the attention of our readers.
Wiz
January 20, 2009
Question: I have been dating this girl who is going to be very successful in the future and I do have feelings for her, but she is controlling. I already told her I wanted some space so I could have some alone time. She is going along with it for now but she is starting to get clingy and I don't do clingy women. Any help on the matter would be great, thanks.
ANSWER: Clingy is like static electricity in your clothes, smothering and annoying, but probably fixable. With static electricity, a little water spray does the trick. With a clingy woman, put some water on it to cool it down – but just to dampen, not to wet it down.
Depending on the strength of your relationship, it may take some finesse. If your relationship is fragile, she could misinterpret your cooling down effort as a brush-off and leave you.
She may prefer to dive into relationships head first. You may prefer to dip into a relationship with toes first. This can create problems in the beginning of a relationship, but if both of you are interested in each other, the ultimate result will be the same, which is a healthy and satisfying relationship.
You can spray a light mist of water on the relationship by telling her something like this: “You’re a fine woman, worth my time and energy, and we both want a good relationship to evolve for us. But it needs time to evolve, and I am a private kind of guy. I need time to myself because that is what I am used to. It is no reflection on how I feel about you. It’s just me. So let’s commit to see each other (once, twice?) a week, and we can expand on that as we get closer. Okay?”
Don’t memorize this, but see how you let her know a little about yourself, tell her how nice she is, and give her hope of a better relationship, but keep it at a pace that is comfortable for you.
Wiz
January 19, 2009
Question: My girlfriend for nearly 2 years now is an amazing girl. I love her, she loves me. The past few months, I’ve been trying to let her know how uncomfortable it makes me feel knowing she is texting & talking to this other guy more than she talks to me. I know she isn’t cheating on me. I’m not really attacking her with this problem, but in a loving way letting her know it makes me feel like she's not interested in me.
They flirt, I know, and she goes to him for help more than me. She used to have no problem saying I’m her best friend and her favorite until now she says she has no favorite and that she guesses I’m her best friend, which to me gives off the vibes of a nice way of saying I’m neither.
I’m not sure what to do?
Help me out please Wiz
ANSWER: Beginning cracks in a relationship can be sealed up with special gifts like roses with a loving note signed by you, a night out at a special place, or almost anything else that she thinks is unmistakably “sweet.” Follow up with consistent, unrelenting, loving attention. If this works, you won’t have to confront her with the problem. You will give her the opportunity to make the right choice on her own. If she decides, on her own, that you are the better guy, her decision will last longer and the other guy will disappear into another woman’s life.
If it doesn’t work, the source of the problem may be too deep. In that case, a heart-to-heart conversation might be necessary. But watch out, if loving attention does not bring her back to you in a two year relationship, it is trouble.
Wiz
January 10, 2009
Question: I'm dating 2 girls online right now. One I talk to everyday and she’s on all the time. The other I only talk to her every 2 or so days. I love them both, and they love me. Who should I dump?
ANSWER: No one. Mate, when the lines are open, the skies are blue, good things come in two’s, and the costs and risk are low, why cut the fun to half? When no longer is there room for two, then go for one.
Wiz
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