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March 31, 2006
Question: Hey wizard,
I'm in a bit of strife. I've been going out with my gf for two months now. i go to boarding school, so on the holidays i go home overseas. my gf and i promised to write and call each other, but it turns out i was the only one making an effort, and i just asked her about it, and she said it was no biggy. she's been staying away from me a bit, but i still really like her, though i'm beating myself up about leaving her. What should i do?
ANSWER: Distance is one of the great natural inhibitors of love. Just like water and light, it dissipates and loses strength over distance. Some say true love will never dissipate. That may be true, but at your age and situation, the wizard doubts either of you have true love.
That should not stop you from entreating her. Tell her that for you it is a biggy, that you are beating yourself up over her, and that you fervently want to maintain any relationship you’ve got so you can see her and enjoy her company when you are out of school.
She’s probably got the “wayward eye” syndrome. But every girl and every guy has that at least until they’re infatuated with some one. Don’t let that stop you either. Good luck.
Wizard
March 31, 2006
Question: My girlfriend has a past. Before we got together I told her she can't smoke pot if she wants to be with me. She agreed, but recently she went out with friends and when she returned she and her friends smelled like pot. I asked her about it later and she said she didn't smoke, her friends did. The next day I found rolling papers and eye drops in her coat pocket. I really feel that if she can't be honest about this, how can I believe anything she says? Should I confront her about it? Usually if I confront her on anything, it goes down in flames and she gets defensive. I really do love her, and don't want to end this relationship. What should I do?
ANSWER: Any guy or girl can set limits in the dating relationship. So long one of the dating partners continues to feel it is important, justification exists to remind the other of that limitation when he or she transgresses.
The logic or the original justification of the limitation is unimportant. The importance is only that one of the dating partners thinks it is important.
You should raise it with her if you still think it is important. Remind her that the two of you agreed that she would not smoke pot. If she prefers pot over you, she’ll let you know. But every date can and should set limits on conduct that is important to him or her.
Wizard
March 28, 2006
Question: I and my girlfriend have been living together for 6 months and it has been new drama with her every month, from her talking to her ex-husband to her quitting her job and dropping out of community college. I finally talked her into moving in with her mother 2 weeks ago and i have told her i wanted to break-up 3 times, but she keeps coming back and calls all the time. what do i do?????
ANSWER: Get another girlfriend is a good start. Don’t talk to her on the telephone and walk away when she approaches you directly. Don’t ever call her or write to her. End all communication of any kind. She will get the message.
If she persists so much so that she interferes with your work or school, her conduct may be harassment. You might want to ask an attorney about what you can do.
But it appears in your question that you have taken significant steps in the right direction. She moved out two weeks ago – maybe she needs to absorb a little more the fact that she is out of your life.
Wizard
March 27, 2006
Question: I was wondering about how to go about dumping a girl gently. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and feel that as I graduate (college), it’s time for me to increase my opportunities by becoming single again and flying solo.
The problem is that it is really serious; she wants to follow me wherever I end up going and wants to continue the relationship because she has never felt this way about someone before.
Question: How do I let her go gently (with the least amount of tears and empty heart-loss following the break up)?
ANSWER: It may be impossible to avoid tears and empty heart loss. These are normal reactions to the end of a relationship into which one has spent energy, sacrifice, commitment, and through these investments has accumulated hope. When the hope is dashed, naturally the dumpee feels that the investments were for naught. This then gets wrapped up in emotions of inadequacy and despair. Add to that the more visceral feelings of being used, taken advantage of, cheated, even spat upon. Then some will think of vengeance and retribution. Holy jeepers, this can get mighty blighty.
This wizard respects and honors your wish to let her go gently and wants to help. You possess the best knowledge of this girl and you must be the ultimate decision-maker about the best course to take. The wizard’s wisdom, though beneficent and fruitful, and always generated from a deepest understanding of womankind, cannot necessarily be the most direct and simplest answer.
In general terms, you must note the following wisdom, often expressed here. First and foremost, do not equivocate. If you lead her to believe that you are not sure of your decision, or if you lead her to believe she can retrieve the happy relationship, or if you lead her to believe you still love her enough that she should not give up her hope, you will cause even more tears and empty heart loss. She must be able to move through her sense of loss and find new hope in another relationship. This may not be obvious to her at first. She will get there, but it will take much longer if you don’t push that door wide open.
Second, you should be a gentleman about it, expressing concern for her and politely reminding her of her good points (of which there are many). You do this so she will not think it was her fault – or caused by her failings – or generated by your dislike of one of her weaknesses or characteristics.
If there must be blame, take it. It doesn’t matter that you are blamed because you are ending the relationship and it won’t affect you. Be prepared to sacrifice some ego and wear a thick skin.
In conclusion, in the wizard’s broad sweep of wisdom, you get the task done with some humility and show unqualified respect for her, but be swift and judicious to achieve the best results for both of you.
Wizard
March 27, 2006
Question: How do i dump a girl that want leave me alone? When i talk to her about it she just comes back after two weeks. I'm trying to stay away from her but she keeps approaching me again and again.
ANSWER: You’ve dumped her already. Don’t give her any reason to think you’re re-thinking your dump decision. Aggressively ignore her and keep at it. She’ll get interested in someone else. She’ll give it up.
Date someone else. That helps too.
Wizard
March 22, 2006
Question: I think my girlfriend is going to cheat on me when she goes on vacation. Should I dump her?
ANSWER: You should dump your girlfriend any time you feel that you need to dump her. Sometimes the reasoning may not be all that clear, but if in your heart you believe your relationship is not what it should be, then you should be ready to move on.
But if your only reason is that you think she will cheat on you, you might be cheating on yourself to dump her without knowing.
Wizard
March 18, 2006
Question: this girl has been my best friend for a really long time. i mean i love her but i'm not in love with her. anyway i am in love with her best friend. what should i do?
ANSWER: You can’t live a lie. If you’re not in love with your best friend, you should take the immensely difficult step of telling her how great a best friend she is, but that your love life might have to be with someone else. Tell her that you value her friendship so much that you’d like her to be a friend forever, but that friendship is a different kind of relationship than dating. Hopefully she’ll understand and remain your best friend.
Once that is accomplished, you can see how things are with her best friend. Remember, though, that her best friend might not be comfortable dating you, knowing your friendship with the first girl. You might find that you’ll not be able to be in love with your best friend’s best friend.
If this first girl is your best friend, and the second girl is your best friend’s best friend, you might not be the best friend of either one of them. You risk whatever friendship you have with either of them.
Walk lightly in this minefield – the emotional blasts in a mindfield can be devastating.
Wizard
March 16, 2006
Question: dear wizard
I've been going out with this girl for about a year now but I still find out from her mom that she's over at her ex-boyfriend’s house working on a big science project. but the thing is she always comes back happier than before, which I find weird. so should I dump her or try to stick it out?? please help me!!!!
ANSWER: Ask her if she still wants to go out with you. Be direct. If she says yes, stop worrying about the other guy and have fun with her. If she changes her mind, she’ll let you know.
If she says she doesn’t want to date you any more, you’ll have your answer.
Wizard
March 14, 2006
Question: Hi, I have met the dream of my life at ADC training for being Air Medic while in Arkansas. We had plans on getting married sometime this year. We had different places to finish training for our jobs in the AFC. She had training to finish in Nevada and I did in Tennessee a while back. Once that was completed she transferred to my unit in MN and moved here. She is 19 and I am 22. She told me that she had slept with another guy in Nevada and had kissed others in Arkansas after I had left to finish training in TN. I had asked her to leave and she did, then she came back. We have good times and not so good. She is physically abusive to me which for instance she left scratch marks on my arms which will leave scars just because she felt like it. There have been other situations she has done too. I am not so sure whether to keep trying with this relationship or should I tell her to leave for good? Any advice would be appreciated.
ANSWER: The dream of your life is what you thought she was before the not so good times and the physical abuse. The central and most obvious message in your question is that she has not turned out to be the dream of your life. Thank goodness that you learned that before you got married.
The wizard thinks you are a hard-working, responsible patriot who deserves better.
Wizard
March 12, 2006
Question: I'm currently best friends with my ex girlfriend. We went out for 6 years. She was my first girlfriend. We had been traveling together in Canada and UK and we broke up 9 months ago because we were having lots of arguments over little things. I didn’t enjoy the relationship and felt like I deserve more from a relationship. So I broke her heart by telling her that I don't love you anymore and I can’t see us together in the future... After a month we decided to stay friends cos I really cared about her and we had common friends and we all hung out together... I didn’t want her to feel lonely going through this breakup so I called her everyday and we were best friends.
Recently she told me that she was seeing a friend of mine and I just went into a shock. My ex told me because she respects me as a person, my friend didn’t want me to know and wanted to have the best of both worlds. My Ex is around in the country for another 2 months before she goes back home. My friend is going back home in November. He wants to carry on their relationship while she is home and he is here traveling around with me.
I've told my ex about what he was like in the past while we were going out... He told me how he wouldn’t hesitate to slap a girl if she talked too much because he wants to be in control all the time, and how he has secret bank accounts that he would never tell his partner about. I don't agree with his ways. I've seen him drunk and he gets abusive towards his own friends. My ex has seen this too.
My ex says that she wants to find out for herself if that is true.
They both claim that this was unplanned and it just happened.
I've just recently come back from a holiday after a month and while on holiday I realized how much I miss my ex. I've told her now that I wanted to be with her.
My friend sent me an email saying that he is sorry to hurt me, and didn’t want to tell me because he felt guilty and he understands if I don't want to ever see him again but he would want to meet and talk to me about it.
My ex says that she needs time to think about this whole thing but she wants still wants to go out with my friend because she likes him.
What to do??
ANSWER: The wizard thinks you think too much. Your ex should be able to date whomever she wants to date. You cannot keep control of her after you dumped her.
Your concerns about your friend slapping her, keeping bank accounts secret, and generally being abusive to his friends when drunk, are valid for your own purposes, but you should let her find out for herself if, after you forewarned her, she still wants to see for herself.
The wizard thinks you should be supportive of both your ex girlfriend and your friend in their relationship. Give them the encouragement a good friend should give to his friends when they want to form a new relationship. If the relationship fails, it should fail because of one or both of them, not because of you.
After the relationship fails, if it does, then you will not be a person to blame for it, and you can still be there to support your ex afterward.
Be a friend, not a shtunk (a guy who doesn’t smell too good) or in the wizard’s lexicon, one who knows better but does it anyway.
Wizard
March 10, 2006
Question: hi i just turned 17 and i just started to date this girl who is 14 but turning 15 soon. should i stick with it or not? and if not, how can i let her down gently? and we’ve only been on one date and she’s saying she loves me and i have to say it bk as i feel i have to. what should i do? plz help me.
ANSWER: Whether you continue to date her is up to you. If you don’t want to date her anymore, that is the sole issue for you to decide. If you don’t, then you should dump her.
The wizard is pleased that when you dump her you want to do it gently. Most people do not appreciate a hard dump when they don’t deserve it. This girl does not appear to deserve it.
You will need to get used to this, because you are likely to do some considerable dumping in your dating life. And you will need to gather up your self-esteem, because you too will be dumped.
Two ways to dump, in general terms: One is to begin to ignore her. This should work. The other way is to tell her. The first way, to ignore her, is a bit cowardly. It is the most popular way because it doesn’t require one to do much. If you respect her and want her to respect you, you should elect the second method. If you do, be simple and direct.
The reason you must be simple and direct is that you want her to understand it quickly and not have ideas that she can do things to keep you. Then bad things can happen. You want the dump to be fast and clean – no mess. You can still be nice to her. Give her compliments that she well deserves and wish her well. You can even say, “I hope we can remain friends.” But don’t go too far with that.
This advice is true for guys and girls. A messy dump is one of life’s worst moments.
Wizard
March 8, 2006
Question: HI wizard, ive been with my gf for about 6 months now. she’s great in every way that any boy wants his gf to be. she loves me a lot and i love her lots. we can talk about any thing to each other. but for some reason i just want to be with other girls.
ANSWER: Whether you will go out with other girls, while you are dating the one you date now, depends on the kind of commitment you have made to this girl, and her expectation of you. If you have discussed this with her, and she doesn’t want you to be with other girls, then you can expect a dump. If you haven’t discussed it with her, you should, unless you have come to a conclusion that you love this girl enough to suppress your urge to be with other girls.
In any event, no matter what you do or have done, if you do not commit to this girl, expect a dump, eventually.
Wizard
March 6, 2006
Question: i've been dating this girl for about 2 months. she says she's in love with me. she is extremely sensitive. at the same time she is a very good g/f, loving, caring, always there. she’s not the most attractive girl in the world though she's like a 6 out of 10 and i'm afraid my friends and parents wont like her. maybe its my own insecurity, but i find it hard to break up with her. not even sure if i should. she’s a real sweetheart.
ANSWER: Nothing in your question leads the wizard to find any reason for you to dump this girlfriend. She looks here to be a fine date that you should hold on to. It is your own insecurity stopping your entry into a beautiful and rewarding relationship. Get into it and do it – she’s worth it.
Your insecurity is illogical and potentially destructive. Look at it this way – a wonderful girl says she loves you. That is all the entire world should care about, as far as you are concerned.
Wizard
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