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March 30, 2008
Question: After 3 years together, I don’t love my girlfriend. What should I do, dump her?
ANSWER: The time you have to wait to see if love happens depends on you. Some people will wait longer than three years, some less time. Sometimes it depends on the other person too. Anyway, you are the one to determine whether you think love is still possible and worth waiting for. If you decide it is not, yes, it is time to dump.
Wizard
March 28, 2008
Question: I am a married man for 40 years. My wife and I have no relations. It is a cold environment. In the past six months, I met a girl 15 years younger than me, beautiful, charming, witty and fun. All the things that I had been missing. I reeled this girl in. She initially recognized the complications of being with a married man, and resisted. But, I wanted her. So, I put out all the right moves to get her to love me. And, she did. She adores me. I would say that I let my heart speak over my logic at that time.
Time has passed, and I am realizing that my family and other obligations mean far more to me than this girl. I do care for her, and want her in my life, but have to admit, she is a low priority compared to the rest. She expresses disengagement quite frequently, and I out of not wanting to reveal my true feelings that I have switched to logic over my heart, I always try to evade the issues she brings up such as feeling bad when she is placed low on my list of priorities. I consider her my girlfriend. Do I have obligations to a girlfriend?
She does provide me with adoration, a good time, she is beautiful, she does make me feel a warmth I have not for decades. But, it is just so hard to please everyone, and I find myself putting her last. She gets very sad about this, but I have my obligations.
ANSWER: Yes, you do have obligations to your girlfriend. She is a valuable treasure. She deserves love and affection. She deserves respect, dignity, and all the full benefits of a committed lover.
You cannot provide these to her. You do, however, recognize her value as a human being.
Therefore, you must let her go. She should be with a single guy. If you don’t let her go, you are acting solely out of self interest, and that in this case would be immoral and a wrong committed on her.
Wizard
March 24, 2008
Question: Hey, wizard, I've been wanting to dump my fiancee for like 3 months now. We fight like every other day. We fight and make up, fight and make up some more. It drives me nuts because she is pregnant. She is very disrespectful, demanding, and tries to be controlling, but that’s where the fighting starts because she cannot control me and it bothers her. She is even very disrespectful to her mom in front of me. So if she curses her mom out, the woman that brought her into this world, it’s a piece of cake to disrespect her man. I am very cool with her family. They all love me, but this woman is too much. She is a cool person when she wants to be, but can be a real bitch also. All my ex girls never disrespected me the way she does. Sometimes I feel like walking out of her life, but the baby is coming in a week and I want to raise my child. Talk to me, wizard. Wassup. What can I do!!!!
ANSWER: What’s up is you’re hooked to this problem for a long time – your baby is also her baby, which makes you parents of one child. That means, whether she respects you or not, out of love for your baby you’ve got to keep things together at home, and that could mean chewing a whole lot of chomp (or taking a whole lot of ****).
(To chomp is to gnaw with one’s teeth. Dictionaries tell you the noun “chomp” is a bite. The meaning of “chewing a whole lot of chomp” is clear if you think of chewing over and over so much that the whole thing is one huge, never-ending chomp.)
It’s worth it, though, if you can get through the long term stuff. You will have a child that adores you and wants to learn from you. And, if you’ve succeeded well, that child will become an adult who trusts you, respects you, loves you, and will stand up anywhere in defense and in support of you. You will stand next to your child at any age with pride.
Yeah, it could be almost impossible, but you’ve got gold, so don’t lose it. You will make it if you stay committed to your child.
You will not be a chump – you will be a champ. A chump chomps for nothing. A champ chomps for something.
Your baby is something.
When you get old and wise, and if you remember this advice, you will look back and say, “That was a whole lot of chomp.” And you will smile saying it.
Wizard
March 23, 2008
Question: Been with this girl for 4 months, just moved in, needed a place to live. Lately she has not done anything. She says she will do, never on time, was supposed to take me out last night, blew me off to be with her family, takes hours to text me back, hardly calls me, always text. I’m getting tired of waiting for her to get things done that need to be done. I feel disrespected, talking isn't getting through, and she wonders why I’m mad.
ANSWER: Looks like an obvious incompatibility.
Wizard
March 18, 2008
Question: Hi, Wizard. I am 16 years old and I have been 'going out' with this girl for nearly a month and I feel as if I was pushed into it by my 'friend.' I’m not really physically attracted to her, and I dislike some of the people she hangs around with. I like this girl in my math class and she is kind of friends with my girlfriend. My friends have also been saying that I could do better. We never really connect either. I found out that she really liked me and I didn't want to make her sad by not asking her out or going out with her friend. I'm afraid that if I dump her, I will make her sad. I am her first boyfriend, so I think that'll make it a lot worse and if I ask her friend out. I think her friend won't want to go out with me because she may think I'm a bit of a prick for dumping my girlfriend. Please, Wizard, I need some advice! Thanks.
ANSWER: Your reasons to dump your girlfriend are normal and should not be ignored. The first question is a simple one. Yes, you should dump your girlfriend. No good reason will support staying in a relationship that you feel shouldn’t have happened, you are not physically attracted to her, and you dislike some of the people she hangs around with. You know the answer here is that a dump is warranted.
The opinion of your friends helps you, maybe, by making you feel better. Don’t make your decision based on their opinions. You don’t need their approval for decisions like this. The decision to dump is yours, and yours alone, and is based on your feelings, not theirs.
Should you avoid dumping a girl because she likes you and will be sad? Of course not. Would you want a girlfriend to keep dating you when she no longer wants to date you, just because she pities you? No way. If she feels sad, she should feel sad. That happens to everyone who likes someone who dumps them. Don’t let something so normal and expected turn you into a helpless wimp.
Will you avoid the dump because you like a friend of hers and want to date the friend? Of course not. If you deny yourself the enjoyment of dating a girlfriend’s friends, when you date a popular girl you’ll have to avoid dating anyone in town. Geesh! That can’t make sense, can it? Of course it doesn’t.
Dump her nicely, telling her at the same time how much you value her as a person. Tell her how much fun she is and what a nice person she is. After the dust settles, ask her friend out. Don’t wait too long. If her friend is as nice as you think, she might be with another guy by the time you figure it out that it is okay to dump a girlfriend and date her friend.
Wizard
March 16, 2008
Question: I’ve been going out with this girl for about 2 months. The other day, I had a field trip with my school (I’m 18 by the way) and met this person for the first time, and then again on another field trip. In both we spent all day talking and having fun. Ever since then I can’t stop thinking about her. I liked everything about her and I mean everything. My feelings for my girlfriend have disappeared. This has never happened to me before, and I don’t know whether I should dump this girlfriend and ask the other one out.
ANSWER: Yes, you should. Don’t let yourself miss those exciting, grand opportunities that come up in life.
This kind of joyful thing happens to most people, but this is not an everyday occurrence. You should act on it and enjoy yourself. You will find things you don’t like, probably, and that is okay too.
Wizard
March 14, 2008
Question: The other night, this girl I hang around with said, "Why do you like me so much?" I was a little dumbfounded and instead of saying, "I don't," which is kind of how I feel (I like her, but "so much". . . the ego on her), I relayed that I am a very nice person, and very nice to everyone. This is not a dumping situation, just an inquiry, because this is not the first time. This may be complex or not. The thing is, I get this a lot.
They think I am "in love with them" or I have been told, "You love me more than I love you.” As stated, I am just very nice. Now, do I need to "not be myself" and "jerk" these girls around a little more or something, so they realize that they are not "goddesses" in my eyes? I think I will know what you will say and I agree, "Be yourself." I do not like games. Perhaps, there is a way I can handle it, keeping my "nice" self intact, but relaying a strong statement when these bombshells are dropped.
ANSWER: You are right – the answer is to continue as you were. Some of them probably (and to their loss) don’t understand or realize that they’ve got the real thing – a guy who is nice, and for real. You know that in most girls’ worlds you are a rare (but valuable and to be cherished) bird.
Here is one effective way to stop the problem: Don’t ever say you are nice. Don’t volunteer it. Don’t in a long discourse (in a conversation with a girlfriend when you talk about yourselves) say you’re nice. Avoid putting yourself in that category – ever – by never giving a high opinion about your self.
If a girl says you are nice, tell her that’s her opinion, not yours. If a girl says you are in love with her, or you love her more than she loves you, say, well, that’s your opinion.
No need to be disputatious about it. Don’t let it turn into an argument over how nice you are or how you feel. Keep it short. If a girl says you love her too much, and you respond, “That’s your opinion, not mine,” and she asks, “What is your opinion?” say, “Gee, I always thought you loved me more.” As you would with a deflective shield, you deflect the “game” back into her head.
The girl who deals with it gracefully (watch out) might be a genuine good find. The girls that swim in deep egos will either come up for air (looking for more good times with you) or drown the relationship. Regardless of how it goes in her head, this tactic should resolve a lot of your problem.
The girl that said, “Why do you like me so much?” was not a date, so the question could be a sign of a different problem. Her question might have been motivated by her own insecurities, in which case the question was a nice way of saying thanks, and subtle way of looking for a compliment to keep her confidence up. What you perceived as ego could have been a genuine admission of weakness. If you followed the advice given here, when she said, “Why do you like me so much?” you would say, “I do? Wherever do you get that idea?” She might then describe what she perceives as nice or gracious behaviors. You would then respond, “That’s how I treat everybody.”
Do all of this with a smile and never admit to being nice. Don’t be unhappy that people think you are nice. Let them come to that conclusion if they will, and don’t rubber stamp it with your opinion that agrees.
When you are dating a good find, you can lay it on saying, “That’s how I am with someone as special as you are.”
Wizard
March 12, 2008
Question: Well me and my girlfriend have been almost together for a year now. I am training for a sport to hopefully go to college with and am training four days a week. Since it’s not in season the practices are optional. My girlfriend doesn’t like that I would rather go to optional practice than her. This summer my schedule is only going to get worse and I don’t know how to explain that to her. I am also starting to get interested in other girls. I’m not really looking for a serious relationship anymore. I just want to have fun, considering I’m only 17. I want to break up with her, but I’m not sure if its the right thing to do. She still loves me a lot and I don’t know how to tell her. She gets very emotional sometimes. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you are training for a sport you enjoy, that is a part of you. If a girl wants to date you, she dates you as you are. You cannot take away from your life an activity that gives you so much. If she can’t tolerate your sports activity, then you aren’t the right guy for her. That’s how you explain it to her.
You should be enjoying yourself. If you feel you are not enjoying yourself dating her, for whatever reason, it is time to dump her and move on. A lot of guys at 17 want to date around and for them that means have fun. That is not abnormal or wrong.
Breaking up is the right thing to do if it is what you want. If you were in love with her, you would not want to break up. Do not decide to stay in a relationship because she loves you. Love is a two-way street. It doesn’t work in one direction.
When you tell her, do not tell her about anything negative about her. Tell her she was great fun and you liked her a lot, but that you’re not yet interested in a long-term commitment. Tell her you know she’ll make another guy very happy, but that you’ve got so much to do and worry about with sports that you want to stop dating for a while.
She will adjust and find another guy. You will find another girl.
Wizard
March 11, 2008
Question: So I like this girl and she just got out of a relationship like two weeks ago. She told me she likes me, but is it too soon to try anything? Or am I just a re-bound guy?
ANSWER: You might be just a re-bound guy, but you might not. It is not too soon, and you won’t find out anything unless you go for it.
Wizard
March 10, 2008
Question: Wizard - I have used you a couple of times and you always have great advice. I also enjoy reading your answers to other questions.
Can I donate to help you cover some of your costs?
ANSWER: Everyone anywhere can ask a question here and get an answer. Howdy-do-ya that! The advice is free, and intended to be so, to make one’s financial resources irrelevant to the quality of advice.
Most people think advice is more valuable when one must pay dearly for it. A lawyer who charges $300 an hour, for example, gives better advice than a lawyer who charges $100 an hour. Well, the wizard’s advice is free – its value is determined solely by its content, not by how much one must pay for it.
Friends advise the wizard (shiver me timbers they do) to be paid for services and your kindness and generosity is much appreciated. The fact that you enjoy reading the answers and appreciate the advice is ample reward.
A friend (a lawyer, also) advises the wizard to syndicate the advice as a weekly column. He says publication in newspapers will give the wizard’s wisdom more notice. Readers who write for advice on the internet can continue to get it without cost.
He’s a good lawyer and he might be right (and, for the wizard, his advice is free!). Interested editors (if there are any!) can check out the sites. Established newspaper guidelines can be accommodated as to size, style, and anything else. Inquiries can be sent to Dagorg, Inc., P.O. Box 194, Williamsburg, MA 01096. Maybe, just maybe, someone in Dagorg will initiate something formal with syndication, but that is out of the wizard’s hands.
Wizard
March 6, 2008
Question: I’ve been dating a girl for about a year now. I play sports almost every day and she doesn’t like it, but I can’t stop. I believe her and her mom think we’re getting married and I really had no intensions. I don’t know if I really want to be stuck in this relationship. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you are unsure, but are not miserable, you can give it time so you think it through. Once you are sure you don’t want the relationship any more, end it quickly and smoothly so it is truly over. No need to keep her stuck in the relationship too.
If you don’t end it, remember to enjoy life. That means sports for you. A dating relationship should not cause one to sacrifice hobbies or activities one enjoys, so long as they are legal and not harmful.
Wizard
March 2, 2008
Question: My girlfriend is a greedy . . . and she serves no purpose for me anymore for me. She’s emotional and I know that she'll cut herself or worse if I break up her (she cut herself on first breakup). She’s a freak and how do you break up with a loony? She is kaka for coco puffs, I’m telling you!
ANSWER: You’ll make it harder for her if you don’t dump her. If you stay attached, her roots will grow deeper and grasp you tighter, you will grow more miserable, she’ll be placated until you can’t stand it any more, and you will finally dump her in complete frustration at a time when she will be more vulnerable to emotional and psychological collapse.
A swift and final dump may be hard for her, yes. Unless she will mentally heal up and be able to take a hard hit later, you are better off giving her the news in a clear and firm message so it’s absolutely over – now – so the hurt she will necessarily feel gets done before it gets worse than it already is.
Thank goodness you didn’t ask, Should I stay in a relationship fearing that my date will hurt herself when I dump her?
You asked the more pertinent question: How do I dump a looney?
The answer is the same – Do it clearly, so she makes no mistake in understanding what is happening. Do it swiftly, so no delay causes her roots to grow any deeper. Be sure not to say anything that compromises these two points. For instance, do not agree that maybe you can get back together again if she changes or improves. The dump must be final and complete.
Finally, do not unnecessarily hurt her. Do not say she’s a looney. She can be dumb and silly, totally off her rocker with only toys in her attic, and unable to state the alphabet and count 1 to 10. She could be combative, swear at you like a crazy ***** and curse your Mommy and your ancestors,
slap and hit you like she swats a mosquito, and spit in your face. She could cry, tell you how much she loves you, threaten to cut herself, wail about being lonely, and complain that you are her last hope in this dangerous and scary world. And all of that can occur with only one dumpee! You must treat her with gentle respect and kindness, regardless of what you hear and see.
Don’t tell her she is kaka for coco puffs! Keep that to yourself.
Wizard
March 2, 2008
Question: I don’t love my girlfriend anymore. She got a job and I don’t. She doesn’t go to school and she has no idea how hard it is to keep both. She spends whatever money I have left and invites me to places like the mall and traps me to pay or she'll get emotional. How should I break up with this . . . thing?
ANSWER: The same way you break up with any girl you don’t love and who doesn’t need you. You tell her you are no longer interested in a dating relationship. It is as simple as, “
Sorry, I don’t want to date anymore.” No need to bring up the reasons why. No need to argue with her. No need to make it any more complicated than that.
If the relationship was long-term, or if you had started living together, or if other entanglements make the break-up more difficult, some things might need to be finessed. In your case, just keep it simple.
What do they say? KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid. Use the KISS method.
Wizard
February 27, 2008
Question: I can’t seem to let go of the past, plus I feel like ****. I’m growing to hate her and should I dump her? I believe in "treat others how you want to be treated" and she’s a total *****.
ANSWER: Look, my man. Do yourself some good. Take a cold shower. Then dump her.
A dating relationship that causes so much stress is not worth it.
Wizard
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