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May 31, 2008
Question: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year (a year next week) and she is in the Navy. Things have been rocky for a while because of the distance and I do not have much money to see her as often as either of us would like. Lately she has been on a ship and she met a guy that she started spending a lot of time with. I just found out that he has kissed her on the cheek and the forehead while they were hanging out and that he puts his arm around her and holds her hand a lot. She says they are just friends. Last night, however, she got really drunk while on liberty and was at a hotel with this guy and some other guys. I was really scared and when I talked to the guy I lost my temper and blamed him for letting her get so drunk. He started threatening me and telling me I don't deserve her and I shouldn't be with her and gave me rules for how I need to treat her if I want to talk to her again. I'm really angry that she has allowed this guy to get so involved in our relationship, but I don't know if I'm just being jealous and paranoid? Is that the case or is she cheating and do I have a reason to want her to stop hanging out with this guy?
ANSWER: You are not paranoid. You are jealous, and should be, because a guy that kisses your girlfriend on the cheek and forehead while hanging out, and puts his arm around her and holds her hand a lot, has intentions that do not include you.
You can’t blame the guy. When a guy is with a girl who is not married, nor engaged to be married, as far as he is concerned she is free game. He obviously thinks highly of her and will not care about you, a “former” boyfriend in his mind.
The next question is, what can you do about it? All you can do is talk it through with your girlfriend. If you are losing her, she should respect you enough to let you know. If you are not losing her, and she is still wanting to keep you for when she returns, all you can do is tell her that this other guy makes you uncomfortable and causes you a huge amount of worry.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: Hello, Wizard. I have been dating a girl for about 6.5 months. We are both in our mid-late 20's, I am 2 years older than her. There are several things I like about her and several things I don't.
First the good. She is pretty, intelligent enough (book smart), has similar taste in food as me, and is hilarious.
Now the bad. She is not in as good of shape as when we met, and she is not in as good of shape as other girls I have dated in the past. I am no Adonis, but I do go to the gym, and though she runs, she could be in better shape.
She is not very good or generous in bed -- if we are changing positions she barely moves. If we are engaged in foreplay, suffice it to say that I am the one doing almost all of the work. While I hate to turn my nose up at sex in general, the fact is that my previous partners have universally been more experienced and skilled.
Politics are important to me. Though we don't share all the same views, I can respect anyone's beliefs and the fact that people have different views. Unfortunately, her own set of political beliefs seem to often contradict themselves, or even common sense. She may just be non-political, or not nearly as into it as me, but regardless, I can't decide if this is a trivial gripe or something legitimate for me to be concerned with.
She also comes from more money and a fancier area than where I grew up. By no means are my family, friends or I lower class, but my girlfriend tends to place (even if just slightly) more emphasis on material possessions like clothes than I have traditionally been comfortable with. I like to dress well. I just don't think that fashion is a substitute for mental substance.
She also tends only to read chick-lit. From what I gather, she hasn't read a serious book in a long time. I shudder inside at some of the things that she says/viewpoints she holds. She's not stupid, just willfully naive, or perhaps sheltered, I think.
Finally, she is not the most generous girl -- I expect to shell out quite a lot of money when I first start dating a girl, but after 6 months, it would be nice if she offered to pay for dinner once or twice. This may have to do with her upbringing as well -- used to being doted on by parents and whatnot. We're in grad school and I'm just as broke as her.
Basically, I'm a huge liberal used to weird/indie music, debating issues, etc. She is more uptown, prim and proper, and doesn't seem to be interested in the same sorts of things as me and the people I usually hang around with. I don't think she 'gets' the stuff I'm obsessed with/into. I genuinely, thoroughly enjoy my time with her, and she is a sweetheart, but a naive sweetheart lacking the mental and/or sexual edge I usually go for.
She is always saying that our sex life is great which I don't agree with, and if I break up with her, I'll be bummed and will miss her, and will eventually get over it, but I imagine she'll be genuinely hurt. Is this salvageable or do I probably need to move on? HELP!
ANSWER: She has good qualities and she has bad qualities. You will decide whether she has enough good qualities to make you happy, and whether the bad qualities can be overlooked or accommodated.
The bad qualities, well, it all depends on your feelings about them. Are they too bad to put up with? Will they deteriorate into something worse?
Time will tell for you if you can’t tell right now. You can continue to date her – if the bad qualities are too much for you, they will eventually wear you down, and you will wonder why you are still dating her. At that point, time to let her go.
Be sure you don’t have children or get married before you know.
Wizard
May 24, 2008
Question: My girlfriend and I have been together for nine months. At first I could not perform to completion, but then could. I am 64 and she is 46. Now, it is getting more difficult, and has been awhile since I have been able to. To be honest my feelings toward her are not as strong. I get very tired fast, and just have to stop. But, for awhile when my feelings were stronger for her, I had more stamina. I cannot tell if it is my age, or if I am just not as attracted to her anymore that is keeping me from it. I know this is personal, but if you have any perspectives on this, please be frank.
ANSWER: Both – your age and your interest. When one grows older, one’s stamina lessens as a general rule, but one’s interest in women does not wane. Sexual interest, as well as emotional or spiritual interest, can live with great vibrancy in older people. Physically, however, the stamina simply is not the same. When you were 12, you could run ten city blocks, and then run back! At your age, you can run but you will tire.
The better your feelings towards her, the more stamina you will muster. The weaker your feelings for her become, the less willing your body will be produce the stamina you miss.
Desire fuels the body at any age. A young lad can do anything with or without desire, but will move mountains if he has the desire to do so. An older man needs desire to do something. What gives an older man desire? That depends on the man.
Wizard
May 16, 2008
Question: I'm 25 and I've been dating this chick who was awesome for 3 months and then she showed this crazy temper and won’t leave my house and throws crazy temper tantrums and breaks stuff when I ask her to leave and barricades herself in front of the door. I've tried to dump her but she always refuses and then goes off the handle in my house. She steals car keys so I can't even leave my house. How do I dump this chick?
ANSWER: By now (this answer is posted on May 23) your relationship should be so soured that she has left on her own volition. If she hasn’t, you should either move out (if you don’t own your house) or tell her to get out and serve her with a notice of trespass. Call the police if she breaks your personal property. If she barricades you in, call the police.
She will tire of this bizarre behavior. If she doesn’t, you must turn your exasperation into action – legal action – to be sure she is removed from your home.
Wizard
May 14, 2008
Question: Hi, I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now, but things nowadays are in the bad shape. She sometimes goes back to her ex boyfriend’s and right now she is dating her work mate. They are always together after work, and sometimes the guy spends nights at her place while I’m away. My girlfriend recently had an abortion late March this year and I can’t tell who impregnated her. Please help.
ANSWER: You don’t need help. You can see the bad shape things are in. Take affirmative action. Dump her and move on to a more faithful girl.
Wizard
May 11, 2008
Question: Should I dump my girlfriend? I am 23 and she is 20 and we’ve been going out for 13 months and all she ever does is complain that I never want to hang out with her, even thought she sleeps over my house all the time (usually 7 days a week). I’ve been telling her I need space to do things with my friends and she doesn't give it to me. When I tell her I don't want to see her I have to lie about where I am because she will drive to come find me. I have threatened to call the cops and she says she doesn't care. My friends are telling me that I am no longer the same person I was because I have this girl in my life and I don't act the same anymore (I feel it too). I have been telling this girl to go away for the last 3 days and all she does is cry and say that I don't love her and if I did I would be with her. I do love her, but I am starting to love her less and less the more she keeps pulling this crap. She calls me about 25 times a day and texts me over 100 whether I answer or not. The fact of the matter is, I would love to stay with her if she would change and not need to be up my rear-end all the time, but she isn't going to change because I have had many sit down talks and told her my true feeling. Whenever I say these things she compares me to other people’s boyfriends and her ex boyfriend. I need her out of my life right now because she is strangling me and I can't breathe. Please help. What should I do?
ANSWER: You feel strangled because she is choking you. Some well-meaning girls get it in their minds that they have to have their guy all the time, so much so that it is like an obsession. A guy must have the ability to live a guy’s life. A guy needs his guy friends, his recreation, his peace of mind, his freedom, and some room to move around in. It doesn’t mean that he dislikes his girlfriend, or that he can’t commit to a loving relationship. It only means that a guy needs space to live where his girlfriend is not there. It sounds complicated to a lot of girls, but it isn’t complicated. The need for space is not derived from anything deep and mysterious. It is a surface need for most guys. By “surface” need, the wizard means something that is right on top. What you see is what it is.
If you want to save the relationship, she wants some of your space. Sleeping overnight with you is not “hanging out” together. She needs some quality fun time. It doesn’t need to be lovey-dovey. It should be light fun with conversation, getting out, laughing, eating, playing, watching, doing something ordinary. Being together, if the sparks are there, will light up the dark spots and liven up the dullest of moments. Being together in casual places without schedules and heavy romance – just hanging out – is what she might need and want.
If you allow her into some of your space, she might be satisfied, and be more understanding about your need for space alone. Try it, if you want to try to keep the relationship together.
If you don’t, move on – dump her with all the compliments and pleasantries, but a clear and unmistakable dump nonetheless. You don’t want her tagging along after a dump.
Wizard
May 1, 2008
Question: Well, I have a question. I'm 17 and she's 18. I've been dating this girl for seven months. When we met I fell in love with her instantly. We've had an absolutely wonderful relationship until a few months ago.
A few months back I got shipped off to a boarding school for two months for reasons not relevant to this question, and we stuck through it. I snuck out every night to call her and I kept in touch with her there.
While I was in there, out of a combination of stress, anxiety, being overworked at school, work, and staying up all night and becoming anorexic, she went into a deep depression, (started cutting, starving herself, throwing up, trying to drown herself, etc.). She eventually was hospitalized for a little bit over a week and was released on intensive therapy and some antidepressants.
At about this time, I came home, but she isn't really getting better, she's getting worse. Her parents and the hospital signed a "home safety contract" that basically controlled and contorted her life. It told her when to eat, when she could work, how to do homework, how long she could talk on the phone, and made it so I could see her for a maximum of 3 hours per week. Sad to say there was no getting around this and she wasn't willing to break the rules.
Well, she got worse, and was hospitalized again twice. The third time, they were going to send her to long-term care, and I don't know what I would've done. You see, this girl, she's not a bit crazy, or emotional, or any of that. It seemed that me and her were the only ones that knew that.
So she got out of the long-term deal and got one more chance, but we can barely see each other, and this is driving me insane. Before all of these problems, my life consisted of going to school, and seeing her, then after school, seeing her, then coming home, and talking to her. She was my life. She was worth everything to me. As all of these things unfolded, it seemed harder and harder to stay with her, but I still loved her.
So, since I couldn't see her, my weekends started opening up. I started to go party and get messed up. I started drinking, which she was ok with, then I started smoking weed, which she was NOT ok with. When I came clean with her about smoking weed, she slapped me and made me promise I'd never do it again. But did I? Yeah, I tried to hide it, and slowly conform her to my interests. Not only did getting wasted affect our relationship, but also, she would get worried when I wouldn't answer, and freak out, and get suicidal.
She began to be touchy and sometimes what seemed to me to be the tip of a hat set her into a manic state of depression. I was hurting her. I did selfish things to hurt her.
One day, I was working, and her friend took her to a concert with another friend. My girl for some reason decided to have A LOT of beer, and even cigarettes, which she doesn't normally do. So she calls me when she gets home, and she is MESSED UP, and so was I. So I invited her over and introduced her to pot and a few other things happened that night, if you know what I mean.
After that night, after she slept a full day and sobered up, it was like a train hit her, because she scared herself because she wants to be this goody girl who goes to Harvard and becomes a lawyer, so she was scared that she was screwing up her life. And that day, she called me, and we talked, and she told me she wanted to take a break from our relationship to get both of our lives back on track. She said that my grades are about to fail me for the year, I'm about to be fired from my job, and I'm just slacking in my life, getting messed up, and not caring, and not only that but I hurt her, broke promises with her, betrayed her, was a bad influence on her, and quite frankly I took her for granted. And I agree with all of that.
She said that both of us need to fix ourselves up and that I need to be a man she can depend on. She says that if I can straighten up and get my life on track that she'll go back out with me. And most importantly, even though we both agreed to this break, we still love each other, we still tell each other we love each other, we still talk on the phone at night, she still tells me she's here for me and I say the same, but it seems the reason we're not together is that we, at least she, is not at a point in life for a relationship.
But my dilemma: The life of partying, and having carefree fun that isn't bound to the likings of a particular girlfriend, is a life that is very appeasing to me. I'm really at a crossroads in my life, and what I really want to know, Mr. Wizard, or well, what I really want an unbiased opinion on, is should I clean up and wait, or should I move on and enjoy the life of a 17 year old?
ANSWER: She’s been through the grinder. She witnessed the turmoil and pain that life can bring if one does not care for one’s self. She knows what she wants in life and is getting ready to pursue it. As her boyfriend, you witnessed her pain. Though you know she wasn’t crazy, you saw her suffer. You respect her and love her. With your experience of seeing her suffer, and your agreement that you have been a bad influence on her, you do not want to hurt her.
At your age you have energy and enthusiasm that combine to create a willingness to take risks. You are not immortal, even if you feel that way sometimes. Tragedy lurks around every corner, as you know from your girlfriend’s experience. One must not make decisions out of fear of tragedy, surely, but risk-taking is the oil that greases the machinery of tragic consequences. Your “life of a 17 year old” is a risk-taking adventure because it includes getting messed up with drugs and alcohol. Your evident preference for the risk-taking life, without getting bound to a girlfriend’s likings, is not unnatural.
You are not yet at a crossroads. Instead, you have already selected your preference, as made clear in your question. Enjoy the exuberance of youth. It abounds in your spirit. It needs to be spent and enjoyed. You need to expand your experience and seek some of the thrill of life that awaits you.
However, please accept a note of caution. Drugs and alcohol are dangerous commodities that find their way into the lives of people, young and old. Like water that seeps into cracks and expands in the cold, making the cracks widen so much that huge boulders snap in two, drugs and alcohol seep into the cracks of your personality. In the cold of life, if you are lonely, unhappy, or weak, they cause your weaknesses to grow and snap you in two.
Getting messed up is anti-experiential. It messes up your ability to perceive experience, to remember experience, and to do something worthwhile with experience. If you want to live the life of a 17 year old, that means you want to experience things, learn from them, use them in life, making your time alive full of happenings, high and low, to fly or dig with eyes wide open. You can’t do that messed up – and tragedy waits around that ever-present corner for you to get messed up
Wizard
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