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November 27, 2006
Question: I have a girlfriend, but I am still married. She is insecure with me and we have some confrontations. Should I drop her and go back to my wife, who is cold?
ANSWER: If you have children, go back to your wife, period. If you don’t, go back to your wife and try to re-ignite the flame that was lit when you got married. Marriage counseling is a common thing today – and, perhaps most importantly, just the effort to attend counseling tells the other partner that you want to make it happen.
Wizard
November 26, 2006
Question: I'm involved in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend is always complaining because i spent two weeks without phoning her. I used to phone her every weekend but then i decided not to be too obsessed. So i started to call her once every 2-3 weeks. When we talk, there is not much we talk about and end up
having a moment of silence on the phone. Last summer holiday, i went to visit her and i found out that she had not told me that she was not a virgin. The last day we were together, she refused to kiss me goodbye but when i came to the UK she's been bothering me. She also refused to sleep with me. Yet she had slept with her ex boyfriend and had hidden that from me. She even told her mother about me and asked me to meet her mom, which i did. She is now acting like my wife and she is becoming a nag. I don’t know what to do. She always wants to dominate the relationship by using her sexuality. Now the point is that when i called her recently, just after we exchanged hellos, she demanded a reason why . . . .
ANSWER: If you feel bothered, nagged, and dominated, and if you slow your calls from every weekend to once every two to three weeks because you decide not to be obsessed, and the girl is a long distance away, messages glow all over the dating map that this is not going to last. A dump is reasonably to be expected.
Wizard
November 25, 2006
Question: hi. i have been goin’ out with my gf for 7 months. we are in love. i see her every day but now i am only getting to see her 2 times a week. because she has slept with other guys since we started goin’ out, but we are ok now. should i dump her?
ANSWER: Verb tenses make it difficult to know your situation. If you are (right now) in love, and you are (right now) okay, no, you should not dump her.
Wizard
November 22, 2006
Question: Been dating a really clingy girl for a year and a half now. Dating is strong though, it's more like i've been stringing her along. I started dating her right before I got out of college and it's gone from bad to worse, but I just can't let go yet. My job keeps me traveling for about 4 to 5 days a week and when I'm back in town...BAM! She starts smothering me.
She expects/demands that I hang out with her when she is off work and I don't even have that much fun. We normally just hang at her place and I listen to her whine about how her friends are engaged, how she's so ready to be, how much she hates her job, how much she hates school and thinks it's a waste of time, how she wishes that I would marry her tomorrow, how she wishes I made more money so that when we got married we wouldn't have to struggle and on and on and on ...
This summer we were walking around the mall and the yanked me into a jewelry store and pointed out the ring she absolutely had to have. I tried to pawn her off, but she was persistent and just kept on. Eventually I had to cave and now she thinks that I have the engagement ring. She comes from an extremely conservative religious family and is basically trying to mold me into what she's been telling her parents about me. I've basically had to rearrange my entire lifestyle to please this girl and I still come up short because I'm gone half the month.
When I miss holidays and weekends, which happens all the time, she just goes insane and whines and complains on the phone all the time. She keeps asking me "when can we get engaged" and I more or less have agreed to next May, but I'm definitely not ready and I'm being a piece of garbage for agreeing to it. I've just become a zombie, following her around the mall and department stores watching her shop for furniture and stuff for "our wedding" because she has no girlfriends to hang out with at home while I'm working.
I'm pretty much all she has and she's told me that I'm the only reason why she is in school for her degree. She has these little emotional breakdowns about once or twice a month due to self-imposed worry and stress and they drive me up the wall, but I bite my tongue and just listen and keep agreeing that we can get engaged next year to avoid further argument. I've agreed myself into a hole and I can't get out! ALL my friends and ALL my family say I should drop this back of bricks right now, but I'm so worried because I know it will rip her heart out and destroy her emotionally. I'm her first serious boyfriend and she thinks the world of me. Worse yet, I am her world.
I just feel lost and like a huge weight is on my shoulders all the time. I lie to her about when I'll be back home in order to hang out with my friends. She doesn't approve of alcohol and I secretly enjoy an OCCASIONAL (and I do mean occasional) drink behind her back with my buds. I know I can't manage her emotions for her, but she is just so demanding, clingy, needy and whatever else that I just can't take it anymore. Plz help.
ANSWER: The wizard agrees with your friends and family.
Tell her, as difficult as it will be, that you want to back out of the engagement. You might add that you need some space (meaning time) to think. This will heavily hint that a problem exists and it slows the hammer of a complete break up. It puts honesty back into the relationship and gives you some breathing room.
To succeed with this, you must not disappoint yourself by wimping out. Be sure you do back out of the engagement and gain some time. Once you have accomplished that, see how you feel about her. If you remain as uncomfortable with the idea of going back as you are uncomfortable with being where you are, then you can take the next step of completing the break up altogether.
You will feel better and she will find someone else who meets her expectations better.
Wizard
November 19, 2006
Question: i have been going out with my gf for 3 months. it has been great hanging out with her but it’s only 1day a week and all it is is just sitting round talking even then she still seems shy around me and im starting to get bored with it.
she is a great girl but she is more of a friend than a girlfriend and she is really good friends with my friends. so i worry that if i dump her it will affect my relationship with my other friends. what to do? what to do?
ANSWER: Surely, your friends don’t expect you to stay in a relationship forever, do they? Or would they be unhappy with her if she dumped you? A breakup is not a cause for blame or finger pointing. Breakups in dating happen all the time. Only idiotic sticks-in-the-mud would hold it against you if you break up.
Don’t chain yourself to a relationship because you fear what your friends will think.
Wizard
November 12, 2006
Question: ive been dating this girl for over a year and she is now going to change to a different school and be even farther away from me. i want to go out with someone else that wants to, but i think she would only go out with me for a little bit. should i dump my girlfriend and go out with the other one?
ANSWER: You should freely date the girl that is nearer to you. The other relationship is likely to die a natural death without a formal dump. You can keep in touch with the first girl, but new and easier dates will emerge. Enjoy yourself and let the current relationship change naturally.
Wizard
November 11, 2006
Question: I've been going out with this girl for about 2 months, but I want to let her down gently, but still be friends. I didn't intend for us to go out in the first place. Please could you give me a good way of doing this. Thank you.
ANSWER: Just tell her directly that you would like to change the relationship from a dating relationship to a friendly but non-dating relationship. Tell her you liked her but that you want to move in a different direction. Be firm about the decision but don’t say anything negative (Don’t tell her you didn’t intend for you to go out in the first place).
See the wizard’s answer to the last November 8 question below. That will tell you in greater detail what to do and what not to do.
Wizard
November 10, 2006
Question: I loved my girlfriend very much, but I'm just not in love with her any more, and haven't been for a while.
About a year ago, her family accused her of stealing money from them and she was kicked out of their house. Having nowhere else to go or anyone else to turn to, she came to me. This happened on the same day that I was planning to dump her anyway, but I couldn't do that. I'm not that mean. I mean, who wants to lose absolutely everything in one day?
As I said, that was a year ago now, and the reason that I still haven't dumped her was that I was waiting for her to patch things up with her family, so that she would have somewhere to go after I dumped her, but that hasn't happened yet, and doesn't look like it will for some time.
I don't hate my girlfriend, but I've known for a while that we weren't right for each other. I just wish that she would see the same. I could end up wrongfully resenting her if we stay together much longer.
I should mention that we live together now and have done for three months now. The reason for this is that when she got kicked out of her family's home, I arranged for her to move in with a work colleague of mine. This turned out to be a bad move, because the house was a dump, and her housemates were complete bitches. So I moved her in with me.
I feel guilty for everything. For wanting to dump her, for stringing her along for so long, for not being in love with her anymore and for knowing that if I do dump her, her life will be worthless. She'll have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. If I just leave, she won't be able to afford the apartment on her own, and still have no one to turn to.
Should I dump her and hope that she's ok? Or should I stay and hope that I don't end up hating her forever?
ANSWER: Tell her that there is no longer any romance in the relationship and that your relationship with her from now on is platonic.
Continue to help her in finding a new place to live. Let her stay where she is until a new place can be found. Don’t engage in sex with her and don’t mislead her about your intentions. Get it straight with her right away – but doing that does not mean that she must leave and fend for herself right away. You should be lenient in accordance with her needs, helping her find a place to live and help her to be secure.
No need to look back and feel guilty. Look forward with an honest desire to help her out as a friend but not as a boyfriend or lover.
Wizard
November 8, 2006
Question: i am in love with another girl and want to dump my present girl who adores me. How do i let her off gently? The only reason i'm still with her is because i pity her. Help!!!!
ANSWER: Everyone faces this big problem when dumping a date and moving on to someone else. You must decide to do it, and then do it. It is difficult and often an unhappy moment, but reality creeps into our lives all the time, and we all must deal with it.
Just tell her directly that you want to end the relationship, that you like her and enjoyed your time with her, but you feel a need to go a different direction. Treat it as a positive thing for both of you. Don’t get negative, for example, by telling her that the only reason you are still with her is because you pity her. That would be demeaning and harmful.
Bells ring! Wizard’s Wisdom HERE: In a dump, don’t tell negative reasons for the dump! If she didn’t talk enough or talked too much, had no humor or thought every serious thing you said or did was funny, didn’t give you enough space or ignored you too much, was too fat or too thin, smelled of too much perfume or too much body odor, chewed gum with her mouth open or didn’t like you chewing gum, her hair was too frizzy or too long and straight, her knees knocked or she was bull-legged, her voice was too raspy or too high, she laughed too much and too loud, she was crude, she was slutty, she was pushy, she was a man-hater, she flirted with other guys, she smoked too much, did too much drinking or drugs, was boring, silly, obnoxious, slow, conceited, clingy, or any of a thousand other reasons, DO NOT TELL HER!
Speak of a better future. Tell about liking her (it must be true if you dated) and how sure you are that she will find another date real soon. And, rule number two, make it clear that the relationship is over. Do not fall prey to suggestions that you take a break, or try something different for a while, just to try again later.
Once it is over, if you were clear enough about it, it will be over. She will adjust and move on to new interests also. When both of you have found new dates, life will be better for you both. There is no sense in one of you keeping a relationship alive just because one of you pities the other. That’s bogus – a recipe for failure.
Wizard
November 8, 2006
Question: Me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 months and she has cheated on me once, but we have since reconnected. The thing i am having trouble with, however, is that i don't really know how i feel about this girl and whether i should dump her or not. When i'm with her, things are great and i couldn't ask for anything else, but when we are not together (we live about 20 minutes apart) i don't feel like i need her and i always want to go and meet new girls with my boys at the bars, but i can't. I like the girl a lot, but then again i feel like i have this huge hole in my life not being able to have the social freedom that i want. I just want to know if you think i should dump this girl and have a fun time with my boys going after the "chase" or should i try to stick things through with my girlfriend?! i'm just really confused at this point and i have nobody to talk to about it. Thanks.
ANSWER: You should fill the huge whole in your life. But understand that you might discover that the hole was not that big, or in fact may not exist at all, and the girls you find might not be as good as the one you dumped to fill the non-existent hole.
But if you feel the hole is there, then you should do what you need to do to find out if it exists, and how big it is, and fill it.
You are not married. You need to live a full life. That means experiment, explore, examine, test, make decisions, and act on them. After your experience widens, so will your wisdom, and your decision-making abilities will also improve, and then a time will come when you will want to commit to one girl. Obviously that time is in your future, not now.
Wizard
November 7, 2006
Question: I had like 10 years with my girlfriend and I respect her like my wife. The only thing is we are not married and she lives with me, I share everything with her, she works with me, and now she wants more time with me. We are living with my brother and she wants all my attention to her. She said I need to split my life with my family and my life with her, but I thought she was part of my family since the beginning. What can I do???
ANSWER: The two of you have differing perspectives on the meaning of family and the importance of involvement of other family members. She probably sees great value in creating a family – that is, you and she making one central, primary family, and your relatives being secondary to that. You are perceiving importance in the primary family, yours, into which you have brought your girlfriend.
Both perceptions are okay if both of you can see it the same way. You will need to talk to each other about what your future goals are in terms of family. If you were to get married, perhaps then you would move to your own place to live with her, and she would feel much better. This might be a heavily laden hint that she wants more than just being your girlfriend and living with your brother.
Wizard
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