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November 30, 2007
Question: I have been with my girlfriend since July. We cannot get enough of each other. Since the relationship started, I thought she was
flawless. As time went on, I discovered she has a huge obsession with her family heritage. I have nothing against any interest in heritage at
all. However, she is constantly talking about her heritage, bringing up anything related to it, and so on. Her lifestyle is even partially based
on her heritage. I did not mind hearing about it at first, but now I am starting to think I may not be able to handle this much longer. She wants
this relationship to last forever. I have dropped several hints that clearly show I am getting annoyed by this. Anyone would be able to notice
the hints. I do not want to hurt her by saying how annoying this is, but at the same time I am getting frustrated and annoyed. There is no chance
of me having an interest in her heritage either. Heritage is just something that does not interest me. I do not want to end the relationship over
a matter such as this.
ANSWER: If it is of huge importance to you, then you should make it an important item to discuss with her when you talk about your future
together.
Perfection is a goal that no one accomplishes. Some faults of your date can be overlooked and others can’t. Deciding which ones are
too obnoxious to tolerate is entirely up to you.
Wizard
November 27, 2007
Question: I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. When we are together it’s amazing and most of the time we never argue or
anything. We have both just gone to different universities. I am in the East and she is out West. She has suddenly become pretty mental and when
we speak on the phone and she gets all paranoid, I just want to end it. I’m starting to feel it a lot at the moment. I have always said to
myself if I start thinking about breaking up with someone, then I will do it very soon, because it isn't fair on either of you. I loved her when
were together, but hate her when we're not, and sometimes wanting to phone her is an effort. Do I need to buckle down and be a better boyfriend
or escape now when we can talk about it over Christmas? HELP.
ANSWER: If you cannot make adjustments to keep your relationship alive while you are apart, you cannot continue the relationship as you came
to know it when you were together. This is what you will want to discuss when you get together over Christmas.
If you both find it amazing when you are together and never argue, then getting together over Christmas is a time to work out a way to deal
with your separation when you are at university. Try it, at least. Maybe then you can also agree that if the adjustments you discuss don’t
work, the relationship as you knew it must end, at least until you are together again in your future. If she is as practical as you are, perhaps
she will agree that the relationship should end altogether.
Wizard
November 24, 2007
Question: Hey wizard. I’m back again. Thanks for the help you’ve given me in the past. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m
15 and my girlfriend’s 14. She goes on about how she wants "us" to be a forever thing. I don’t feel the same way. I
don’t want to be tied down. I want to go with other girls and experience other relationships. How would I tell her this? Thanks a lot. You
are a legend.
ANSWER: At your age it is okay for both of you to want to be forever, but getting there is hugely unlikely. If she were looking
reality square in the face, she would know how perfectly normal it is that you would not feel the same way.
She wants, in fact dreams, of a forever relationship. One day she’ll have it, but she’s got a long way to go at 14, and
she’s delirious if she doesn’t know it. Sometimes people at fourteen act delirious, and that’s okay too.
Feel complimented. She picks you to dream about – that’s pretty good.
You can be honest and direct with her. Don’t act like this is a momentous decision. Smile, be friendly, and tell her the same you told
the wizard. Say, “I am really happy you feel so good about me, and I like you too, but I can’t be tied down to one girl right now.
No, I don’t have another girlfriend now, but I do want to go with other girls and experience other relationships. It’s not because I
don’t like you – I do – but I am too young to be tied down. I hope you understand.”
You don’t have to memorize this, of course, but I think you get the drift. If you are so lucky to have other girls do the same thing
in the future, remember to be up front with them early on so they don’t get so hooked that they see disaster when you break up. But, also
remember, if you think you’ve got a girl you do want to commit to, don’t be so quick with the usual “I’m a free
man” schtick! Good luck.
Wizard
November 23, 2007
Question: I have a girlfriend who is quite sensitive and is a lot like me. I don't think that the relationship will last that long, so I
think I will have to break up soon. The thing is, she's in almost all of my classes at school, and a lot of her friends now know me. HELP ME.
ANSWER: You won’t be the first or the last guy to dump a girl who attends almost all of his classes at school, and who has a lot of
friends who know him. Guys and girls dump each other all the time. You will not cause an earthquake, and the turmoil will mostly be in your mind,
or her mind, and not in the sight or hearing of anyone else.
It is okay to be sensitive, but don’t let your concern for what others think get in the way of deciding who you will or will not date.
It can’t work that way. You will only cause yourself worry and anxiety every time you decide to date or dump, and grief and disappointment
every time you fail to date or dump for the wrong reasons.
Wizard
November 21, 2007
Question: I’ve been dating a girl for almost two months now. The relationship isn’t really healthy. She smokes weed and when she
doesn’t she gets all pissy and prissy. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t feel for her any more. I don’t want to hurt
her but I need to end it. If I don’t, it won’t be good. How should I go about it?
ANSWER: Be honest. The relationship is young and fairly easy to end. Tell her you don’t feel for her like you did before. Don’t
tell her she was pissy and prissy. Tell her instead that you liked her and thought it might be good to date her, but now you think you want to
date someone else, and wish her well. Keep it that short and simple. Her feelings shouldn’t be hurt.
Wizard
November 20, 2007
Question: Dear Wizard, I've been with my girlfriend now for 3 and a half years. She is a university student. All was going great. I just
bought a house. She stays here with me, and her little brother is staying with us because of college work. One day, I came back from work and
found a template from an email from a guy to my girlfriend. To cut a long story short, he says in this email I love you so much and I think about
you every second of every day. Seeing this, I felt crushed. I asked her about this. She said "nothing had been going on." She
hadn’t slept with him, only kissed him good bye, and it didn’t mean anything. She only wanted some attention. Now she is begging me
not to leave her. After all I have done for her, I bought the house, I pay the bills, I let her brother stay rent free, and I even support her in
the university, and this is the thanks I get. I do love her, but how can I trust her now after what she has done? Please help. My head is
****ED.
ANSWER: She has been with you for three and a half years. You have indeed done so much for her. What she did was slight folly next to what
some of the other guys have to complain about.
Give her a second chance. She was honest saying she wanted some attention. Don’t leave her. Show her your kindness and willingness to
forgive. Kindness and willingness come from one major item – love. You said you love her. Show it.
Do this and you will soon see that love is the answer, and your head will no longer be ****ED.
Also, don’t hold this over her head to use if you have an argument in the future. Be strong and wise enough to forget it. Scratch it
from the memory banks.
Spiff yourself up and take her out to a candlelight dinner, just for her, and give her some attention.
Wizard
November 19, 2007
Question: Wizard. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We had a very good relationship and we are extremely close with
one another, spending nearly every day together. This relationship is for both of us our first serious relationship, and we both lost our
virginities to one another. In the last 6 or 7 months we have been fighting increasingly more and in the past 2 months we have nearly broken up
on 3 occasions. She wants to stay in the relationship and plans on marriage in our future. Over our 22 month relationship I have slowly begun to
realize that we just aren't right for each other and that it’s not what I want. In nearly all of our serious fights where we nearly broke
up it was usually me who was unable to ultimately decide to break up and eventually "caved" to staying together and working on our
problems. I however am becoming more sure every day that I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. My question I guess would be how can I
ultimately end the relationship for good, without completely devastating her, and make sure I won't stay with her?
ANSWER: If you are unsure, or might change your mind, the last thing you want to do is dump her. If, however, you are sure and will not
change your mind, the first and most immediate thing you want to do is . . . dump her.
Before you move to your next task, be very sure of what it is you want with this relationship. If you want to improve it, change it,
manipulate it, or do anything with it but end it, then don’t dump her. If you are sure you want to end it, then get it done.
This will take care of your last concern. To be sure you will not stay with her, or “cave” to staying together, you must resolve
to make the end of the relationship a complete and permanent end. If you do not resolve it to be so, you are setting up yourself and your
girlfriend for more pain and anguish over a relationship that needs to end. If it does not need to end, this whole effort at ending it is STUPID,
like attempting suicide.
Having determined that you are sure you must end it, and thus having resolved to do so without caving in the process, you will follow the
advice this site has put forth in many answers before this one.
The dump is always more complicated and potentially harmful when the relationship has been lengthy and the emotional roots have grown deep.
She is thinking marriage. You are thinking separation and divorce without all the legal complications that come after marriage.
Start with separation. If you are living together, you move out. If you see each other every day or so, stop it.
Then, when she realizes something is up (and that will happen quickly), inform her that you have decided (don’t let her change your
mind) that the relationship cannot continue. Tell her: 1. You loved her but don’t love her any more. 2. She was a wonderful companion but
you are not right for her. 3. You are unable to contribute to the relationship the kind of love and persistent care that it requires. 4. You need
to be fair to her by breaking it up because if you don’t then she will live with a false hope. 5. She must find a guy more deserving of her
love.
You can add some others, but keep them positive toward her. Put the onus of the decision on your shoulders. After all, it is your decision,
and so that is where the burden should rest. Do not tell her what she has done wrong; if you must, tell her what you did wrong. Do not
criticize her. Do not put her down. Be final. Be confident.
When all is done, do not call her back, write to her, or go back. You must carry on with your decision and live with it. Make a new
beginning for your life and make it a good one. If you go back, you are a sorry wuss.
Wizard
November 18, 2007
Question: Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 6 years and we have a son together that will be turning 1. Problem is that a
few years ago I caught her in a bunch of lies. She denied cheating when I knew for a fact she was meeting guys, but don't actually know if she
slept with them. I forgave her and we made up.
Her mother is a nightmare and I do not get along with her family at all. I tried being civil and making peace a few years ago but found out
they were stirring their **** up again, so since then I have not bothered with them. She runs to her mother for everything and they are like
white on rice.
She likes to sleep in till noon when I am off and here, and I have to get up with my son constantly. She gets on my nerves when she does it
because I feel like a single parent.
We barely have sex anymore, maybe once or twice every 2 weeks, compared to everyday, sometimes multiple a few years ago.
To be honest, I feel we are only together for the sake of our child, at least that is pretty much the only reason I am still here. There is
plenty more, believe me, to tell, but just give you an idea of what my daily life consists.
Should I fight and try or just say to **** with it and move on. Thanks.
ANSWER: Your child is important. He needs you to be a father for him all the time, especially if his mom is not one hundred percent there.
Fight and try, if not for yourself, for your son. Investigate the idea of a couples counselor, if one is in your area, to help you and the
mother get along better. Even if you meet only once a month together with such a person, it will help you keep focused on things you can do to
make her more responsive to you, and help her appreciate more all that you are doing for her.
Make yourself grow more tolerant of some of the mother’s failings and be patient but relentless about caring for your son. Over time
you will value the relationship you develop with your son so much that it all will be worthwhile. If your girlfriend matures and adjusts to the
fact that you will not leave your son, she might evolve into a better companion when she experiences your patience and tolerance for some of her
faults.
You have made it six years with your girlfriend. Your son requires a lifetime. You are most able to give him your love and care by staying
close to his mother.
Wizard
November 18, 2007
Question: I’ve been with my girlfriend now for only 3 weeks but she’s really keen on a long relationship. I hardly ever see her
because both of us are really busy and don’t have much time. About the only time we see each other now is at work once a week and then it
isn’t a very social time because we're busy working. Another reason we don’t see each other is that we don’t live within a
reasonable distance of each other. Recently I have been talking to this other girl who lives nearer to me. She has a much more open personality
and I get on really well with her. I know that she really likes me and I really like her. What would be the best way to end my relationship with
my current girlfriend, taking into account that I will still see her because we work together?
ANSWER: As she is keen on a long relationship, ending it at three weeks is so much better than at three months. You don’t want her to
get too keen on you if you are breaking up.
Treat her with ultimate respect and admiration, be honest about your feelings, be clear and unambiguous about what you say, don’t
hesitate in doing what you must do, and don’t give mixed messages.
You are fully confident in your mind that you want to date the other girl. If you follow the advice here, you will make it as likely as
possible that she will accept what you say (though she might not like it) and will continue to work with you in a polite and respectful way, with
no ties or emotional hang-ups to worry about.
Wizard
November 17, 2007
Question: she says she loves me, i have said that i love her many times, but i don’t. now i want to leave her, how?
ANSWER: Don’t tell her that you never loved her. Say you don’t love her any more. Tell her she was wonderful, but you need to
move on. Wish her well.
In other words, keep it positive, but be clear about it so it ends for sure.
Next time, be more honest. You should not express your love for someone unless you mean it.
Wizard
November 13, 2007
Question: Okay, this doesn’t have anything to do with dumping, but I have a question. I haven’t talked to my ex in 8 months now,
but I’m starting to think of her again and I don’t know how to tell her that because I hesitate to text or call her. I don’t
know what to say because I haven’t heard a word or said a word to her for that long. But I just want to say hi. But I don’t know how,
because I don’t want her to be like, “How do you just call me after 8 months of non-communicating and just say hi?” So what
should I do?
Should I call her or text her? Or should I forget about her? And if you are telling me to call, what should I tell her?
ANSWER: Know from the beginning that if she hasn’t been thinking of you, or if she has bad memories of you, she will not want to here
from you. Many ex’s do not want to hear from their ex. So watch out. Expect the worst. If something better than the worst comes out of
this, think of it as a blessing from the gods.
A call is all right, but it is better if you run into her by chance. If you know where she is, or where she frequents, you can happen by.
You can judge by her reaction to your presence whether she might be receptive to a phone call. If she looks disappointed, forget it. If she
lights up seeing you, follow up with a call. If she invites you somewhere, you’re in.
If you can’t arrange a chance meeting, make the call. Be aware though, you tread on a path full of detour and caution signs.
Wizard
November 7, 2007
Question: Okay, here it goes. My girlfriend and me are young. We’re 15, well I am, and she’s 14. But she’s so protective.
One day she turned around to me and said I wasn’t allowed to talk to my (girl) friends because I apparently flirt with them. She’s
moody almost every day with me, but sometimes she will do something sweet or loving to make up for it! I don’t know what to do. If I was to
dump her, I don’t know whether she could handle it. Please help, Wizard.
ANSWER: Welcome to the confusing world of girls. They often are moody, and they always do something sweet and loving to make up for
it! That’s built-in like a heavy-duty transmission! Guys can’t stand ′em one minute and they love ′em dearly the next
minute.
If you do dump her, she can handle it.
Wizard
November 5, 2007
Question: My girlfriend said I am girly and kind of annoying. She seems to always compare me to her ex-bf. No one ever calls me girly. Ever.
So should I dump her?
ANSWER: Believe it or not, those words are affectionate, not critical. If she was smiling when she said it, be assured she was simply
spoofing you. She likes you. You’re quite the opposite of girly and she knows it. She just wants to “get your goat.”
She’s “touching your buttons.”
Take it as a joke. Laugh with her and you will win big points. Tell her she forgot to shave her mustache, if you need a retort.
Wizard
November 1, 2007
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for the past 2 years, living together for 15 months. However, for the last couple of months, all I
can think about is whether or not I want to be with her any more.
She still makes me laugh more than anyone else. She is my best friend. We are very, very close and loving with each other. We are quite
different in that I like to take drugs on nights out about once a month and prefer big nights out whereas she prefers quiet nights out and
camping!
However, she really wants the relationship to develop further now and wants babies within 2 years (we're 28). I don’t want to do this
as I still want to travel.
We recently moved to Cancun for a year (she did this for me as she knew I really wanted to go). She has given up a career in New York which
she can’t get in Cancun and has been depressed and stressed out here. Thus we haven’t enjoyed it as much as we should. We've decided
to go back to New York, but the truth is, I don’t want to just yet. I feel like I’m being selfish, but she wants to go back to settle
down and start a family, something I don’t feel ready for yet. Being here has inspired me to see more of the world. She doesn’t have
this desire to travel like I do.
I recently went on a week away with friends and really enjoyed speaking to new girls and flirting. One in particular I’m still in
contact with and am chatting online. I’ve told her nothing can happen between us but I’m tempted to cheat.
I slept with a girl from my old office 3 times, twice when my current girlfriend and I were 6 weeks together, then again at 6 months. I felt
incredibly guilty which made me realize how much I love her. I avoided contact with the other girl and have been 100% faithful since then.
The fact I’m having the urges to cheat again and that I want to travel unlike my girlfriend is confusing me.
I still love my girlfriend. One day I feel like I want to propose, the next day I want to leave her, go traveling, and go on a frenzy of
drug-taking and screwing other women! If I finish with her I feel I’ll lose the only girl I’ve truly connected with. But if I stay I
won’t fulfill dreams to travel and may be tempted to stray. Help me, Wizard!
ANSWER: She’s ready for marriage, you aren’t. She is ready to commit to you and have children. You are ready for adventure,
risk-taking, sex with other girls, and a free lifestyle.
You recognize the greatness of the woman you have, and you fear that losing her might be a heavy loss, but your narrative is clear that
marriage is not a happy option for you.
In time your attitude about adventure will change. You will, one day, be ready to get married, taking it on as an adventure in its own
right. Until then, you need to be honest with the women you meet, including this one, and sincerely represent to them that you are a traveling
free spirit that no woman can tie down. And until then, you cannot cheat and fight off temptations at the expense of the woman you are with.
Before you break the unhappy news to your girlfriend, make sure you are honest with yourself. Reflect deeply. If you deceive yourself about
your need to travel and take risks, you will make a huge mistake. If you are not deceiving yourself, do not get married, because you will then
feel that you cheated yourself.
Wizard
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