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October 31, 2007
Question: I don’t know if you can help me in my situation. This is not really your thing, but maybe you can. Gah . . . I hate my life.
This girl I've been going out with for about 1 yr 3 1/2 months broke up with me a week ago. I really loved this girl. She was like no other, but
she broke up with me. She said "she needs her space" but yet she ALREADY likes this guy and is flirting with him already. The guy also
likes her. It makes me feel like shit since she already moved on. And every body is helping her through this even though she doesn’t need
help because she’s perfectly fine! I’m the one whose heart got crushed into a billion pieces. I have no one to talk to about this. I
hate seeing her with that other guy. It kills me inside and it’s not like I can avoid them, since their locker is across mine. And I always
get depressed thinking about her. What should I do?!?!
ANSWER: What you need is perspective. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, U.S. life tables for 2003, a guy’s
remaining life expectancy who was 15 years old in 2003 is 63.2 years. Assuming you were born around 1988, the statistic likelihood is that you
will live to 78.2 years of age.
In that time span, you will have childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood, and old age. A girlfriend will make an impact on your
life most likely during the adolescent and young adulthood periods. When you ultimately get married, and statistically you will, the woman you
marry will impact your life significantly during young adulthood, adulthood, and old age.
You have suffered a recent loss of a girlfriend, a girl who was like no other. That happens, statistically, to a majority of guys in their
adolescent years. By the time of young adulthood, some guys get married and some of them wise up. In young adulthood, that kind of loss (and all
the jealousy and sick feelings of loss) occur to a minority of guys in young adulthood. When they reach adulthood, the group of guys who suffer
in the way that you suffer now is low.
You will find another girl and you will hook on to her and be happy. The girl you just lost will dump the guy she is flirting with or be
dumped by him. Both of them will find another date, and probably many others, before they reach adulthood.
Does this help you? Think about this with the head, not the heart. Realize that your relationship with this girl is a small slice of your
life experience. It is truly foolish to allow your heart to control your head. Your heart was hurt – normal, real, and devastating. Your
head – is it on straight? – can see the reality that what happened is a small and inconsequential event.
You are young, full of emotions, and feeling hurt. Keep your perspective. Move on to find the next lovely young girl who
will, once again, be like no other. As impossible as this sounds, listen to the wily old wizard who speaks the truth, thousands of girls
within your reach, once you meet and date them, are like no other.
Wizard
October 31, 2007
Question: I have been with a girl for 10 months now and I am crazy about her just as she is about me. I used to have Maxim magazines and
even playboy before I was with her. When we met I still had some old Maxim's laying around in the bathroom. She knows that I have watched porn
before but I don't anymore. I also collect movies of all kinds and some show nudity, even if it’s just a little flash of boobs. Anyways,
what I am trying to get at is that she was fine with stuff right away, but then all of a sudden she started telling me that I am a porn freak
when I don't watch any porn since I have been with her. I had to sell every movie that had a boob in it and I got rid of the Maxim magazines, but
I was mad and kept one under the sink with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I actually forgot about it and never looked at it. Now she thinks I am
obsessed with her and gets mad if she sees her on tv and says that Maxim is porn and any girl taking pictures in their bra is porn and I’m
a porn freak if I look. She also says I stare.
ANSWER: The people who sell porn make money because other people like porn and will pay for it. You are not alone. However, much of what you
write about is not porn, as you already know. One can get addicted to it. Fortunately, you are not.
The worst of porn is the kind that dehumanizes women – but that is not the topic we need to address.
If your girlfriend satisfies your needs, you do not need to hide a Maxim magazine under the sink for any reason, even if you are mad. But
ridding the place of movies that contain brief nudity will wipe out a large portion of almost any movie collection.
Every guy stares, even if briefly and secretly. And every guy enjoys Jennifer Love Hewitt – that is why she is famous and successful.
Your girlfriend needs to cool out a little.
You and your girlfriend need to step back from the media hype (almost all of this comes from media) and look at yourselves. You are so lucky
to have each other. Suggestion: Agree with her that for one week you will not look at the television, movies, magazines, or anything else
associated with the media. You will look only at her. See what she says to that.
Wizard
October 28, 2007
Question: dear wizard, i have been dating this girl for two months now. we have only gone as far as making out. but i feel like i
don’t really have the same feelings as she does. i mean, she is crazy over me and she always says how she is so lucky to have me, but i
just don’t feel the same about her. she is a cool girl, but i just want to be friends. if i dumped her it would kill her cause she has a
problem trusting guys. but if i stay in the relationship i’m going to go nuts. please help.
ANSWER: The decision about whether to stay in the relationship is easy. It’s a no-brainer. Get out of it. No reason exists to justify
staying in a dating relationship when all you want is to be friends. If you accept that this decision is simple math, you do not need to think
about whether to do it – you need only think about how to do it.
Trust in a dating relationship grows over time as the couple gets closer and more deeply involved with each other. Two months into the
relationship, you have not grown close enough or become deeply involved enough to justify “trust” that you will not dump her.
The word “dump” is an unfortunate word. It implies a negative result, like sliding down the bed of a dump-truck. Though this
site uses that image at the top of every page, the wizard and everyone here do not take that image as a serious representation of what
“dumping” necessarily is. It can be, but need not be.
“Sever the relationship” is too severe. “Break-up” also implies a breaking or damaging of something. A more
realistic word is “disband.” Perhaps you can come up with some other words that are more descriptive of what really happens when one
or both dating partners lose interest and the end of the dating draws near.
If a woman trusts that guys will not disappoint her in dating, she is in bad need of more experience. She must thicken her skin quickly
before she gets hurt too many more times. Almost all dating relationships end with a dump (or are disbanded) because the intensity of the
feelings wanes. Simple as that.
Do not fret over her problem of not trusting guys. Your decision to move on will not kill her unless she is so psychologically messed up and
fragile that she might do herself in (which appears highly unlikely, or you would have spent a lot more time writing about how emotionally
damaged she is or will be). Tell her the truth, that you like her and want to be friends, but that you don't want to date romantically.
Wizard
October 22, 2007
Question: hey, this girl she likes me a lot and i don’t, and i can't see her upset or anything, and she doesn't have email or a mobile
phone. What should i do?
ANSWER: Do what any self-respecting guy must do – don’t rely on email or phone. Go tell her to her face that you don’t
want to date. Simple as that. You don’t need to go into a long explanation and you don’t need to say anything that gets her upset.
You must know in advance that if she gets upset, she’s irrational and will get over it later.
Think about it. You are helping her learn that she will be rejected by guys and she must accept that fact of life. When it happens, she must
move on and get it started with another guy. There’s nothing disrespectful or hurtful in saying “NO” to a girl who wants to
date. She must learn to deal with that or she’ll live in an emotional hell all day long for the rest of her life.
She’ll learn to deal with that thanks to guys like you who tell her, honestly and directly, “No.” You can be nice about it
and say, “No, thanks.”
Wizard
October 17, 2007
Question: Okay. I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 months and now things are changing. I feel I don't have enough time for her and
I’m too busy, but there is another MAJOR factor in this. There is someone else. My girlfriend is still in love with me, and I THINK I love
her, but this other girl whom I've been talking to for about 2 months loves me, and I’m starting to fall for her. The other girl is
extremely attractive compared to my current girl, and there are other factors that push me away now from my current girlfriend. One other factor
is that me and my girlfriend are in the same school, share the same friends, and have the same classes, so if we do break it off, I won't know
how to do it, or how to take the ensuing hate I will see from our friends. So here's the gist of my question. Should I dump her and go with the
other girl, breaking my girlfriend’s heart, or should I stay with mine and hope for the best? If I SHOULD dump her, how do I do it?
ANSWER: If friends hate you for breaking up, they aren’t friends. Everyone breaks up. If friendship hinged on staying with a date, the
world would be in an even bigger tailspin.
If any friends will have a good reason to hate you, it will be because of how you dumped her, not that you did dump her.
You’re falling for another girl. There’s nothing novel about that - it’s normal, so now you move on to her and dump the
girlfriend.
There are so many things to tell you about how to dump. With nothing specific given in your question, here are some general principles to
help you.
Don’t criticize her. Stay away from telling her what was wrong with her. Be as polite as you can and give her compliments where she
deserves them.
Don’t delay. The longer you allow her to think you still want to be with her, the deeper her roots grow into the relationship (unless
she is souring on the idea of dating you).
Be clear and unmistakable in telling her the romance in the relationship is over. Do not mislead her or give her subtle hints that you want
it to continue. Do not allow mixed signals. For example, do not say the relationship is over and tell her you’ll still take her to the
basketball game next week.
You can intend to stay friends, but don’t argue with her if she says she can’t stay friends. Let time do its work. She will
repair and move on, as will you. Friendship may still be possible, but don’t expect everything to be rosy right away.
If she clings to you and won’t take the message, you will become more firm about it. But reserve that kind of discussion for a time
when you need it, if at all. The best thing to do is to be respectful of her, admire her good qualities and be clear to her that you still enjoy
her company, but be equally clear that the romance is no longer there so she knows that dating is not an option that would be fair for either of
you.
Wizard
October 16, 2007
Question: Well, I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and I feel that she’s the love of my life and I
wouldn’t want anything else but her. But she gets mad at me when I talk to another girl. But when she talks to a guy I don’t want her
talking to and I get mad she totally gets mad at me and I have to apologize to her. Don’t get me wrong. I understand her, but the fact that
I can’t do this and she can, and her reason is because she’s a girl, I don’t know how much more I can take. I do everything for
her. I’m always there for her. I take her out to the movies, basketball games, fair, beach, dances, theme parks, and all. I pay for her.
She tells me I’m the greatest thing to happen to her and she never wants to leave me, but she’s dumped me before, and I pleaded her
back and she took me back. But now, I don’t know. I guess she’s mad at me because I’m a jealous boyfriend. But then, I’m
irritated because even though something is her fault I have to apologize. What should I do? I need help?
ANSWER: You have a two-year relationship and you still love her very much. This long a relationship should withstand a quibble over talk
with the opposite sex. Though you hint about weaknesses in the relationship by saying she dumped you before, if she feels you are the greatest
thing to happen to her and you feel she is the love of your life, no reason exists for you to let this thing fail.
That she is a girl and you are a guy does not change the reasonable expectation that each of you will have about the good faith love you
feel for each other. Jealousy is an irrational emotion between two people in love. If your love for each other is mutual, no conversation by
either of you with anyone from the opposite sex should interfere. Get away from pointing fingers and assigning blame. Look at how beautiful the
relationship is and can be, and be grateful that you have each other.
You know each other well enough to have a conversation about an agreement that if one of you is interested in someone else, you will tell
the other immediately. That way, if a conversation is witnessed that might make one jealous, the one who had the conversation can say,
“Hey, don’t worry. We have an agreement, and I haven’t told you I’m interested in anyone else. And I’m not.”
The jealousy disappears and no one gets worried or angry.
Wizard
October 12, 2007
Question: Hey, I’ve been with my girlfriend a year next month. All of my friends are single and I think that is what I am starting to
want again. I love my girlfriend but I still want the freedom of being able to do what I want to do. She has done nothing wrong and it is nothing
to do with her because I know she loves me more than anything and I always tell her the same. I am just really confused at the moment and
don’t know what I want because I want a single life but at the same time I don’t like the idea of seeing her with someone else. I
have come close to cheating a few times and I believe I will do it, so does that mean that I don’t love her and she isn’t the one?
Sometimes I think I could cope without her in my life but then I know I will miss her. I will also probably bump into her every week because of
the club we both go to. I think that will hurt me but I will never know if I never do it. I still find other women attractive and I know one day
I will end up cheating. Please help.
ANSWER: Ah, the worries of a single guy. Look at yourself for a moment. You are not married and you have a girlfriend you enjoy. Do you know
what that means? You’ve got everything any guy could ever want. Look at how you started your question. “All of my friends are single
and I think that is what I am starting to want again. I love my girlfriend but I still want the freedom of being able to do what I want to
do.”
You are single already. Stop worrying about the other guys. Some of them are jealous that you have a steady girlfriend. If everybody worried
about how good someone else has got it, we’d all be in a miserable mess.
Here’s a bet. When you cheat on your girlfriend, within a week you’ll be disgusted with the girl you cheated with and you'll be
looking for your girlfriend again.
Do not dump your girlfriend because you think you will cheat on her. If that is your attitude, you can’t be single and date anybody.
When you get sick of your girlfriend, or when she does something that causes you to want to dump her for something she has done, or when you do
cheat on her and realize that was great and your girlfriend is no match to the new girl, then dump her. Until then, look at the great qualities
of your girlfriend and be happy that she’s your girlfriend. Enjoy her, and by the way, don’t forget to do good things for her so she
enjoys you.
You said, “I still find other girls attractive.” Take this as good or bad news, but you will always find other girls
attractive. Any guy who says different is either gay or lying. Take this wizard’s wisdom as gospel, my friend:
1) The principal quandary of every healthy male in this world is this: He cannot have sex with every attractive girl in the world AND he
will always . . . always . . . always see other women who are so attractive he dreams about how great it would be. Even Jimmy Carter (our former
president) admitted to lust. We all do it.
2) The remedy for the quandary that every healthy male suffers is this: He reminds himself that what he cannot see can be ugly . . . ugly .
. . ugly AND (Whew!) how fortunate he is to have so lovely a woman as the one he holds hands with right now. Beautiful looks are only a part of
the package. The girl’s heart and mind are just as important. Never forget that. If you need a graphic example, do one viewing of the
movie, Fatal Attraction (starring Michael Douglas and a creepy Glenn Close), and cry foul.
It is a rare combination to find a girl that is pretty, loving, and a great companion all the time. If your relationship with your
girlfriend is now about a year old, she must be one great find. Enjoy each other and stop worrying and fussing about what everybody else is doing
and how many lovely girls there are to fantasize about.
Wizard
October 9, 2007
Question: All right, I really like this girl. I have a thing for her and she has a thing for me. We had sex after being together for a week.
I don't feel that it was the right thing to do now and I kind of regret it. I just don't know, it’s never been this complicated. I just
want to dump her without being a dick and still be friends if possible. I doubt that but ... any help?
ANSWER: If you intend to stay a friend, you intend to stay in a relationship with her. That means talking to her, maybe doing some things
with her, but not engaging in sex or doing romantic things. If that is your intent, you have to work with her (not against her) to wash out the
bad feelings and the hurt that every time will follow a dump done right after a love-fling with sex.
If you approach her as a guy on a dump mission, you’ll be acting against her. She will perceive it that way, and so will you, and the
likelihood of success for a friendly relationship is poor.
The better approach is to stay engaged with her but change the rules of engagement. The only way to do this cooperatively, and therefore
keep a relationship going, is to talk with her about what is happening. Go out with her again, but change the style of conversation. Lose the
“you’re the love of my life” theme and use the “hey, that was good, but let’s take a sober look at it” theme
to lower the emotional temperature and bring in the rational view of where you are as a couple. If it works (of course, nothing is known about
her, so we don’t know how she will react – but remember,
she did the same you did and is just as responsible), you can tell her that you wonder whether having sex was a sensible thing to do.
Don’t talk champagne and roses; talk water and potato spuds. If she dives in with you, you may indeed succeed in changing the relationship
from hot, heavy, and short-term, to cool, light, and long-term.
If you do not succeed, give it some time afterward. When she thinks about it, she might agree later. In any event, if this tactic fails, you
will have accomplished a large part of what a dump must do. You will have gracefully educated her about your second thoughts about the romance,
and that portends good things for you in reaching a cool, uneventful, and safe end to the romance. You will succeed in treating the situation
with calculated intelligence and good will. Thus, you will have dumped her without being a dick.
Wizard
“Now that’s an answer!” said a man from the audience.
October 7, 2007
Question: hey, there’s this girl in my school and i like her and all but i don’t think she’s right for me. but i still
like her a lot. but also my best friend dated her and i promised him i won’t ever date her again. so it is like a secret relationship. i
don’t know what to do. is it her or my best friend?
ANSWER: If you don’t think she is right for you, then you do as you promised. However, if he doesn’t date her any more, does
your promise still hold? It shouldn’t.
The best answer to this is, have fun. Live up to your commitments, but make them reasonable so you can’t be too tied down.
If you want to revive the relationship, tell your friend. He should be cool with that.
Wizard
October 2, 2007
Question: My girlfriend’s parents won’t let us do anything and it seems like it is pulling us apart. What should I do?
ANSWER: Your girlfriend can’t change her parents. Don’t put her in the unfair position of choosing between their rules and your
rules. You will do better to live within their rules, making the best of it, so you and she can continue to be together, and be patient knowing
that the rules should change as you get to know the parents better.
Wizard
October 2, 2007
Question: I do not completely understand the terms of use. If my girlfriend or anyone saw my post and called or wrote to you, would you give
out my email to her? Because then she would know it is me. Is it possible to find out what email, if they gave one, wrote something, via this:
You may write to Dagorg, Inc. at P.O. Box 194, Williamsburg, MA 01096. You may also call (Toll Free) at 1-866-447-5489 or 1-866-GIRLGUY. She
would certainly leave me if she found out that I wrote on this site.
Please tell me if people are able to get email addresses or not of who wrote something via contacting you. I posted something on _________,
which was not truly accurate because __________________________________. I beg you though to delete that post and respond to this message. Thank
you, and thank you for answering it. I never want anything to compromise us, that’s all.
ANSWER: Your girlfriend cannot and will never find out who you are. It is simply impossible, unless she knows from you or from someone you
know.
[From the site administration!]: No one here is allowed, not even the wizard, to give out an email address, nor any other information, about
any one who has written to this site. We publish only the question and nothing more. In fact, we edit the names of people and places, and
sometimes dates, to ensure the privacy of people who write. As a general rule, we are so protective of people who write that we completely and
uncompromisingly avoid communicating to those who write or call, unless it is a complaint and they specifically request a response. We
also avoid giving names, email addresses, or any other information to anyone for any purpose. No ads, spam, or solicitations of
any kind can come from anywhere with this site as a source because it is all kept strictly confidential.
It is true that one can write to the address and can call at the number contained in the Terms of Use. However, no one can get an answer to
any question about anyone who wrote a question or any one who ordered a certificate.
The only communication we do, unless some law or court requires disclosure, or unless we respond to a complaint, is the wizard’s
answer. [End of message from site administration].
Fear not. The date in your question here is removed so no one will know which narrative you refer to, and no one can tie this question to
any other. Hence your question is not removed, because no one can connect this question with any other. This wizard is informed that the
administration considers your question so valuable that it should be put here for all to see.
Wizard
October 1, 2007
Question: My girlfriend has moved out saying she doesn’t know if our current life is enough for her. She has done it once before about
a year ago but came back. I worry that if she wants to come back and I take her the same thing will happen again and I will go through this pain
again. Do I dump her?
ANSWER: Do not dump her if you love her enough to put up with the worry. If you can’t put up with the worry, dump her.
The worry is justified and you will only lose the worry if your relationship improves to a point where both of you feel fulfilled.
Otherwise, worry.
Wizard
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