|
October 27, 2008
Question: Hello. I have had a girlfriend for almost two years and she was wicked nice, but now she is way too controlling and is extremely unfair to me. I have not been so sad and depressed. What should I do?
ANSWER: Girlfriends should stay wicked nice. When things change, it is time to dump. Your sadness and depression will improve when you find another wicked nice girl.
Wiz
October 26, 2008
Question: I met a girl at a camp which I worked at during the summer. We seemed to hit it off at the beginning and throughout the summer did a lot of things together. For both of us, it is our first deep relationship. When I see a girl, I look at her family to see what type of lifestyle she grew up in. This girl's family was what I liked – especially since it is becoming more uncommon nowadays. She has many good qualities. In the summer we cuddled and kissed but that was it. Whenever I am around her I am romantically attracted to her, and she told me she loves me. But whenever I ask myself I cannot honestly say I love her. I myself don't even know why, which confuses me even more. I will be leaving next April for two years for religious, and letter-writing would be the form of communication. There are many things I like about her, but she doesn't seem to "apply" herself to try new things. And when things get hard she becomes frustrated easily. I am afraid that if I dump her, when I get back in two years, I won't have the confidence to go through a formal dating process, even though she'd probably wait. (Being at a camp, it was unique because it’s easier to find time together.) Growing up I've been really shy towards girls, and I want to get married after I get home, but I don't feel I have the social skills to do it. But I don't want to hurt her, either. HELP ME!! SHOULD I STILL DUMP HER?
ANSWER: No, no reason appears here to dump her. If she remains interested in you after two years of writing, good reason appears here to attempt to revive the kind of relationship you enjoyed at camp. Maybe a good friendship will come out of this, or maybe a good romance. Whatever happens, you enjoyed her company and should seek it out again when you return.
Love does not always happen like a strike of lightening. Sometimes it evolves over time in a relationship that begins quite unremarkably. Do not be discouraged by your concern about your inability to honestly say you love her. Many people would “say” they love somebody because they want to be in love, not because they are truly in love. You have been honest with yourself and probably honest with her. Continue in that direction, keep in touch with her, and if she is not distracted by someone else in the meantime, perhaps you can rekindle your relationship and maybe it will evolve into a love affair.
Social skills are learned, not inherited. You will develop skills and get better at just about everything you do just by doing it. When you are out, pay attention to the behaviours around you and you’ll get keyed in.
Wiz
October 25, 2008
Question: I've been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. She is 29, I'm 25. I met her when I moved to where I live, dated for 2 months, and we moved in. I know it was probably too quick.
We are a really great couple for the most part, but we've had some very nasty fights. We've been talking and improving and the fights happen much less, but now and then, she throws an attitude at me that I just cannot stand, and it's for reasons that I don't believe are good enough to get so upset. She sometimes gets mad at something that in my opinion is just a part of who I am.
Another thing is that when we are alone, I will feel CERTAIN that I want to end it. There are various things. I'm not crazy: She's slow when it comes to figuring something out, so I'm always taking time to explain something that, to me, is very simple, and it can get frustrating. There are other things too, but the point is there are things I know I wouldn't want if I were looking for another girl.
And that's the other point. I've seen two random girls in public who have COMPLETELY different personalities than my girlfriend, and I found myself craving to be with them.
My problem lies in that we live together, and as soon as I see her sad face when I say I want to split, I feel like I shouldn't, like I'm passing on a good thing. She has promised that she will try a new method to get over her problem of anger, but we've had 3 or 4 breakups in the past where she's said the same thing. Am I just too soft to let her go? I feel like right now I should just give it one more try, but then what if it turns out she really isn't the kind of girl I want? I feel like I'll either get trapped, or it'll be even WORSE if I break up later. Is it worth losing the right one because at the time, you needed to find out for yourself what is right for you?
ANSWER: If it turns out she isn’t the kind of girl you want, you will remain disappointed during the rest of your married life. Sometimes, and more often than people will admit, the girl they date turns out to be a little less than the person they thought they had. Then, when they look around at other girls, they feel they fooled themselves into marriage, thinking the other girls are so much better.
Many of these people (there are exceptions) are actually deceiving themselves now, and were not fooled at all. Here is the explanation. After a guy commits to the long-term with someone, as in marriage, he learns more and more about that person. He might also discover over time that she has changed. He then doubts his selection and looks around at other women, imagining what it would be like with them. The truth is that this woman, down to her core, is the woman he selected because she had beautiful qualities that attracted him to her. Those qualities are likely, in large part, to be still intact. What he sees in other women is imaginary – not real – and the other women are likely to be missing some of the qualities that initially attracted him to the woman he now doubts.
Establish the qualities that in your mind are important. One way to do that is to think of what qualities will matter to you as you grow older. If you want children, will she be the kind of mother you want for your children? When you’re on the porch in a rocking chair watching the setting sun of your life, will she be a good companion for you when she rocks in the chair next to you? Is there a comfort level between you that cannot exist with other women? Does she understand and appreciate your foibles, or will she hold them against you once she has you hooked in marriage?
These are examples only. You may have different questions to ask yourself. If the problems you elicited in your question are worrisome for you, for the long term, you should seriously think of ending the relationship. You have two years into it and time keeps ticking. If this relationship is a dead end, get to it so you can find a different, better road to travel.
From the text of your letter, you appear exasperated with her personality. If that is true, note that her personality is not likely to change. Your exasperation will fester and you will fall into a desperate disappointment, longing for other relationships that cannot happen, unless you dump her.
Wiz
October 18, 2008
Question: Hi, I’ve been going out with this girl for about 7 months. She’s way too clingy. I want to be able to talk to other girls. She always looks through my phone and she always cries. She doesn’t let me drink or let me have a fag when I want to. I want to finish it with her, but she has said she nearly committed suicide when I went on holiday and I’m scared she might. Do you think she is just saying it so I stay with her? Thanks.
ANSWER: Probably, though no one can be sure, not even you. Even so, you can’t regulate your life by the suicidal whims of other people. Surely you don’t want to throw her into a tailspin that is fatal. At the same time, you are not responsible for her psychological well-being, and you cannot stay in a relationship with her for the sole purpose of keeping her from following through with such a selfish threat.
One can say that you are selfish if you ignore her problem and dump her, and further say that you are closer to her than most and should do something to help her, not destroy her. The answer is that dating is a selfish endeavour. We all date for selfish reasons and we all seek a mutual selfish satisfaction. In other words, both people dating each other get rewarded selfishly. If one of the parties is unhappy, it is not a proper dating arrangement. Nothing legal or moral requires the unhappy one to keep dating.
You can help her by attempting to be tender in the methods you use to dump her, but your obligation is not more than that.
Wiz
October 9, 2008
Question: I just had my first girlfriend move to Nevada and I live in Utah. When she left she was very committed to me and then out of nowhere she starts acting rude to me and then goes as far as ignoring me. Then, about a month later, she goes to two of her best friends in Utah to dump me for her. So, yeah, I was pretty hurt and still am.
I have not healed AT ALL, but this is what’s really tough. I knew I was not ready to get another girlfriend yet because I was still hurt, but one of her friends wanted to go out with me and I accepted because I thought that she would kind of replace the other girl and help me forget about her. Well, unfortunately, that didn't work. She’s just nothing near as good as my ex was both physically and emotionally.
The other day she got a haircut and you couldn't tell any difference AT ALL. I mean, if she didn't tell me about it I would never have even guessed that she got one. Well, she hated it soo much that she started flipping out and crying and dropping the f-bomb and saying how she was going to give the lady who cut her hair chemotherapy to make her hair fall out!!! I know. I think she’s psycho!
So she pretty much blew it then and now I really want to just be her friend because I really don't think she’s the one. I just don't know how to dump her because I'm afraid if I do then she'll start acting like suicidal, because she sounds like someone who would. Any advice?
ANSWER: She won’t go suicidal, even if she might go psycho. Suicide is not likely if she is vain enough to be unhappy about a haircut you couldn’t notice. Vain people tend not to want to kill themselves; they like themselves too much.
Your first girlfriend was a wimp to dump you that way. You should be glad she’s gone because she could not have respected you much. She treated you like one who would treat someone who would go psycho!
Which brings us to your current situation with the new psycho girlfriend. Tell her exactly what you put into your question: “I like you as a friend. Hey, let’s stay friends and all – but let’s not date any more. I really don’t want to date with you but I really do want to stay friends. Okay?” You haven’t dated her long enough for you to stress over the careful wording of a formal dump. Keep it quick and simple. She might go ballistic, but more likely after you are gone and she’s with one of her friends.
Wiz
| 
