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September 30, 2007
Question: My girlfriend gets pissed off if i hang out with some people who do some bad stuff and never wants to hang out or talk to me.
ANSWER: She doesn’t like the people you hang out with, which may explain why she won’t hang out with you. Who your friends are
says a lot about who you are. If she doesn’t like your friends, it might not be a good match.
If the two of you fell in love, friends shouldn’t matter. But it does not appear that you both fell in love.
Wizard
September 30, 2007
Question: all right, so here’s my situation. i’ve been going out with this girl from the town next to me for about two months. i
want to dump her but i don’t know how. she says she loves me and i’ve said it back, even though i don’t. it just seemed like
the right thing to say to her.
but here’s the big problem. after her last boyfriend broke up with her she cut herself. i don’t know if she still would because
this was a few years ago. i just feel bad ending it with her. she hasn’t really done anything wrong. we haven’t even gotten in a
fight after two months. i’m just sick of her clinginess. i used to be a pretty big *******, but for some reason i cant just dump this girl
because i feel bad if i do. i know it’s not because i still like her though. what do i do? do i break up with her? how do i do it?
ANSWER: You are about to dump someone who is emotionally fragile. You don’t want to prolong the relationship because that allows her
to get deeper into the it. That will only make her get hurt worse. You want to be sure she gets the message so it ends, but you don’t want
her to get hurt any more than necessary, and even that much hurt might be a problem with her emotional condition (whatever that is).
Ordinarily, a swift and sure dump is the best measure. It puts an end to the relationship and eliminates confusion, and therefore reduces
the hurt. This way is not easy but it is quick – it gets results and avoids huge troubles later. In your situation, the quick dump might
cause trouble you don’t want, but you do want a dump because you can’t continue in the relationship.
In this rare instance, try slowing it down gradually without giving conflicting messages. Do everything she is used to having you do less
frequently. For example, if you are used to seeing her three days a week, cut it to two for a while, then to one. If you are used to calling her
(or being available to answer her calls) four days a week, cut it to three, then to two. Send text messages, if you are used to doing it, but
reduce the times. Reduce the length of the calls or messages. Reduce the time spent on dates and other times together.
At the same time, DO NOT say you love her. These words carry meaning that supports emotional commitment and that sets up a catastrophe when
the date finds out they are untrue. You don’t hate her, so don’t say that either.
She will notice the slow-down in the relationship. She will begin to express concern. When that happens, do not misrepresent how you feel.
Tell her you need to slow down because you don’t feel as deeply about her as you once did. If she asks you directly, “Do you love
me,” tell her you don’t like you did. Quickly build her up by telling her that she has done nothing wrong, that you respect her, that
she has great qualities that you admire, that you “like her a lot,” but that you feel less romantic than you did before.
This should get you into an exchange of words, thoughts, and feelings that will permit you to ease out of the relationship. When she
realizes it is over, she may very well suggest that it not go on, recognizing that she is committing more to the relationship than it is
worth.
Play it by ear, as they say, but hold true to two principles: Do not lie about how you feel and do not pretend that you want to continue a
romantic relationship. By the way, also keep it positive. Avoid complaining about any behaviors or things she has done. If you have reason to
complain or say something negative, and you avoid it as recommended here, you are not lying. To tell the truth, you do not need to tell
all the truth. Keeping it positive is telling the truth on positive things only, and avoiding talk about the negatives.
With all of that you will have done all you can do. You cannot control her emotions or her self-mutilating tendencies, if she still has
them. You can only take on the task (sometimes impossible) of letting her down easy in the best way you know how.
Wizard
September 23, 2007
Question: Hey, Mr. Wizard. I’m addicted to your site as it always gives me all the right information. Sadly, I have a problem.
I’m dating this really annoying bimbo who gets me [edited} angry. She flirts with everyone. I need your help. I’m trying to get her
to dump me. How do I do it? She is so [edited out] annoying I need to get rid of her! Help me as soon as possible!
ANSWER: The only healthy addiction is an addiction to this site!
If you want the relationship to end, why work so hard to get dumped? You should do the dump. If you wait for her, you could wait a long
time. You want to get rid of her right now, so do it!
Wizard
September 23, 2007
Question: Hey, Wizard, I need your advice. I've been dating this hot *** girl for a while now but I have a problem with the flow of my
testosterone. This is resulting in relationship problems and embarrassing situations as my *** *** ***** ***** *** ***. I think this may be the
end of our relationship. How do i get one more root out of her???? Plz help me, Wizard.
ANSWER: The best advice for a sex-crazed fiend seeking one more score comes from his willing girlfriend.
Wizard
September 23, 2007
Question: Am going out with a girl that lives 30 minutes out of town, and I never get to see her. All her friends and mine will hate me, or
get a hitman after me. What do I do?
ANSWER: If you want to dump her, you dump her. Your friends and her friends all know that relationships have a beginning and an end. Just do
it in as friendly a way as possible. Your decision will be respected because your reasons are good ones.
Wizard
September 21, 2007
Question: Ok, thanks for the reply, really appreciate it. Ok, there is a twist now in my story. She (the one firstly who wanted to break up)
is with me again and she says that she will leave her family and relations for me and all the nice goody things because she cant live without me,
etc., like she suddenly got her cool back. My mistake, I gave her a goodbye card and then she just flipped. How come she changed ?? Moreover, she
wants to have you know what with me now as we have done everything except that . . . I have no clue to what she is trying with me. She said she
drank different medicines as she was missing me, tried to, I don’t know, do what to herself. A suicidal case I would say. She said she will
die if I leave her, she would kill her self, etc. Is that possible? What should I do? If you can plz give me an entry strategy and an exit
strategy . . . .
ANSWER: Was it a mistake? She appears to be unstable and a liability to herself. She’s in need of help – the kind of help you
can’t give her, nor the wizard. Understanding why one changes her mind is almost impossible when she is unstable and in some kind of
crisis.
If you want to be of help to her, the best you can do is tell her that you are her friend and that you will help her find the kind of help
she needs. If you do this, however, be very sure you mean it. You must not let her down and you must stay by her to help in the long term. If you
are not prepared for that, then you will perhaps help her, but without making any commitments on which she might reasonably rely. Nonetheless, if
you want to leave her, your goodbye card is enough. Just don’t change what you did except, if you decide to do so, help her as a friend.
Either way, this is an exit strategy, and either way, you can’t be sure she’ll make it and be okay. (You don’t need an
entry strategy – you’re already there.)
Wizard
September 20, 2007
Question: ok, so i know a girl for like 2 months. started off from the net and then i got her number. then the I LOVE u scene came up and
then we met twice. ok, the problem is that i was always kind to her, did everything to make her comfortable, but the core issue was that she was
of a different community and i was of a different community. hence, we couldn’t marry each other in the future because of the community
issues. anyways, she was still ready to get hooked up with me. Well, she was always complaining that she was not that good and something bad
would happen to our relationship, and was also complaining that a guy who was her friend was giving her a hard time and loved her. so she was
mostly emotional and said that she hated everyone, didn’t love me and all, but then said she loved me afterwards. i always tried to make
her feel good and succeed mostly. Ok, the twist came after our second meeting. we had a great time on our second meeting but then she sort of
lost interest. even before we met she was like . . . (missing text).
ANSWER: She’s got a lot of issues going on in her head. You were cool enough with her and gave her time and attention. Too bad she
couldn’t get it together. Don’t get bothered over this one.
Wizard
September 19, 2007
Question: me and my girl been together for like a month and a half and i tried dumping her once but she wouldn’t let me go. then i
found out she was talking to another guy and stuff. soo i finally dumped her for good. but now she keeps coming back and wanting me to go back to
her. how do i politely end it for good.
ANSWER: Tell her politely that you wanted, and still want, to end it for good. If she doesn’t get the message, stay consistent and
insistent. She will get it eventually. (You can order a friendly certificate for good measure, but only if you want to.)
Wizard
September 14, 2007
Question: Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 19 months now. She’s always complaining I don’t spend much time with
her. I basically see her 3 to 4 times a week. The reason being is that I work 5 days a week and I look after my disabled mother and younger
sister. So whatever time I have I always give it to her. She wants me to move in with her, but I can’t with my situation. She could move in
with me but she has 12 and 8 year olds, both boys. I don’t want to dump anyone. Why can’t she understand my position? She’s
basically making me choose between her and my family. What shall I do?
ANSWER: How long will you need to care for your disabled mother and younger sister? If it is a long-term burden, your girlfriend is not
likely to tolerate it. If it is a short-term burden, she might tolerate it because she likes you enough to want more of you.
A girl wants a relationship to last, and she doesn’t want to be second fiddle to family, sports, alcohol or drugs, pets, a career,
friends, old girlfriends, . . . anything. She wants to be your first concern. She’ll take a lower position on the totem pole of importance
only for her children.
She’s not crazy. It is a natural and justified sense of need and importance. You will need to find a way, if you want her to stay
committed to you, to satisfy that need. Your care for your disabled mother and younger sister sounds heroic and deserving of accolades, but you
must find a way to satisfy your girlfriend’s soul or lose her.
This does not mean you must choose between your girlfriend and your family. It means you must convince your girlfriend that she is first,
that your family comes second, even if you must keep caring for them. This is probably difficult. When you are with your girlfriend, give her the
best experience you can. Demonstrate your love for her. Don’t wait for her to give you prompts. Be generous with your love. But remain firm
in the your commitment to your family. If she loves you sufficiently, she’ll know that you come with family, not without them, and
adjustments will need to be made.
Wizard
September 8, 2007
Question: I have been dating my girlfriend for nearly two years, and we are both starting university this year. We have been fighting all
the time recently, and she has been caught lying to me and doing things that she has promised not to do. I don't know if I love her anymore. She
is my first girlfriend and I am not sure what to do.
ANSWER: Your relationship is teetering on the brink because you are fighting, you have some angst about her lying to you and doing things
she said she would not do, and your love for her is in doubt. All of this adds up to one of you dumping the other or a mutual agreement to break
up. If you want to save it, you will need to talk to her about your desire to keep it going, and you will need to be convincing about your
sincerity. If you can’t do that, be ready for the end of this relationship. If you do keep it together, you both will want to resolve the
issues that under-pin your most recent problems.
Wizard
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