The Wiz's Wizdom

June 1, 2010

Question: I have cheated on my girlfriend four times since we began dating eight months ago. I stopped as the guilt built and I realized that I loved this person and wanted to be faithful. However recently I decided we needed to take a break. The reason for the break is that she is a very emotional person and it became a burden to manage her problems as I am a pretty low-key person. Nevertheless, I love her and feel like she is a wonderful companion. My primary complaints are that I am more attracted to other women and she is too emotional. Should I give her another shot?

ANSWER: Let’s look at the primary complaints. Most guys are more attracted to other women when they let eyes wander for the simple reason that your girl, however nice she looks, cannot always be the nicest looking girl in a crowd. The fact is, like there is always someone smarter, there is always someone better looking. Then again, beauty is often in the eye of the beholder, which means where you see beauty, maybe others don’t. And that is okay, because only your opinion matters.

We all must recognize that physical beauty is not the only criterion in a good relationship. In fact, it is not even in the top three. Compatibility of personalities is number one. Number two is trustworthiness. Number three is that she loves you. Number four is good looks.

How does one measure physical beauty, and how much beauty, or what kind of beauty, is required? It all depends on you. No one can know how you measure beauty as much as you. There is no small number of guys who are at this moment dating a girl who most of the world would not classify as a beauty, but in their eyes she is, in fact very much so, a beauty. It is all about what you see in her, and nobody else.

If she is too emotional, that may require some definition to determine how important it is. If, by “emotional,” you mean that her personality is incompatible with yours, it is not a component that is easily changed or fixed. She is what she is, and this portends badly for the relationship. If you mean her problems are too big, or you think she is too emotional about certain things and not in general, you may in time and with effort be able to overcome these issues, if you and she feel strongly enough about keeping the relationship alive. This would require a joint effort and probably a better understanding of each other that could come only after well more than eight months.

For both of these primary complaints, and to decide whether to give her another chance, you will need to look into yourself deeper to determine what it is that causes you to be attracted to other women. If it is momentary attraction based on good looks, that is normal. If occasional, deeper attractions cause you to take action (e.g., the four times you cheated), some of the problem might be with you and your ability to stay attracted to and attached to a woman. If your sense that she is too emotional is caused by an inability to appreciate her needs or wants, you might be insensitive or downright boneheaded. In these cases, you may be the one who needs more reflection, and dumping her may cause you to lose someone you actually do love and enjoy more than you realize.

Or, indeed, you may have hit it clean on the noggin and she is too emotional and your attraction to other women is caused by her inadequacies, not yours.

Only you can know. Perhaps this answer will help you think about it clearly.

Wiz

April 25, 2010

Question: I dated a girl for a bit over a year. We really are attracted to one another and have a great time together when things are well. She had just gotten out of a three year relationship when we started dating and broke up with me for about a month. She would hang out with her ex pretty frequently and I would just try to pretend I was cool with it since they had the same close mutual friends. Things got great. She stopped talking to him but then called me from the bathroom of some Christmas party he was at. I never did anything remotely close to that with her.

A week later she went to study in Ohio for a few months. She got pissed at me for only coming out once because I was having a hard time with family stuff and money. When she got back I explained that on top of that my Mom also may be sick and is getting tested for cancer. She gives me crap for not coming over the night before and doesn’t wait for me to go out the next night when I was going to be on time but she left early. (basically because I didn't have my car at the time).

She has been amazing at times too. I did dump her. We still talk. I really loved her, but she was also a huge bitch at times.

She apologized profusely at 4 a.m. the night I dumped her, but to me it just made it clear that she knew what she was doing and just had total disregard. She now tries to be mean to me which I sort of shrug off or throw back at her.

I know this all sounds like a no brainer but I can't help but hope sometimes.

ANSWER: It is wise to know, when you dump a girl, that you want to end the relationship for good. If you are unsure when you dump her, you will toil with a burden of wondering whether you did the right thing, and you may harbour a hope of returning to the romance that you once had with her. She, in the meantime, may feel hurt, but will be less likely to go back to you because she won’t want to repeat the same experience.

Sometimes a girl will go back, but usually only because she is insecure and going back to you, after you dumped her, is the best she thinks she can do. If that happens, you are dating an insecure girl who accepts you as her only choice. She takes you on as a known quantity. She knows what she is getting and hence can deal with it, even if you are not her ideal. In other words, you become a compromise. In the meantime, you have gotten yourself back into the relationship you ended, and times will inevitably occur when you will remind yourself, or be reminded, of the many reasons you dumper her. Then, instead of dumping her, fearful for her good health you will compromise and keep her. Before you know it, you both seem fatefully bound together – two souls lost in an unkind world who at least know each other enough to tolerate the rough times.

This is not a romance.

Wiz

April 15, 2010

The Wiz apologizes for the length of time that no questions have been answered. See News and Commentary for explanation.

April 11, 2010

Question: My girlfriend thinks we need to be around more people and I think we should stay in my room. wtf do I do???

ANSWER: Your girlfriend wants to share friends and share social experiences with you. You should feel honored. A hermit does not socialize well, and girlfriends for hermits are non-existent by definition. Don’t be a hermit.

Get out of your room, with her, and have some fun. Friends will go without you and may not always be there to return to. Your room is always there; it doesn’t go anywhere.

Staying in your room is a way to be a true stick-in-the-mud. If you are going to shut yourself out of a social life, don’t expect your girlfriend to stay with you.

Wiz

April 8, 2010

Question: Me and my girl went through a rough patch a few months ago. Now she is very cold – won’t talk and doesn’t kiss me but says she loves me. Should I hang in there or give up?

ANSWER: If she won’t talk and doesn’t kiss you, but says she loves you, she is communicating poorly with hugely mixed messages. The rough patch may have been a briar patch and she’s still bleeding from the thorns. Often, when the messages are mixed like this, the girl is mad at you for something you’ve done, or something about you irritates her, and she may well be thinking of dumping you, but at the same time she recognizes your good points and loves you (not romantically, but motherly) for them.

It is important to figure out what caused the “rough patch” and make sure it is removed. She must want to be with you – that means talk to you and kiss – or the whole thing gets to be a waste of time for both of you.

Wiz

March 28, 2010

Question: My girlfriend has always been very quiet but lately she’s been very quiet and I'm paranoid that she is going off me. I feel nervous in bed with her and am scared to try and kiss her or touch her as she doesn't respond with as much passion or 'love' as she has done in the past. I'm starting to worry and I'm starting to lose my confidence. I've tried talking to her but she just gets annoyed at me for trying to talk to her. How can I speak to her without her getting annoyed to find out whether I should dump her or whether I should stay with her?

ANSWER: Essential to any good relationship is a good communication. That includes not just conversation, but comfortable closeness and touching. If you cannot confidently approach her physically, serious rifts have occurred in your relationship. You must determine what the rifts are and correct them. This process requires a shared desire to put the relationship back together. If she does not share that desire, you efforts will be futile.

Talk to her about putting your relationship back together. One way to approach this is to honestly tell her that you sense that she does not respond with the same passion she once had. This should open the door to meaningful discussion about what is wrong. If she is interested in putting the relationship back together, she will talk about it. If she gets angry, that is okay if she explains what bothers her. If she doesn’t want to talk, or talks about unrelated things, she is not interested any more.

Wiz

March 22, 2010

Question: My girlfriend and I broke up 5 months ago after 2 years together. We still love each other but she said she needed some time apart. She has given me numerous hints that she is wanting to get back with me again but still says she needs more time as she is hurt by a few things I've done and said to her in the past. I'm depressed and not sleeping/eating and wondering if I should give her a final ultimatum, and if so how to give it/what to say? My friends say she is stringing me along but I know that we have a special bond deep down and don't want to give up on her even though I'm getting more and more hurt. I turned my phone off all weekend and it turns out she had been ringing me and got worried thinking I had changed numbers after I told her I was close to giving up last week. She then rang me up last night crying and slightly drunk from a bar she was at with friends and asked me to join her which I did. We ended up having sex last night but I am still worried about what to do/say to her as I doubt what happened last night is going to change things drastically in the sort term.

ANSWER: The fact that she called you and spent the night with you suggests she does indeed have a special bond with you, one that is not so slight that it can be whooshed away by spending some time apart for a while.

Do not give her an ultimatum. If she is worth it, and she probably is, try to be flexible and respect her wishes. Give her a reasonable amount of time. If, when she gets back to you, she informs you that the relationship is over, something critical was bothering her, and an ultimatum would be useless anyway. If she tries to revive the relationship, you will have been pleased that you waited.

If she gets back to you to discuss some issue that bothers her, work hard at perceiving the problem from her perspective, even if you disagree with it. A good listener can solve problems sometimes by simply understanding the other person’s needs and wishes, and then knowing how to respond in a meaningful way.

Wiz

March 19, 2010

Question: I have a super clingy, insecure, and immature girlfriend. The problem is she’s super hot and when I tried to dump her before she snuck her way back into a relationship again!

ANSWER: With someone else? or you? Enjoy her and give her some slack. All three of the qualities you list – clingy, insecure, and immature – will go away over time as she gets older.

Wiz

March 4, 2010

Question: My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago asking for a "break" and we have had no contact. She now suddenly seems keen and says she loves me, but I found out that she lost her job, has no money to pay for rent, and needs money to pay for her visa to stay in the country, etc.

I know that she would never ask me for the money to help her, but I'm paranoid she is suddenly going to try and string me along in the hope that I'll help her out because she knows I earn a lot and am madly in love with her.

Do you have any advice?

ANSWER: If you are madly in love with her, you will want to help her. Of course you don’t want to help and get burned. If you are comfortable making decisions out of love, then you know what to do. If, however, you know your love is futile, you are not comfortable and will make the choice to suffer the loss and move on.

So, it all comes down to this: Is your love for her so deep that you will help her regardless of whether she loves you? That is what you must decide.

Wiz

February 25, 2010

Question: I FOUND THIS GIRL SHE'S NICE AND EVERYTHING, BUT SHE PLAYED ME LIKE A FOOL. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH HER?

ANSWER: If she wanted your affection, she wouldn’t do that to you. Stop paying her any attention and find someone else, someone more genuinely interested in you.

Wiz

February 20, 2010

Question: I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and everything was going good until I read her diary listing 45 men she's slept with (she's 27) which made me verbally abusive to her whenever I had a drink (that started about 8 months ago) and I always regretted being horrible to her the next day. She forgave me every time until about 2 months ago when she found out that I'd been writing sexually explicit emails to girls on Facebook. I moved out but we continued to see each other even though things were not right since I got caught and she said we needed a break and space. I eventually gave her a break starting four weeks ago and had a lot of time to think about the bad things I've done and have since apologized and explained how much I love her.

I saw her a week ago on Valentines Day and she said she loves me and misses me but wouldn't kiss me. Saw her again the other night and she thinks we’re still a bit cold and she says that I've only given her two weeks space and she needs more.

I'm worried that she's out sleeping with men, and although I know I have to get on with my own life, she seems to be having fun with her friends, which is making it difficult for me to stop from texting her and wanting to see her all the time.

Should I let her completely go and maybe delete her number from my phone and just hope that she comes back?

ANSWER: You still love her and want the relationship to continue. This is true despite the discovery of her diary and her sexual history. It seems you have gotten over the initial anger or surprise that originally caused you a problem. She says she loves you and misses you, but would not kiss you and wants more space. It seems she has not gotten over her anger or surprise resulting from the discovery of your messages on Facebook.

One can only guess from the text of your question, but one might hazard a guess that her forays with other guys occurred before your relationship while your sexually explicit emails occurred during your relationship. If true, this would explain her hesitancy to return to you.

It may also explain a good part of her reasoning through a period of disappointment, and that disappointment may run too deep for her to forgive and let live.

Your best bet is to allow her the additional time and space she wants, while periodically (not every day – maybe once a week) sending her nice and completely non-sex related messages that remind her of your existence and interest in her – but suggesting a softer, lovey side of you, opposed to and different from the aggressive, lusting guy you may have appeared to her to be. Examples would include “Thinking of you,” “Remembering our first date,” “Miss you,” and “Hoping all is well with you.”

These messages can be sent by card – ordinary mail – and the cards should contain pictures of flowers, or landscapes, or other non-sexual but romantic images with your handwritten message. If she responds favorably, keep your communications simple and pleasant. Don’t act or look too eager. Go slow with it.

During any date with her in the future you must get across to her that you value her attention. She must feel that you are grateful. She must shed suspicion that you are lustful of her affection because of what you discovered in her diary.

Wiz

February 16, 2010

Question: Should I dump my girlfriend? She moved into my house six months ago and has put on 2 stone and is always in a bad mood and is lazy.

ANSWER: “Well, well, well” says John Lennon. At that rate, another six months is fifty-six pounds. Do it soon. If she stays lazy, she might not be able to get up to get out.

The Wiz does not mean to demean. The concern is not one’s size. The concern is the pace of getting heavier and doing nothing about it.

Wiz

February 15, 2010

Question: Earlier this month a very good friend of mine died. It made me realize that life is too short and that I need to get my life in order. I have been dating a girl for almost 2 years. I do care for her a lot, but I am unsure as to what that means exactly. I have talked to a few people about it and have gotten no real clear answer about it. I had been thinking about it before my friends death, but as I said his death has made me think a lot. We had broken up in the past. She took it very personal and I fear that she would take it that way again. I do care about her and I would still like to be friends. Please bestow some of your wisdom upon me O great Wiz.

ANSWER: The death of a friend is a reminder for those of us who tend to forget that life ends often before we think it is time. We have only speculation about what happens after death. Faith in your religion, or belief in what others have told you, none of whom can really say because they have not died, are matters of hope. At best, we can look at what happens after death only with uncertainty.

This uncertainty creates an anguishing focus on our current circumstances because we feel that life is valuable and we may not have enough of it. We are, after all, young only so long as we are young. Then we grow into a kind of (there are various kinds!) wise, experienced social being, confident in many things, but all the time growing older, approaching the uneasy feelings of joint pain, short term memory loss, shortness of breath, and all of this with wrinkles, age spots, and gray hair – if you have any left!

Shutter the thought of a decrepit demise.

In the meantime, for one with good health and an acute awareness of current existence, life must be fulfilled. The soul who understands life in all its greatness knows it is a gift, a wonder, and a pleasure to behold.

You want to preserve friendship if you let her go. That is a nice thing to do if it is possible. It will depend more upon her than upon you. If she wants to end the relationship too, she is likely to share your desire to make the break-up friendly. If she is surprised and disappointed, she will feel less willing to be chummy. If she believes that she was misled into the relationship, or that you took advantage of her for your own needs, she will feel angry and possibly disgusted.

If you decide to end the relationship, remember that you may not be able to control whether she takes it as a personal affront and gets bothered. Some people act that way when they feel hurt even when they will understand in a cooler moment that it was they who caused the break-up or the reasons for the break-up are rational and appropriate.

So, the best you can do is approach her with kindness, patience, and calm reflection. If she reacts badly, do not answer back with recrimination. Instead, be firm, keep your kindness intact, and softly let her go. You may feel sad that she reacts that way, but you will feel proud that you did what you did with class.

Finally, it is unclear in your question whether you have made the final decision to end the relationship. If you are not sure, your decision should be made after you have given her ample opportunity to resolve the ambiguous feelings she is experiencing. Perhaps she is interested in keeping the relationship alive and will want to work with you to keep it interesting and successful. You care for her a lot. Even if you do not feel that it was love, you have been together for two years, and that means something. You must know her well enough to discuss these issues in some depth – enough so, if a chance remains, to put some new spark into the relationship. Try that before you cut the reins.

Wiz

February 13, 2010

Question: I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. However, over the last couple of weeks, she wanted to slow things down as she said I didn't care about her enough. I went with it and decided to give her more attention as she complained I was too cold to her. However, me being warm hasn't changed her. Certain days she just won't answer calls or text messages, which is a little shady even though she claims to only be seeing me. We still hang out and it's cool for the most part, but it's not the same. I don't want her to hook up with other guys as she always uses that against me when I say we shouldn't talk anymore. Should I let this one go or keep her around?

ANSWER: She said she wanted to slow things down and pinned the blame on you saying you don’t care for her enough. If she had said she wanted you to rev it up and show her more attention, it would be clear that she wanted you. The Wiz thinks she revealed her true intention, which was to slow it down, and blaming you was a convenient way to shift responsibility to you for the break up.

Let this one go.

Wiz

February 9, 2010

Question: Hey wiz, I need some help. I really love this girl and she's beautiful. We've been dating for about a year. We live together and have a few classes together, so a break up would be hard. It is just that we used to have so much fun together and now she's always depressed about something. I'm constantly buying her things, taking her to dinner, making her breakfast, just to keep her happy, but it seems like she never wants to make me happy. Our sex life went from about four times a day to maybe once a week. And she hardly even kisses me or shows any affection. I tell her how I feel and we may need a break, then she's real good and lovey for about a few hours, then it’s back to bitterness and depression. I really don't ask for much, but I would like my girlfriend to show me that I'm the man she wants to be with. She's also lazy. I have to do everything. I lift weights daily and am always trying to get her to come. I figured being active may make her happier in the long run, but she never does come, and if she does she will complain for hours. I don't want to leave her, but don't know if things will ever get better and this is my whole life I'm talking about? Thanks.

ANSWER: Four possibilities exist in your girl’s situation, taking your facts all to be true. The first is she could be uninspired about her relationship with you, causing her to become unresponsive and uninterested in doing things with you, though she may be in good general health. The second is she may be in temporary doldrums which could be caused by a large number of variable factors, and not a serious health problem, though it will affect her outlook on you and life in general until those factors causing her condition change. The third is she may have fallen into a depressive state of mind that can be quite disabling and serious.

Living with her and seeing her every day, you are the most likely non-professional who is able to discern which of these first three possibilities is real, if any of them. If she is inclined to engage with you meaningfully in conversation, this is an important time to make that conversation happen. You will want to be with her and hear about what is on her mind – whether she has lost interest in you, what makes her happy, how her family is doing, how are her studies, and what special plans can you make to enjoy next weekend?

Poke and prod with your questions to test and retest so you can get the scoop about what occupies her mind. This has worked if you learn from it that she still wants the relationship – or if you learn that she doesn’t. It is not a panacea for your problem; it is a means of determining better what your problem is, because at this moment her problem has become yours.

The fourth possibility is she is simply bored. This may be a sign of trouble for your relationship, but also trouble for her in deciding what she wants in life. If this appears to be her problem, this is an opportunity for her to re-examine what she enjoys in life and search for different paths she can take to change her environment and future, so that she can revive her enthusiasm in her daily experiences, improve her self respect and confidence, and develop excitement in her future by seeking out new adventures. If this is what needs to happen, and as a fellow who wants the best for her, respect her decisions whether they include you or not. If she wants to include you, this is an opportunity for you to explore new possibilities with her. If so, be creative, adventurous, bold, and free-spirited.

If the problem is number one – well, you might be witnessing the end to your relationship. If it is number two, try to help her determine what causes the doldrums and see if those causes can be eliminated. If number three, she may need to seek professional help. If number four, try to turn it into an opportunity to re-examine your goals, and the means of obtaining them, as a couple.

Good luck.

Wiz

February 4, 2010

A question was received here from a girl seeking advice. Please send your question to dumpaguy.com for an answer.

January 16, 2010

Question: Hi, I've been going out with this girl for four months now. She's cool but our personalities don’t mix at all. She's very needy and demanding and I don't like seeing her much. So obviously I am trying to dump her, but we go to the same church and my best friend goes out with her best friend. If I dump her I will be the scandal of the church and will be embarrassed to go back. What do I do?

ANSWER: What church will perceive a scandal because a guy dumps a girl? The Wiz assures you that no phrase in the entire text of the holy bible contains a remonstrance against dumping a girl you don’t like. Holy goodness – dumping is a necessary part of life!

Dump her. You can tell her how nice she is and how much fun it was to date her, but you are not interested in a longer term relationship. Simple as that. No fuss, no mess. If that causes scandal in your church, find a new place of worship.

Wiz

January 16, 2010

Question: Hi. I'm 17 and I've been dating this girl Jennifer for about five months. She's two grades higher than me and although looks as though she could certainly have had a lot of boyfriends, I'm only her second. Her old boyfriend, a friend of mine, was awful to her. He would make fun of her all the time and was just a bad boyfriend, so a little more than a year ago, she dumped him. Ever since then they have hated each other. Her hate for one my best friends makes our relationship tedious.

We took one another’s virginity and that's one of the aspects that makes my decision to break up with her difficult as well. I love her, I truly do, but there's another girl that I've always had feelings for and is newly single. I'm starting to like her more and more each day, which conflicts with my feelings for my girlfriend. I don't feel it's fair to her and I'm on the verge of cheating, something I'd hate myself for.

I tried to break up about a week ago, but I wimped out and ended up together with her after three hours of talking. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure if I actually want to break up with her. I feel as if I could be very happy with her, but the other girl is a girl I've always wanted and finally have a chance with. What should I do?

Thankful for any wisdom that you might grant me.

ANSWER: No magic occurs when virginity is lost. No spirit of the night sneaks into your bed and locks you and your date into a permanent relationship. Nothing, absolutely nothing, changes in life due to loss of virginity except feelings you experience about loss of innocence. That is only in your head and goes away with time and experience.

If you want to be with her, and want to be faithful to her, do not date the other girl. If you don’t care to be in a relationship with Jennifer any longer, end it. If you want to “play the field,” you must first resolve the moral conflict in your mind to accept it as okay. It is all up to you. Do what you will in a responsible manner – that is, taking into account your interests, her interests, and the interests of the rest of the world so much as that matters in your life. Use your head and your heart together to reach a judiciously supportable decision.

Wiz

January 15, 2010

Question: Recently split with my ex that I was with for five years and had two kids with.

Have been since then enjoying nights with various women I meet on Friday or Saturday night. One woman has never gone home and however much I hint it she just will not go!! She tells me she has fallen for me.

In bed she is an animal and into pain and biting and it scares the shit out of me. It is the worse sex I have ever had and really does not appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong, she is an attractive woman.

To make things worse there is a chance for me and my ex to sort things out between us. How do I get rid of this person without breaking her heart?

ANSWER: She is not as helpless as you might think. She needs to go home. Tell her just exactly that. If she expects more from you, she is not reasonable. She has engaged in risky behavior (moving in with a guy before a relationship could develop) and is responsible for her disappointment. If she is emotionally hurt, she is more hurt by herself than you. Do not fall for it.

Wiz

January 15, 2010

Question: I went out yesterday evening to the movies with a gay friend of mine. He decided it would be fun to spike my drinks with vodka and set me up with a girl who lives across the street from me. Both the girl and myself were more than a little drunk when we spent the night together. Now she says that we're in a relationship. I was drunk at the time and do not remember much about that night. HELP ME.

ANSWER: A summer one swallow doth not make. Shakespeare. One night does not create a relationship. It creates only a memory for those who were sober enough to remember, unless a baby is conceived, which is another story altogether.

If you drink a beverage containing vodka, you know it contains alcohol. You both are responsible for what happens.

She has no hold on you unless you decide you want a relationship. It’s a two-way street. If she has a baby, hold on to your seatbelt. You are bound into a relationship with two new people – for a lifetime.

Wiz

January 12, 2010

Question: The girl I am with strikes me as very selfish and ungrateful. Yet she has her moments when she makes me laugh and she is very attractive. Should I dump?

ANSWER: If the moments when she makes you laugh and her good looks overcome the times when she seems selfish and ungrateful, no. If she ain’t worth the trouble, yes.

Selfish is normal. Look carefully at what it is that makes you think she is ungrateful. If she really is unappreciative of your affection and attention, you should look elsewhere. But be careful. You don’t want to misread what she is thinking.

Wiz

December 31, 2009

Question: I want to dump my girlfriend . . . the second time. It just is not seeming to work out well. I dumped her the first time and now I feel like a prick doing it again. PLEASE HELP!! The reason for the second time is because it is my last year in high school and it seems that I am doing bad because she is always talking to me and not giving me alone time. ONCE AGAIN PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! THANKS.

ANSWER: Tell her you need some space. She should get the message. The truth is just that. You need the space of time to do what you need to do to do better in school. For most guys dating is a welcome distraction. If it is affecting your performance at school, and if school is important to you, you should adjust wherever necessary to work on your priorities.

You are not a prick. You are managing practical affairs.

Find a girl who is a happy distraction without interfering with work or study. Dating is for fun and study is work for your future. It is appropriate to do both.

Wiz

December 30, 2009

Question: I’m 17. I’m dating another 17 year old. She absolutely refuses to make out with me. We are both pretty religious, but it is not against our religion to make out. She really likes me. I mean, I’m the first guy she has ever even let kiss her, and I like her too. But this whole no make out thing is really getting to me. I almost feel like a creeper for wanting to when I’m around her. And I’ve asked her why she says to make it more special when she’s married. What should I do, give up? Or try and be more understanding?

ANSWER: Making out does not violate a religious principle. My goodness – human beings make out no matter what religion they are. It is as natural as pine cones growing on pine trees. Wait for marriage? You are talking about making out, right? That is not intercourse, for Pete’s sake.

Most likely she simply is not feeling ready for sex of any kind. Either she doesn’t like you enough or she does like you but feels uncomfortable. You are not a creeper and she is not a prude. It is a matter of timing. If you do not have the patience to wait for her to feel comfortable, it is not unreasonable for you to move on to someone more willing to make out.

Wiz

December 26, 2009

Question: I have a girlfriend who loves me with all her life, but she keeps following me to the bathroom. I get so freaked out. But when I tell her nicely to wait she follows me and all the guys think I let her come in with me. She also comments to her friends what she seen us doing like using the bathroom.

ANSWER: Weirdness.

Wiz

December 24, 2009

Question: Should I dump this girl? We argue a lot and the sex is lame. What should I do?

ANSWER: Compatibility is important in a dating relationship. If you argue a lot, you are probably not compatible. Better to find out now. Yes, you dump someone if you are dating and are not compatible.

Wiz

December 15, 2009

Hey Wiz, I've got a problem I'm faced with and I'm hoping you can help. I am attracted to two similar women but don't know which to ask out first. I understand it would be best to hang out with both women (separately) and then figure it from there, but I think the problem with that logic will be evident once you read below. I'm having trouble deciding which girl to ask out first, and find myself one minute leaning towards one girl and then the next minute leaning to the opposite. Below is the general info from my perspective of the two women. Let me know if you need anymore information. Thank you for your help!

One woman is an old friend that I used to hang out with in a group of people, but now she moved further away so I rarely see her. I met up with her at my friend's birthday party a week or two ago, and we've started talking again. I like this girl and think we would be a good match, but the issue comes in that she rarely has the time to spend together because she's overwhelmed with her schoolwork. When we used to hang out (before she moved away) we talked about what we were looking for in a relationship, and from what she explained, I think I fit the description almost perfectly. BUT, at the time I was in a relationship, so I didn't ask her out then. (Since that time I've been able to free myself from my last girlfriend and am single now). We get along pretty well when we're talking via the phone and computer, but again, she's overloaded with her school work so much that I feel it is going to be nearly impossible to get the opportunity to hang out with her. And I can't offer to study together, because she's majoring in nursing and I'm going to be a journalist, completely different courses and we're past the gen ed classes in our college careers.

The other woman is very similar, but the biggest difference (I can see) is that this girl is in a common organization with me. We work together during the semester. We haven't talked about what we're looking for in a relationship, but we've talked and hung out together, and we're both open to hanging out more often. I feel comfortable hanging out and talking with her, and I would ask her out without a second thought except for the fact that we work together, and have to continue doing so for the next semester. Which will be five months or so. My last relationship ended horribly and I'd be forever in debt to whoever can erase the year and a half with my ex. I'm afraid if the relationship ends bad, that we will be stuck working together for the rest of the semester uncomfortably with each other.

Who should I ask out first? Help?

ANSWER: The one you work with (Girl A) is the better choice. The one who lives farther away and is tied up with a lot of school work (Girl B) sounds promising, but the distance and school work, if your predictions are good, will cause interruptions. You might “schedule” Girl B into your future, in case Girl A does not pan out well, in the following way. Communicate to Girl B that you enjoyed seeing her at your friend’s birthday party, that talking with her again reminded you how much fun she is, and would she like to get together with you socially more often when her school work becomes less of a burden? If she says yes, ask her to contact you when she has more time so that can be arranged. If she surprises you saying “Why not now?” you can start right away with her and hold off on Girl A.

If Girl B agreed to contact you later when she has more time, ask Girl A to hang out more often. She will probably accept. During one of the successful times you hang out, ask her if she would like to go on a date. If she says no, you’ve already made a start with Girl B. If she says yes, go out with her, but in the beginning tell her you would like to go slow in the relationship because you don’t want this relationship, if it ends, to affect your ability to work together. She’ll probably agree wholeheartedly. In this way you can enjoy each other’s company and give romance a chance to develop at a cautious speed. By the time you are through working together in five months, you will know how well things are going. Meanwhile, you will have only seen Girl B a few times socially, if at all, while she is so far away and busy with school work.

If things go well with Girl A, you will be happy with her and all is rosy. A relationship with Girl B will simply not develop. If things don’t go well, the caution you put together into the growth of the relationship should help you stay friends with Girl A, so it should not affect your working together. You will then be able to arrange seeing Girl B more often.

No magic exists in working these things out. Plan it out as you deem fit and it hopefully will work out for you. The above strategy is a suggested course of action that you may or may not like or follow. If you do follow it, be ready to adjust as surprises come up on you. Try not to fall in love with both. Heh, Heh.

Wiz

December 10, 2009

Question: Dear Wiz, I'm writing to you for a unbiased honest opinion on if I should end my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything I write here is one-hundred percent truthful and I wait eagerly for your reply, but take your time. I know it is a long post and I apologize.

First off, I have been with my girlfriend for slightly over a year and it has been a slippery slope. I met this girl at my Community College. She actually was the one to ask me out and I accepted. I will admit I was a little wooed because this was the first potential relationship I have ever had. Back then, it felt more like a friendship that went to a relationship that before I knew it, it turned into a "loving relationship." A quick biography: I'm 22 (almost done with college) and she is 20 (two years into college). I am going to go through a list of factors that have led me to writing here in the hopes of a good opinion/answer.

The positive side of the relationship does not have a large amount of weight, but I'll list them first. She is quite kind and is willing to SAY she will do anything for me. I actually believe this girl is in love with me and I will admit when we meet after a week of school I'm happy for a short while. She also finds me quite physically attractive, which for a computer geek like me is surprising.

(I would like to mention before I get into the negatives that I have approached her with everything written here with the intent to dump. In a nutshell, the argument that follows usually has her on her knees promising she will change and thus far, I have eaten it up like the Obama campaign.)

Now onto the negative side of things, and let me start with what I feel is the worst aspect about this person, peer pressure. I do not care what the topic is, if she does not get her way she will whine and cry like a little girl until she gets it. She will grind my gears to do things I don't have the money for (I'm a poor college student at a university) or have me go to socially known unmanly events (LIKE A BABY SHOWER), and the worst part is she usually ends up getting her way just so I can shut her up if even for a short while. The only thing I massively resisted was saying, "I love you," because I do not love her, but she has even squeezed that from me.

The next is slightly linked to the first problem of peer pressure and that is how I feel role-wise in the relationship. I do not just feel like a boyfriend in this relationship. I feel like a list of things that I honestly cannot achieve. I feel like a parent, friend, boyfriend, brother, guardian, authority, etc., and I just cannot do it anymore. Her parents are trash and are unsupportive, her brothers are assholes, all her friends are either married (shocker) or moved away, and she clings to me when things are bad even if they are minuscule. All of this is a burden on me and I am on the verge of flipping out again about it.

The next aspect is she is physically unhealthy and let me explain. Firstly, she is lactose intolerant and this leads her to have very weak bones, most notably in her teeth. I honestly see her having false teeth at thirty years old at this rate, just like my grandpa. Next she has endometriosis which really shouldn't affect me so much, but she goes into extreme pain every month during her period which is shoved in my lap. (A PMS-ing girl in pain is SCARY! This isn't a joke.) The next health problem happened half-way through the relationship and it was an emotional couple of months. She contracted herpes from what we believe to be from someone she slept with prior to me. However, I have my doubts. Before this we had a few times of unprotected sex, so now I'm at risk as well. Lastly, she is immuno-deficient, which makes her having a cold last a month instead of the greater part of a week. During this time, I usually contract the cold because she has it so damn long and wants to kiss me and sleep over.

The next problem is she over-stays her welcome all the time. I do not live at home alone and she acts as if my door is wide open for her all the time and it is not. Sometimes my house feels like a hotel for this person. This nets me drama from either my family (if she stays over) or her (if I say no) and it drives me nuts. She likes when I come to her place, but her family is dysfunctional and the house is a pig sty! I have a hard time just spending a few hours there rather than sleep over!

Next, her future looks extremely grim from my perspective. Again, she gets no support from her family, so she has relied on loans for college and the amount of money she is in debt is already looking bad. But it's even worse. Her degree, I do not feel will take her to a reliable job. She expects me to support her through these debt-ridden times (leech off me basically). She spends her loan money freely on Christmas presents and study-abroad trips. She came back from Asia. It totaled $3000 for three weeks not on her money. And to wrap it up, she doesn't even like the program she is in. I object about her spending money all the time. Yet she always hits me with, "Your parents pay for your college. You don't understand." But I do. She just does not believe me. I also support myself much more than I think she realizes when it comes to expenses. Oh, and don't let me forget, she flips out when I purchase something like a video game for myself that is usually extremely cheap because I wait for sales. If it's something for her she thinks it's okay. A quick story, we went to an anime convention and knowing her financial situation I decided to pay most expenses. This weekend of fun times cost me $350 and all she wants to do is go to another!

Next, she corrects what I say all the time. I am not a mind reader. I do not know when she wants a particular response worded a certain way and it makes me so mad. Example, "Her: So can I come over tomorrow? Me: Sure, maybe for a little bit. Her: Oh, (key words) I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD SAY for the night." You know, how about instead of beating around the bush just asking me straight out? It is that hard that she must resort to petty mind games that end up aggravating me and reducing the odds I will want to do anything with her at all.

There are other negatives, but this is already getting long and I would like to wrap it up and say that I have attempted to leave her three times in the past with my basis being some or all of these things. I got advice from my friends, who feel that we look good together, but the personalities just do not match and in general my brain and heart both agree that she is a large burden that should be left behind. I also seem to have just recently lost physical attraction for her, which I know, will be a huge problem eventually.

Thank you for any input Wiz it is much appreciated.

ANSWER: The text of your question makes it plain that you date her, still, for no other reason but to satisfy her. You do not find satisfaction or pleasure in the relationship.

Dating is a selfish endeavor. The first object of any dating relationship is to satisfy your desires and needs. The beauty of successful dating exists in this quixotic fact: The parties selfishly want to date the other party for the legitimate and sole reason of satisfying their own desires and needs – and while dating to satisfy their own desires and needs they end up satisfying the selfish desires and needs of the other. When one of the parties no longer selfishly wants to date, the relationship is no longer a success.

Nothing in your question hints that you find satisfaction of any of your selfish needs. Consequently, if you stay in the relationship with this girl, you will not be happy.

Some may read your question and think you are unfair, too critical, or too selfish. That is not the issue, however. The right woman for you will love you for who you are, and you will adjust only so much as you desire to adjust to enjoy the pleasure of dating her. If she does not satisfy your selfish desires and needs, she is not right for you, and you will not adjust happily to satisfy her wants and needs.

For these reasons, you should end the relationship. If you stay with her, you will be miserable. She too will be miserable, because you will be.

Wiz

December 9, 2009

Question: My girlfriend always brings up her past and talks about ex’s. I can't stand it and can't get it out of my mind. She also talks about what kind of people she's had sex with and wonder what sex with this or that would be like. She asked yesterday that if she went out New Year's and someone kissed her, what would I do. She says she loves me all the time and sees us together in the long run but these things she says or done doesn't make me feel loved. She has a picture of her and her ex in her room and I've told her how I feel about keeping in touch with ex’s. We have talked about things I have mentioned here. Things like this keep reoccurring. Is this a red flag? What should I do? I can't stand these things?

ANSWER: This appears to be the same guy who wrote the last question. The advice is the same.

Is it a red flag? Yes, a serious, date-ending red flag. However, your last question suggests that she might understand your problem and now might be willing to reconsider her past behavior. You should take this with skepticism and caution. If you were not interested in her, you would have dumped her without sending questions to this site. Still interested (even if confused) – give her another chance, but do not give up your skepticism and caution. If she disappoints again, dump her.

Don’t expect that you can revive anything by seeing her as an ex. Dating is no good as an interloper. You would only satisfy her needs and wants, and all of them are temporary.

Wiz

December 9, 2009

Question: I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. I fell in love with her as our relationship grew older. I feel as though she disregards my point of view and concerns. She says she loves me all the time but her actions aren't very loving. She thinks it's fine to be all over other guys, dance (grind up on them), and stay in touch with ex’s. I disagree with all of that. She thinks I'm weird and that there is nothing wrong.

Perhaps I should've left her then but I love her, so I told her what I thought. She agreed to not do it after much arguing. Now she won't go out without me, which is not what I was trying to get at. I trust her but she doesn't trust herself. She is very selfish while I am not which can be very bothersome at times. She is materialistic while I care about spending as much time as possible with her, not money. I pick up from work all the time so she can save money and do so much for her. She compares her past to me and I can tell she thinks about it too.

I told her I don't want to share my girlfriend and that you have to move on for us to work. She said she wouldn't stop being friends with her ex’s. I feel like she's holding onto them because she is insecure. I broke up with her last week and she didn't know why. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I just said I don't feel the same way about us. We were both distraught and upset and we decided to get back together after a few days. The day after we broke up she got back in touch with one of her ex’s and said she did it cause she wanted to feel loved and knew he still did, because she broke up with him.

She now says that she won't talk to him or anyone else and doesn't even want to dance with any other guys. She said she realized that she was a bitch and doesn't want to hurt me. She said she is confident that she wants to be with me forever. I told her I want to be with you now, but I don't know about forever. I want to find out. After what we have been through I still find myself wondering how much our love means to each of us, not just words but the truth. And she is concerned of how serious I am because of the break up last week.

Are we just back together cause we don't want to lose each other, even though it is the best for both of us? Or is this just a temporary fix and is forcing her to change wrong, although she wants to in order to make me happy, which she never wanted to before. The only issue she has with me is that I have not introduced her to my parents, which I would've done, but the last month of our relationship dragged on in confusion and I continually had thoughts of breaking up and it eventually happened.

Did I make a mistake getting back together? Or am I repairing a damaged relationship? I'm confused whether or not I can rekindle my deep love for her, because I feel as if it was much greater before. I think I still would be able to move forward without hesitation but as soon as we broke up she just thought I didn't love her, when it was so obvious I did, and started talking to an ex of 3 years ago the day after. I'm confused.

ANSWER: She is learning that she can’t expect a guy to stay with her when she acts flirtatious with her ex’s. When an old flame reappears, she needs to be affectionate and faithful to you, her current boyfriend. Worse, if she is the one going back to the old flame, the breach of faith is too serious for any self-respecting guy to tolerate. You are right to be confused about her ability to remain faithful. She may be sincere now, but will she remain faithful?

You are also quite right in knowing that you cannot realistically say, and mean it, that you will be devoted to her forever, at least not after six months of a relationship that has been tainted with her lack of faithfulness.

The answer to your question is that you cannot know – yet. Continue in the relationship for now. Take her word as a sincere expression of her present feelings. In time you will see either 1) that she was insincere or did not know herself well enough, in which case you will dump her and move on, or 2) that she was sincere and is the right girl for you. If she was sincere, and stays consistent, you will see that you did not make a mistake. She will have learned how to “keep her man,” and you will learn that she really is sincere and worth keeping as your girl. Your love will rekindle and burn brightly. However, if she fails again, don’t be as patient as you have been. Let her go, because if she can’t promise her good faith and stay consistent with it after having made this promise to you, she will not change, no matter how sincere the appears.

Wiz

December 8, 2009

Question: So I have been dating my girlfriend for a week now and she constantly tells me that she loves me. It's impossible to love that fast and I hate how much she tells me that she misses me. I'm starting baseball soon, so I was hoping that I could use that to be my reason for dumping her. I can't stand this relationship anymore!!! HELP.

ANSWER: A girl that comes on too fast can be awful because 1) you know it cannot be based on a complete appreciation of what you are (she can’t know enough about you in so short a time) and 2) it demonstrates how needy she must be, and that portends real trouble in your future if you have to dump her.

If you can’t stand the relationship anymore, end it. You have good reason to end it. With that confidence, and the dating having lasted only a week, you should be able to tell her easily that you are not interested anymore. You do not need to say explicitly why, like “I can’t stand that you say you love me so much and miss me all the time, after only a week of dating!” Rather, keep it short but meaningful, like “I like you, as you know, but I’m starting up with baseball, and as much as I like you, I have to concentrate on that right now. I think we need to stop dating. I am sorry. My baseball is too important to me right now.”

She knows she is too grabby. She will move on, even if she acts like she is devastated. After only a week, you know she can’t really be devastated. And take a deep breath of freedom. If you didn’t dump her, she would get even closer, needier, and more fixated on you. Unsticking yourself from her to get free after another two or three months later could be devastating to her – and hence to you for feeling bad.

Wiz

December 6, 2009

Question: My girlfriend is way too dominant. When she gets mad and I ask her a question she ignores me. She makes me feel like crap at least 10 times a month. I'm always insecure. She will go partying and cheat on me because before we had a title she would try to sleep with other men. I really love her and we have lived together for 6 months, but recently I realized she is taking it too far. I have no power to condition her behavior and stand up for myself. So I’m thinking of leaving even though I will probably get very sad and depressed and miss her! She doesn’t believe I will ever leave her and that’s why she has the power and takes advantage. This power struggle has been going on since the first month. She’s also really hot and unappreciative of a lot that I do for her. She says it’s not her fault and that she just has mood swings. I feel bad leaving. It’s so evil of me even though I am miserable at this point.

ANSWER: If she makes you feel like crap at least ten times a month, you and she are not compatible. It is not evil to decide to leave a relationship in which you feel miserable.

You must make a determination of whether you like the power struggle. If you do, you stay in. If you don’t, the only sensible decision is to get out of it.

Wiz

November 28, 2009

Question: I have been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. I think I really like her. We have a lot in common and I feel really good around her. She, however, has a kid. And of course, with a kid comes a dad.

I was kind of wary of this situation to begin with, but I decided to date her anyway. This past week she went up-state to see her family for the holiday. The dad's family lives in the area (he actually lives out of state), and she brought the kid to see him. To make it worse, she slept as his mom's house. She says nothing happened and that they slept in different rooms. Her family and his mom live one hour apart. And although she admitted she slept there on the phone, that morning she texted that she "was getting ready to go to his mom's house," which was basically a lie. She says she doesn’t know why she said that, but it isn’t something you screw up - it seems deliberate. Anyway, hoping for some advice.

ANSWER: A lie of this kind only three weeks into the relationship might not be a serious sign of trouble.

Her motivation in the lie was to avoid telling you something about which she thought you would be uncomfortable. You know she has a child and the child has a dad. That means that she will be visiting and talking to this dad many times during your dating relationship.

If her romance is over with him, talking to him and visiting him, and maybe staying over, are not over. If you become more deeply involved with her, as you get to know her child you will also get to know the ex.

If you can successfully reassure yourself that you are ready for this, and successfully reassure her that you are ready, she should lose her worry about your reaction and be completely honest with you on those otherwise difficult subjects.

Wiz

November 11, 2009

Question: Been seeing this girl for 2 or 3 months and I feel bit of an a****** because I am seeing other girls and she doesn’t know. She is nice but not hot enough for public display (I am pretty picky with whom I'll be seen with), or to have as a full-time girlfriend with none on the side. Yet I feel bad dumping her because she obviously loves me and spends money on me.

ANSWER: The honesty of a relationship depends on your ability to assess and know how you feel about the girl. Whether she loves you or not is not a matter under your control – she determines that. However, whether you love a girl is determinable only from your heart and soul. If you love her, her looks won’t be important because, as a routine fact, you would want her around you – in and out of public – all the time.

It is clear that you do not love her. That means you should not continue to pretend you love her, and you should end the relationship accordingly to save her from more harm. No relationship should be perpetuated out of fear about whether you will hurt her feelings. It only perpetuates the wrong and makes the pain of ending it worse.

Wiz

November 5, 2009

Question: I am recently divorced after six years together. I am now dating a girl who I've been seeing for the last four months of which two of those months I was only separated. She's been cheated on in the past and so have I, but I feel like she's always questioning what I do and who I'm with. It's not serious right now and we live 500 miles apart. She obviously wants to be serious with me but I will be moving across the country for about five months and I don't want anything too serious right now. Now she feels like I was just using her for four months even though I really like this girl a lot. I just don't want to get too attached so early into being single, but I'm not seeing anyone else. How do I let her know that I think we should take a break until I get back next summer without sounding like I want to end the thing completely or even see other people?

ANSWER: Your approach of keeping things unserious while you have other things to do, and especially after a divorce, is sensible under your circumstances. She expects too much from you after only four months of a relationship. She likes you a lot, apparently, and her hopes suggest good aspirations for your relationship – but she must learn that your current situation is not conducive to a fulfillment of her aspirations. At least not now.

Unfortunately, you may not be able to avoid disappointing her. If you don’t say anything, she’ll likely conclude that you have found someone else or don’t like her enough. If you are honest with her, she might conclude the same way by not fully believing you, or she might find frustration with your needs not matching hers and decide to find someone else.

This is the risk that comes with such a relationship. The best course is to tell her that you like her a lot, that you are not in a relationship with anyone else, that you want to have a relationship with her because she is so satisfying and interesting, but that you have commitments to travel (with work?) and you can’t be a good companion or date her in the next five months. Ask her to please understand, and try to maintain some contact during the five months to keep the flame alive, even if just a flicker.

Wiz

November 2, 2009

Question: Well, where should I start? I've been with her for a bit over two years. We're both young, finished high school last year. I met her when I was a sophomore and we started dating shortly after. She had a boyfriend via long distance relationship and chose me over him. They had been together for almost 3 years. The first three months we were together were perfect. Not a single problem. We were crazy about each other. Then I went away for about 2 months to rehab. I wasn’t using drugs but I was on probation and violated it and lied and blamed it on drugs to keep me out of jail. I'll also mention I've had a troubled past.

Well, while I was in rehab she went crazy. She mentally broke down with thoughts of depression, anxiety, and suicide. She mutilated herself and was sent to the asylum by her parents, I want to say 2 or 3 times. I wasn't sure why until about a year and a half later. When I got out of rehab she was a mess. She got better, however. Going back to rehab oddly enough made me crave to drink and do drugs again, so I did. I was compelled by my conscience to be honest with her at first, but later did it whether she liked it or not, and made sure that she never found out, usually. The first time I smoked again I felt bad and told her. She broke up with me because I lied. We got back together a few days later. I took her virginity not long after I got back from rehab. As the time progressed on it eventually came to the point where we both did drugs and we did them together. However she told me not to sometimes.

We had a few breaks in our relationship, none of which were longer than a few days and always on the terms that we weren't to see other people. In my opinion it wasn't a separation, just a means of space to cool down. Well, about the time we had been going out for a year and a half I broke up with her. At that point all we did was fight screw and get high, and I trusted her less and less, as she hid more and more from me. At that point she had already been talking to another guy, but to this day she claims that she had no intentions of dating him until we broke up, and only went out with him as a rebound. I believe that a little because I know she is a dependant person.

Shortly after we broke up I found out from a friend that about a year ago she cheated on me. It rocked my world. It hurt horribly. At that point I considered her history. After a month or so, amazingly, we bumped into each other and started talking again. One thing led to another and we slept together. We were both at that point on hard drugs and did them together. Having not seen her for a month I saw her in a new light. We clicked again. We got along great. She admitted to me that while I was in rehab and all of this time she had been using hard drugs such as meth coke and opiates behind my back. It was a shock, because I thought I introduced her to drugs. And it made her a complete hypocrite because she wouldn't let me do stuff. But I admitted that I had done exactly the same thing. She told me that when she cheated on me it was on a break, that she was drunk and high out of her mind and taken advantage of. To this day I don't think I've forgiven her. I can't let go of it. Even if that was the truth, she still lied to me and I don’t believe it was on a break, but even if it was it wouldn't make a difference.

Well, right before we almost got back together I got busted for drugs and spent a month and a half in jail. When I got out she was there for me. She had a boyfriend but cheated on him with me. They had only been out for a week anyhow and she said she really didn't want to be with him. She just didn't want to hurt his feelings cause he was a friend. And she was high. But when I talked to her after that I told her we both have to sober up if this is going to work. No more drugs. So we both quit. She had been kicked out of her parent’s house and had been living around at friends’ houses. She then moved into mine with my parents.

Although everything was fine at first, issues arose. She had a lot of insecurities. She always had, and they surfaced once again now that she was comfortable enough to show them. I also held a lot of resentment against her for cheating on me and for having sex with other guys while we were officially broken up. Even though she was free to do so, I guess I'm insecure about it, maybe because I didn't get any but she did. I’m not that horrible to look at but I would definitely say she is leagues above me. Problems arose and we started bickering like we used to, just not as bad. We started drinking again, just drinking, thinking we could handle that. Honestly, I can handle it but she can't. I only drank recreationally. She drank to self-medicate herself and to numb herself like a drug. I guess she wasn't ready for that. We're both underage and we probably shouldn't be drinking anyways.

Well one day we had a fairly big fight. She got drunk and wanted to leave my house and move out. I wouldn't let her go and held her phone over her so she wouldn't leave and she bit me in the face, Hannibal Lector style. We had a mini-break up that lasted not even a day and made up. One day she got insanely drunk at my house and so did I. My mom called the ambulance for her and when the cops came I was belligerent with them, and when they left I got in a fight with my brother and drove off and got pulled over for driving drunk. I spent a day in jail and as a result got kicked out of my parent’s house.

We got a hotel together, and all was well for the first week. We just got drunk and had our privacy and our own little mini-adult life and it was good. But it was bad for her. As soon as she was home from work she'd be at the bottle. Usually at least tipsy by the time I got home from work. Well, eventually she became so emotionally unstable that when we had our fights the alcohol enhanced them greatly.

One night it got really crazy. She tried to rip off my junk, so I kicked her off of me. Then she started wailing really loudly and I left and came back to a locked door and kicked it in so I could sleep. When I came in she attacked herself with a butter knife, lol. But, seriously, she was stabbing herself in the chest and threatening suicide, and when I tried to grab it from her she shanked me in the face and left a huge gash that later got stitched up. The security was notified about everything. I never filed charges but we were both evicted. We lived there about two months.

Sorry about going into so much detail, man. I just want you to be able to get as good of a grip on the situation as possible. So I broke up with her. And I really and truly meant to for good. But I sat her down and talked to her and told her she needed to change her life and change her ways, find God, get sober, be independent, and not rely on others for her own emotional sake. While talking to her, I still loved her and she still loved me. And as crazy as it sounded, we decided to cut out all substances and try again, because the happiest point in our relationship was when we were drug free.

But we still argue. We still bicker and bitch. She still has her insecurities. I still have my temper. We've had a lot of differences and a lot of trifles and are still together all out of love. But I really am doubting it's love. I care for her, I know. And when we're at peace it's great. But her insecurities are unreal. I can't watch television because it has women in it. I can’t wear a shirt to work because it has a zipper neck and fits tight. This really ugly chick at work tried to give me her number the first day we worked together and when I told her about it she flipped, and asks me about her every day at least once. I mean it's ridiculous. I think part of it is because she has a low self esteem. The other part is she probably feels guilty about whoring herself around in the past and cheating on me. Whatever it is, it's getting harder and harder to live with every day. I want it to stop.

I want to believe that she'll change and that she'll magically one day drop it. But I know that it won't. I just want to believe it will. She's clingy, overbearing, over-protective. On one half, she's the problem in my life; on the other, she's the solution.

Now that I'm on probation once again for my new charges, I can't take chances and drink and smoke, all my friends do that. By being with her she keeps me out of trouble. When we get along I love spending time with her. It seems then like we're perfect for each other. But when these problems arise, I just can't stand it. We've been together for two years. We both got our whole life ahead of us. If I could change people with a magic wand then I would take away what causes us to fight and I wouldn't mind spending my life with her. On the other hand I'm probably just young and dumb, this is my first love, and right now I question if what we really have IS love, or just attachment.

She's been my life for two years, and I almost don't know what I'd do without her. I don’t know really why I even wrote this. I guess I just want to vent, and get an outside unbiased opinion. We do want to go to college and she does want to go to a university, and that will be much harder for me to follow her there since she graduated with a 3.5 g.p.a. and I'm a drop out. She has proven that she won't be faithful. Not just with me, with anyone. If she can find someone better she will. She's all for instant gratification. I'm really confused, honestly. And I'll even admit I don’t think I have the balls to end it with her, even if I knew it was the right thing. I dream about meeting someone new who I could truly love and wouldn't have the problems and past that she does. But to me that dream seems out of reach. I'm pretty much just confused. Any advice appreciated. Thanks for your time.

ANSWER: Immoderate use of drugs and alcohol can, and often do, make the ups and downs of a relationship higher and lower. Occasional binges will cause festering distempers to boil, and bouts with probation and rehab will cause a heavy drag on the progress of your lives if they do not help you muster up to healthy living. And they often don’t help unless you are ready to help yourself.

So you’ve had uneven travel on this road to your destination – and your instability and insecurity contribute to a blurred vision of what that destination might be. That is part of your confusion and lack of comfort.

What brightness there is can be seen in the willingness you both harbor to support each other through all of it. You both need to clean up the play with substances. She should do all she can to improve her future hopes, so she should go to a university program. You must support her in those efforts. You must get over your possessive burn over her infidelity. She’s young and you have not been so steady in your commitment to drug free independence yourself. (Her youthful forays and your drug use and inability to stay free of jail and probation ARE deeply related.) Forgive and let live is a productive model for both of you. If you both continue to want each other, you both should try, at least try, to support and give sustenance to each other. It all rests on the “staying power” you both possess. If you share your successes, and stay committed to a healthier way of life, the Wiz believes you can do far more than survive – you can thrive and gain great happiness together.

On the question of whether it is love you feel, the answer is probably no, not now, because too much is clouding your vision. Your relationship is bounded up with psychological dependencies, insecurities, troubled histories with many causes, broken promises, and dashed hopes. The fact that you are still together, and keep returning to each other, does not support a connection based principally on love.

But do not conclude you cannot be in love. Your history includes a readiness to support each other through thick and thin – and your successes have been real. A good place to start is to help her build her self-esteem and support her efforts to improve herself. You may be a “drop out,” but you are no slouch (as is evident from the detail and honesty in your question). If you gain your freedom from drugs and alcohol, and find an employment that is satisfying (maybe a hard thing to do), you will sense a success in your life, as will she, and in the clarity of that circumstance you may find that you do, in fact, love each other.

Wiz

November 1, 2009

Question: I've been friends with this girl for a while and she likes me a lot now. I am not ready for a commitment yet but I really want to stay a friend with her. The most complicated part is that I like her friend and I don't want to hurt her feelings by going out with her best friend.

Please help Me!!!

ANSWER: Don’t be too nice. You are friends with girl A and you want to stay friends with her. You like a friend of hers, girl B, and would like to date her. This much is simple. What complicates it is that girl A likes you a lot now and might feel hurt (you think) if you date her friend, girl B.

“Being too nice” is making decisions about your health and happiness using as your guide the question of whether you will cause someone to feel hurt. It is a good guide most of the time because you should not want to cause anyone to feel hurt. Fair enough. But this is the dating world. A person who dates and tries to avoid causing anyone to feel hurt is like a person who plays American football and tries to avoid causing anyone to get bruised.

People in the dating world will feel hurt, no matter what you do. People in the dating world suffer insecurities about their worth as a date and their future in love, and stumble in confusion over what they want in companionship and love.

If you are dating girl A, you should ease out of that relationship because you are not ready for commitment and you’re licking your chops to date her friend. Once out of the dating relationship with girl A, hopefully done deftly enough to preserve her friendship, you should attempt to date girl B. If she is interested in you, and agrees, girl A has her friendship with girl B to think about as much as her friendship with you. She should soon learn how valuable her friendships are and congratulate you both if you are happy. She must also learn how foolish it is to covet her ex so much that she feels hurt when a friend dates her ex. If she is not up to speed on these points, she is suffering the above-noted insecurities and confusion.

If she suffers, that is no reason for you to suffer.

Wiz

October 31, 2009

Question: Well, this is the problem. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two months. She was my girlfriend two years ago. We were together for four months and we broke up because she didn’t like me smoking, but now this time I really, really like her and love her. And when we started dating again it was all fine. We were always having fun, but now she’s always in a bad mood and treating me wrong. Like, if I’m in back of her, well, I give her enough space – well, a lot of space. Well, we almost broke up like a week ago because I asked her what’s bothering her so much, and she said we fight a lot and that’s why she acts that way. So I haven’t fought with her for a week, but this time she treats me even worse. Like, I can’t live without her or something, I get really, really tired of it, and I really like her and love her a lot. I just want her to change. Every time I talk to her she doesn’t listen. Is there any way I could dump her and make her realize what she lost and how mature I was, and make her want me back and change?????????

ANSWER: From the sounds of it, there is nothing you can do to make her change and want you back after you dump her. In fact, it sounds like she is ready to dump you.

The most mature and courageous way you can handle this is to act not so worried about the relationship. Don’t act needy. Be calm and gentle. Speak few words. Give her a light kiss on the forehead and say, “I love you and hope you’ll stick around.” Then go off and do something. Act aloof.

Give her a chance to conclude, in her own mind without your help, that she wants you. If she decides without your help that she wants you, she is more likely to stay in her commitment to you. If she stays because you cajole her to stay, she won’t stay long. Given that you dated before and are dating again, she does see good things in you, so she can come around for you if it is not too late. If she does come back, stay cool. She needs to know you are a valuable date who is not so easy to get.

But if she doesn’t come around for you, it’s too late and you should find someone else. You can always hope she comes back, but you’ll be better off finding someone else you like so much that you don’t care if your “ex” ever returns.

Wiz

October 27, 2009

Question: My girlfriend is at university in a different town, but its still pretty close and we see each other most weeks. The real issue is she's told me repeatedly she's not over her ex, and she has lots of male friends. I've tried to put the effort in to keep us together, but I frequently feel like it’s not equal, and although we always seem to have a good time together, I feel like she's not completely committed and I am left feeling like it’s all a bad idea. I do love her, but the chemistry is mild and I don't want ginger babies.

ANSWER: “Male friends” is not a date killer, but “not over her ex” is a potential date breaker, depending on what she means, like if she means she still loves him and wants to date him. Give her credit for honesty, at least.

The circumstances under which she tells you this, and these do not appear in your question, might explain her reasons. Your question says she “repeatedly” tells you she is not over him. On this alone, she seems to tell you this with a purpose – and what could that be? Be wary, she may be confused about her relationship . . . with you.

Wiz

October 16, 2009

Question: Hey Wiz, Just to say a big thanks for your advice. (I'm the 9 yrs, heavy sexual past one.) A few days later I got news that she's found someone else, so get over it I must. Your words help.

Thanks again. Hope all's well with you.

Best wishes.

ANSWER: Thank you. Most everything is well with the Wiz, except the Wiz worries about this crazy, dangerous world.

The Wiz wishes well to everyone.

Wiz

October 9, 2009

Question: So I've been dating this girl for two years. And this is going to be a loooooong story.

I was a bit naive when I started dating, believing in true love and all that, and she wasn't even that pretty or hot. She was a bit like me though, something hard to see in a girl. Then I started noticing psychological problems, as she tried to steer me away from my friends. I eventually stopped seeing anyone but her, but cheating myself that I liked her.

Her family is like the most dysfunctional family in the world, with her parents divorced, an ass for a father, a schizophrenic mother, an authoritarian and masochist grandfather, and a senile home-working granny. I've been through a lot of changes, and though I like her still as a friend, I don't know how to help her or even break up with her. I feel if I do that, she'll kill herself because she is very emotionally unbalanced and she REALLY likes me. What should I do? I'm afraid everyone will also jump on me for breaking up with her.

ANSWER: Never stay in an uncomfortable relationship for fear that relatives, or friends, or anyone else will “jump on you.” Who you date, and how long you date her, is entirely up to you – and dependent on only your needs and wants. You are a slave to no one in the dating world, and in the world around you, unless you decide to enslave yourself.

The same is true when you date a girl who is emotionally unbalanced. You cannot be a slave to her psychological needs. That only occurs if you marry her. You are not married. You have no moral or legal connections that require you to enslave yourself to her.

This is not only a freedom issue. Your emotional health is at stake, just as hers might be. If you no longer want to be in a relationship, it is important that you have a door open to get out of it. The door is always there, but it might be closed. If so, open it.

In this matter, you open the door and leave, by telling her that you like her as a friend, but you want to end the dating relationship so you can spend more time with your friends. Remind her that you have good feelings for and about her, but be firm about your need to end the dating part of your relationship. Do not talk about her emotional stability or her family members and their issues. Keep it positive, but be definite about it so she doesn’t think you will change your mind.

If you don’t open that door, no one will open it for you.

Wiz

October 1, 2009

Question: I’m seeing this younger girl (I am 21; she is 19). We have been together for a year and a half. The problem is that I work away for a week, then I am home for a week. It feels like I give everything to this girl whenever she wants. Not that she is needy or gold digging at all. See, once I am back from my laborious job for a week, I am instantly expected to see her for a week straight until I go back. I’ve given up hanging out with my friends and I find myself hanging with her friends often. Also, when I am gone it’s difficult to work a day, then want to go back and be romantic on the phone, which I add if I don’t call her every day when I am gone at work I am in trouble. I should want to talk every day according to her. To sum it up, she has decided if I go back to work away and out of the city, our relationship is over. I suppose it was better when I was working in town. I had more consistency with friends and her. I have spent three weeks looking for work in town but I have found nothing. What am I to do? I do like this girl but I feel cornered.

ANSWER: Your message seems to indicate that your problem with away a week, then home a week, and calls every day, existed when you worked in the city. Now you can’t find work in town, but you might find work “away and out of the city?”

She cannot change you. You should not have to change to satisfy her. If your work takes you out of the city, she should adjust to that if she wants you.

She must also understand that you need balance in your life. You should be able to find time to be with your friends, and to simply cool out, as you like, without being suffocated by her needs.

Adjustment is a central feature in all relationships. Both people must learn to adjust. In your message it appears you are doing all the adjusting.

Wiz

September 29, 2009

Question: Hello Wiz.

Well I just got dumped by my girlfriend of nine years. She was amazing, the sweetest and most loving girl ever. At best we were so good together.

But frankly I couldn't handle her past which to me was dark. Sexually. Not massive numbers, but sex with a nameless person. Sex with people she didn't know. A threesome that was probably rape but she really couldn't remember because she was smashed. It wasn't her. She was actively out to destroy herself. I know that, but it was so painful to think about and I couldn't stop myself thinking about it. It bothered me a lot, and while I wouldn't actively try to make her feel bad, sometimes I did, or she would know I was feeling $*!* and it would make her feel rubbish. But she never really told me how much it hurt her. She kept it to herself. I guess I think if she had shown me more how much I was hurting her, I would have gotten better quicker. I was slowly learning to accept it, but she's had it in her head the whole time, fully aware of my pain, in turn causing hers, and it all got to be too much for her, and kind of out of the blue, she's dumped me and its over. Really over.

I don't know if I only feel I can finally put the past out of my mind because now I can't have her. Rose tinted just dumped spectacles. Or actually is it that nine years of torture for both of us is a sign to move on, and maybe I need to find someone without such a harrowing-to-me past and someone less judgmental. As amazing as she is, I'm still not even sure I can do everything to get her back, in case this really is for the best, as much as it hurts now.

Advice appreciated and anticipated.

Thanks.

ANSWER: It seems clear from your message that it is really over. If so, it is time indeed to close the door and lock it shut. You do not need to, and you should not, ruminate over the nine years of “torture” you describe. She lived nine years of her life in your life. You permitted her to come into your life and she wanted to be there. With her came a past and a burden. You bore it with her.

Now that she has left she takes her past and her burden with her. You must move forward into your future relieved and unburdened.

It will be easier to forget the past when you find a kind sweetheart to love who will love you, and who is not sadly burdened. However, whether or not you find a new sweetheart, lock that door that she shut when she left you. Don’t go back.

Wiz

September 24, 2009

Question: I need to get rid of a girl because she is very immature and drives me crazy. I don't know how to tell her I don't like her anymore without sounding like a dick. She has A LOT of cute friends and I don't want her spreading rumors about me.

Thanks!

ANSWER: Knowing she won’t like the message, you can only make it as sweet as possible. Be sure you include compliments that are true. It should be easy to remember good things about her that you noticed when you dated her, and that didn’t turn out to be untrue. If you give her big compliments, though you also explain that you don’t think you are the best for her, or that she is not right for you, you will at least boost her self-esteem.

You may have done something when dating her that causes her to have a negative thought about you. If so, that is done and over, but you can apologize. So, if there is anything you did wrong, acknowledge it and apologize. She also might feel that she did not do something right, or was not pretty enough, or some other feeling of lack of worth. By your compliments you will improve on these feelings, so she goes on to date someone else with confidence.

If you can succeed on those two levels, telling her she was right about what you did “wrong” (give your genuine apology) and building up her self-esteem so she doesn’t feel hurt (say truthful and meaningful compliments), the dump you must do is less likely to damage the impression you want to make on her friends.

Wiz

September 5, 2009

Question: I have a girlfriend I have been with 3 years. We have a 2 1/2 year-old child in common. I am almost 28 and she is 22. I used to go out all the time and it caused a huge problem in our relationship, but now I'm trying to be a better father and do all the right things. She has cheated on me in the past with her ex and shortly after I did the same, but this was years ago. Because of it we have a very insecure relationship and things are getting really bad. She has been going out a few nights a week. I have seen pictures of her doing 3 way kisses involving other guys. She went camping for a day with some friends. Drinking of course . . . There was no way of getting hold of her. She was with her friend that has 2 boyfriends and sleeps with multiple guys. I have heard word of her cheating but she denies over and over and gets angry for me thinking she would do that. My "gut" tells me she definitely did something. But I'm not 100 percent. The source is 1 of the boyfriends of her friend. I'm hurt and confused. We have a child together. She is always insecure, if it were not for that we probably would be married, everything is going down the tube. Should I dump her and move on, or should I tell her I believe her and try and make things right?

ANSWER: Your child must always have you around as a good father. Your relationship with the mother must always exist as a co-parent. If she wants to keep you around, she must change her behavior. If her behavior does not change, you are better off dumping her and finding better companionship. Nonetheless, whatever you do, always keep your child in your plans for regular and frequent care and attention. Losing the mother as a romantic partner is no big loss. The child losing you as a father is a tragic loss. Don’t let that happen.

Wiz

September 5, 2009

Question: Okay so here I’m sure is a new one for you.

I decided to move to another state to finish college after going to school in my home state for a few years. When I moved, I had only a few friends and one of these friends introduced me to a girl. She was/is nice but at the time I was just interested in some "extra curricular" activities if your catch my drift. Not too long into our messing about, I was charged with drunk driving and was left without a ride to school or anywhere really (my house is half an hour from town). At this point I had two options: 1) move to college town and keep this girl as a regular booty call or 2) make the relationship more serious so that I could stay at my home and have someone who would be willing to give me rides. I decided on option two. At the time her longest relationship had been 5 months and I assumed this would be no different. Eventually she would become uninterested and move on and I would have to figure out a new plan, but I figured I could handle that. Well, fast-forward to today, a year and a half after we started dating, and she is more in love with me than I ever hoped she would be. Needless to say, I don’t feel the same way and never became emotionally attached like she has. And as each day goes by I feel worse and worse about how I have led her on for so long.

So my last year in college just began two weeks ago and she decided to study abroad for the semester. Last night I went out with some friends, one of them being this girl I have always been attracted to since I first met her, and as it turns out, shares the same feelings for me. We never did anything (well maybe flirted a bit, which I feel guilty about) and always respected each other. After bar close, I offered a walk home and she offered a night cap. When we got to her place we drank and had great conversation, then out of nowhere she blindsided me. She said, “So, what’s the deal between us? We need to figure this out tonight.” I knew this question would come, but I had been dreading its appearance. I told her how I felt. I told her that I have sincerely cared for her for over a year. She broke down crying and said she felt horrible about how we carried on, especially since she and my girlfriend are friends. She said that I had to make a decision and that I couldn't have her while I was dating my girlfriend and that we shouldn’t be flirting especially when it looks like my girlfriend and I are going to be together forever. This “forever thing” kills me, because I deceived all my friends and my family as well as hers into thinking that forever is a realistic possibility. I had to lie. Her friends eventually became my friends and my friends became hers. I looked into this girl’s eyes and after fifteen minutes of mustering up the courage, told her my darkest secret. Needless to say she couldn't believe that these were my true feelings, but finally accepted my words. Eventually, I had to leave. We decided that flirting had to stop. She was getting hurt and we were going nowhere. The only thing we can do now is repress our feelings and act like there was nothing ever between us.

Now, the fact that she told me she cared for me as well is not what makes me want to write this all-of-a-sudden. I had told myself that I would breakup with my girlfriend when she returned from study abroad and blame the change of heart on time and growing apart. So now I’m slightly afraid that the girl I like is going to tell someone what I said and all our friends are going to find out about it. I will lose them, completely break the heart of a great girl who is completely oblivious to how I truly feel about her, and carry a guilty conscience that will weigh on my shoulders for the rest of my life. Now I know the whole conscience thing is something that I’m going to have to deal with, but I don’t want to lose my friends and I don’t want my girlfriend to ever find out my true feelings because, well, it’s just too horrible.

What do I do? I’m so lost.

ANSWER: At first blush you appear to be right – that this problem is a new one and a difficult one. At second blush it becomes apparent that this problem is neither new nor difficult. The problem is easy – what you must do is difficult.

Let’s call the girl who studied abroad girlfriend A, and the girl who you walked home from the bar girlfriend B. At first blush, you would say girlfriend B is not a girlfriend. The reality is that neither of them are true girlfriends yet; girlfriend A shouldn’t be and girlfriend B should be. But the problem runs even deeper and it is not new.

Your dating relationship with girlfriend A is dishonest. All this time she has been faithful and believes in you. You have played the role of boyfriend so well, in your question you say in a parenthesis, “well maybe we flirted, which I feel guilty about.” Guilt about flirting with a girl you like while dating a girl you don’t feel emotionally attached to? No guilt is justified there – but while acting the role of boyfriend you must show guilt. Thankfully, you are honest in your question and in your current thinking. You admit that you deceived her – and consequently everybody else.

Do not forget that everyone knows most relationships end. The expectation that you and girlfriend A would be together forever is foolish, even if all the signs pointed that way. If most of your friends (and hers) expect your relationship to last “forever,” they deceive themselves as much as you deceive them. In the end it should be of no material consequence, because after the relationship ends with girlfriend A most people will not be hurt, disappointed, or concerned. They may worry for girlfriend A’s feelings, but no one should fault you for making a decision – the kind of decision most people must make at least once (and many times for many people) – to end a relationship in which the dumpee feels hurt and, yes, even deceived.

That is task number one. Your instinct is alive and well when you told yourself that “I would breakup with my girlfriend when she returned from study abroad and blame the change of heart on time and growing apart.” You can blame it on yourself too, for you did not need to lie to her, no less to everyone. The mistake is a common one. It hurts deep in the gut for a person with a conscience – but that same conscience must make you do it for her sake. She will suffer and would suffer many times more if you maintain the lie and not end it.

Girlfriend B is the one you should date. This is a good time to talk to her again – not as a flirt – as a conscientious soul trying to do the right thing. Tell girlfriend B what you intend to do with girlfriend A, that you are ending that relationship because you must be honest with girlfriend A, and because your real feelings are with girlfriend B.

She may or may not understand. If she does not understand, you will still free yourself of your deceitful relationship and you can find another girl to honestly love. If she understands, she will appreciate 1) that you have chosen honesty over deceit, 2) that you are brave enough to face the task head on, and 3) that your honest emotion is to spend time with her and not the other girl. As unhappy as girlfriend A will rightfully be, she too will in the long run appreciate your honesty and be thankful that you did not allow the “lie” to continue forever.

This is a common problem. What is uncommon is your clarity of vision about what is happening. Now you must be brave and take care of it. It is “horrible,” but it will be a much worse “horrible” if you don’t take care of it.

And, by the way, your conscience will be happy. You may feel the pain of worry about girlfriend A’s sorrow and disappointment, but your conscience will reward you with a righteous sense of doing the right thing for her benefit. The deceit must be removed from the equation for everyone (girlfriend A, girlfriend B, and all your friends) to see and understand what is right. Whatever pain you feel will be a righteous pain because you did the right thing.

Wiz

August 31, 2009

Question: I am in a relationship with a girl for the past four years. We are just friends, but we both have feelings for each other. The problem here is I am totally obsessed to her. She is kind of a big flirt, has lots of boyfriends, and to be frank she is a certified bitch. I really need to be rid of her. Please help.

ANSWER: If you are just friends, you can be rid of her by ridding yourself of your obsessive attachment. To do that you should know what it is about her that attracts you in light of all the negatives. If you can’t figure that one out, it may be that you rightfully belong with her – not rid of her. Perhaps, to find out, you need the romantic relationship to occur and pan out. Just staying friends is not working.

The solution is difficult because the facts are skimpy. But, whatever the facts, one way to answer this dilemma is the counter-intuitive approach.

Here is the recommendation: Dive in. When you go under, the water temperature will tell you what kind of experience it is. You can always swim to shore. And, if it ain’t water, then you know there is trouble and getting rid of her will be so much easier.

“Dive in” means ask her out. If she says yes, you’ve got something to really think about. If she says no, this may be the response that empowers you to get through your psychological hurdle and rid yourself of her.

Wiz

August 18, 2009

Question: There are two girls at work, one that I really like and want to go out with, and the other I am not interested in. There is a party coming up at work and I want to take the girl I like, but the other girl wants to go with me and keeps sending emails and calling me. What do I do?

ANSWER: Ask the girl you like to the party. If she says yes, email the other girl telling her you are sorry but you have already committed to going with someone else. If the girl you like says no, email the girl you don’t want to date saying you are going to the party and you might see her there. Don’t invite her to go with you regardless, because she will think it is a date.

Wiz

August 17, 2009

Question: I am a soldier in the army about to be going to Afghanistan for six months. I have been going out with a girl for two weeks. I don’t think it’s fair on me or her for us to be having a relationship while I have the commitment. Also she is growing attached to me quickly.

ANSWER: It is wonderful she is growing attached. Enjoy each other until the moment you must leave. Write to her when you are away. She may welcome you back with open arms. Six months is not so long to mess up a good thing.

Realize that going away in service to your country entails potential bad consequences at home. They include the possibility of a loved one finding someone else to love while you are away. That risk, however, should not cause you to deprive yourself of a good relationship while you are here. If she is close enough to you, she will be ready for your return. If not, you gave it your best and you’ll find someone else when you get back.

Wiz

August 2, 2009

Question: Hey, I've been with my girlfriend on and off for almost two years now and I felt very content in our relationship up until a few months ago. We live about five hours apart because I started university this year. I know I love her but some days I think it's a romantic love, whereas other days I feel convinced that I only love her as a very close and important friend. Our relationship has no obvious problems other than the doubt I am feeling now. We have never fought. Practically everyone I know that also knows her has commented about how attractive she is. She is supportive, kind and very easy going. She is very committed to our relationship and loves me very much. Despite this, I have found myself thinking about and talking to her a lot less lately. Even though this sounds very egotistical, I feel as if she will never want to leave me and if I remain unsure about my feelings and refuse to make a decision, it feels like I will be in this relationship forever and I'm pretty sure I don't want that. However, I'm afraid of breaking up with her because I'm unsure of why I'm having doubts and I'm confused about my exact feelings for her. I'm afraid because I have dumped her in the past and after a few months really regretted it and became depressed when it seemed as if she wouldn't take me back, even though she eventually did. I'm also afraid that if I leave her, I will have a lot of trouble dating girls in the future as I'm very shy and self-conscious. Though thinking this makes me feel guilty because it makes me wonder whether I'm only staying in my current relationship because I haven't met anyone else, which isn't fair for her. Sorry if this is confusing, and thanks.

ANSWER: It’s not confusing because your circumstance is not unusual or abnormal. You are an introspective guy trying to figure out what kind of relationship you have and whether to stay in it.

She is either a romantic love or a close and important friend. These are two cherished categories. She is an important part of your life, having occupied your interest and time for two years. However, distance has contributed to second thoughts during the last two months. This too is not unusual or abnormal.

Life is a string of places, events, and people along a long road. You are at an early place on this road, and so is she if she is about your age. She will always be in your memories whatever happens. You are the only person able to make a decision and, yes, a decision you must make – but sometimes it is good to hold back in making one. This may be one instance when that is so.

If you love her romantically, you will forever regret dumping her. If she is a close and important friend, you don’t want to lose her friendship, but you don’t want to deprive her of finding a love interest to give her what you can’t. You will likely suffer regret in your future no matter what you decide, because the answer to your concern about whether your relationship is romance or friendship will, if you act now, never get answered.

Stay in the relationship. Delaying a decision will give time for things to develop naturally. You should not act at a moment when you are so unsure of which way to go. Staying with the road analogy, you are at a fork in the road. Choosing the road that keeps you in the relationship keeps your options open. If you become convinced the relationship is not romantic at a later date, you can still veer off that road and end the romantic side of the relationship. If, however, you take the road that ends the relationship, and you find out you were wrong, getting back on the other road is difficult and may be impossible.

How she feels about you will contribute a great deal to the decision you make. You both need time to find out how deep and meaningful, and how special, is your relationship. This distance between you will be a good test of the strength of your romance. Stay with it for a while. The natural progression of events should begin to inform you in due time about which way to go.

Wiz

August 1, 2009

Question: I like my girlfriend on some days, but on others I don't. What do I do?

ANSWER: Do what feels right. If you don’t like the situation, find a different girl who you like all the time. If you like the situation, even with the bad days, that is fine. You decide how you feel. If a dump is your decision, do it.

Some say that one should lower expectations and settle. They mean to say that most if not all women will disappoint you somehow, either in what they do or how they look. So, when you choose a long-term mate, expect less and settle for less.

A flaw exists in this advice. All of us compromise every day with people we meet. We do not expect perfection. Normally, we expect good intentions and best efforts from those we admire and respect. That will suffice. We don’t live on a Hollywood movie screen. Every one knows the difference between a Hollywood dream and reality in the small world of one person’s life.

If something about your date disturbs you, look to yourself to determine its importance. After examining the standards you have set for yourself, and satisfying yourself that your standards are appropriate for yourself, you will act on those standards. If you are unrealistic or “too picky,” you will find that out when you have been dateless long enough to learn. Or if you have been thoroughly unhappy with every date you had with many girls over a long period of time, maybe you need to compromise.

The adjustments you need to make, if any, are to be made from your experience in dating. Do not take the advice seriously, to lower expectations and settle, until after you know you need it.

Wiz

July 28, 2009

Question: I have been dating this girl for like 6 months but I just don't really feel it anymore and I don't want a relationship any more. We very rarely argue and I don't have any reasons other than not liking her anymore to dump her. What should I do and how should I do it.

ANSWER: Get up your courage and tell her the plain truth. You “just don’t feel it any more” and don’t want a serious dating relationship. Give her some compliments – like how nice she is – but be clear that you don’t want to be in a relationship any more. You can try to take the sting out of it by saying you would like to stay friends. She may or may not accept that, but it is worth saying to communicate that you still like her but just don’t want a dating relationship.

Wiz

July 22, 2009

Question: I've been with my girlfriend for a year and some change. In high school she was a pot head, but she said she realized what people thought of her and that since we've been in college she hasn't smoked again. I love her greatly, but yesterday, she told me she felt like "something was missing." So we talked, and it was then that she told me she still occasionally smokes by herself between semesters. I feel like I can't trust her anymore, for over a year now she has been doing this when I’m not around. We had planned on living together after college (in less than a year). With the job I am going to have after I graduate, I must have a government clearance. This entails no drug use (I don’t anyway) and current roommates/spouses can't use drugs. I told her if she smokes once more we can't be together because it jeopardizes my career which I have worked so hard to reach. Her response to my ultimatum was, "Sure. I'll think about it." My question is: I need a simple YES or NO answer. If she can't do it she doesn't love me enough, right?

ANSWER: She might not love you enough, not because she can’t give you a simple “yes” or “no,” but because she said “something was missing.” The more likely reason for her ambiguous response is that she perceives a different level of importance on the issue than you do. As with any drug for which dependence can arise, like alcohol or nicotine, even caffeine, one who likes it and uses it does not perceive relevance or importance in stopping its use if he or she does not perceive a harm caused by the use of it. Depending on the kind of drug and how much it is used, it may cause substantial harm, and sometimes the harm when caused is still not perceived by the user.

Probably, if she said “yes,” that would not be a truthful answer. Even if she is not dependent, drugs of this type induce dependence because they produce enjoyable effects on the mind or body. It is not necessarily a dependence on the drug that causes them to insist on continued use; it is often as simple as a desire to continue to use because the effects of it are liked, with or without dependency.

You gave her an “ultimatum.” When an ultimatum to stop using is made to one who uses a dependence inducing drug, the user will usually either lie (responding yes to the ultimatum) or defiantly say “no.” If the drug user has feelings for the person who gives the ultimatum, the formula becomes more complex. The answer turns into either a lie (responding yes to the ultimatum) or saying something more cryptic but truthful, like “maybe” or “I’ll think about it.”

In your case, she probably wanted to say “yes,” but couldn’t say yes and be honest, so she said she’ll think about it because she also wasn’t sure how much she wants to change a behavior she likes for a guy for whom she has good feelings but with whom something is missing.

So, does she not love you enough? Probably, though it might be more complicated than a simple yes or no.

Wiz

July 21, 2009

Question: My girl is a promise breaker! It has been less than three weeks and she has broken five promises. Should I dump?

ANSWER: That is 1.67 promises broken every week or .24 promises broken each day. If she can avoid breaking a promise in a little over a week, she can improve her numbers to .86 promises broken every week or .17 broken promises per day.

It is not the number of promises broken. Only one will cause an end to a dating relationship if the promise was solemn and important. A careless individual can make a hundred promises in a week and break them all. None of them will cause a break-up if her date knows they were meaningless when made and doesn’t care.

All that matters is whether you care. If you want to give her more chances, don’t dump her. If she has lost all credibility with you, dump her.

Wiz

July 20, 2009

Question: Hi, my girl is always communicating with her ex boyfriend. At some point she claims to be his best friend. I think she is playing me and she also has many close male friends and claims not to like female friends. Should I dump her?

ANSWER: If it bothers you enough so you won’t tolerate it, dump her. She won’t change her thinking and she won’t change her personality for you. If she wants to keep you, she might try to change, but don’t count on any change lasting very long. The real issue is not whether she can or will change. The real issue, with all dates, is whether you like what you’ve got. If you do, don’t dump. If you don’t, dump.

What is important for you is this. Try to understand your own thinking. You don’t want to miss out on some good dating opportunities for bad reasons. You want to be confident that your likes and dislikes in a girl make good sense to you. With experience, you might decide to change, but that is your decision, and only your decision.

Your reasons to dump, after you have examined them carefully, need only satisfy you in the end. If family, friends, the girl you dump, or anyone else doesn’t like your reasoning, it matters only to the degree that you want to listen to them. Remember that the decision always rests with you. You are the decision-maker always when determining whether to dump.

Wiz

July 20, 2009

Question: Hi, my friend’s chick claims to be in love with me. At some point I have been tempted to give in because I too have some feelings for her. But I am not sure of my feelings towards her and yet I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my friend. Please help.

ANSWER: You are unsure about her, but you are sure about your friendship. Keep what you are sure of, especially if it is valuable to you. Imagine if you gave in and started dating his girl and the dates turn out to be a waste of your time. Then you’ll have no dating relationship with her and your friendship will be dirt. You’ll feel like a real chump and you will be a real chump.

Best to cool it with the girl. Keep your friendship.

Wiz

July 15, 2009

Question: I went on a single date with a girl I met online. She described herself as having "a few extra pounds," but when meeting her, it was more than a few (but not obese)!

I carried on through the date ignoring the weight issue. She was very cool, funny and even sexy (again, ignoring the weight issue). But the bottom line is that I'm not interested in seeing her again. Should I simply delete her contact info and ignore her OR should I explain to her why I have no interest in seeing her again? Is there a "nice" way to say that her weight is the reason why I'm not interested in seeing her again?

ANSWER: No, there is no nice way to say her weight is the reason. Whenever you are not satisfied, it is appropriate to dump. However, telling the girl the reason is not a good idea when it is what she looks like. Your question also does not demonstrate a need to ignore her. Email or text her that you found her cool, funny, and sexy, but that you’re not able to continue dating her for reasons that are personal to you. Tell her she is a fine young lady and you wish her well.

If you email or text her as recommended, everything you say is true. The reason you decide not to date her is personal to you, specifically, a personal preference that has nothing to do with how cool, funny, and sexy she is.

If your personal preference were against girls with big noses, would you say to a girl you dumped her because of the big nose? Would it be wrong of you to have a personal preference against big noses? The answer to both questions is “No.” A preference against big noses is silly enough that you would be embarrassed to say yes to either question. However, a preference against over-weight girls is not embarrassing, hence the readiness to do it – but the correct answer to the above two questions would be the same. This should cause some self-refection about your preferences – the reasons why, and what you do with them. Even so, it is okay and normal to have personal preferences – just so long as they are only preferences, not driven by hate or ill will. The early dates in a dating relationship are about preferences and almost nothing else.

Wiz

July 12, 2009

Question: Hi, dated this girl when she started at university. She dumped me for canceling a date for which I gave her a one week notice. I may or may not have made it as I had an important meeting at a bank.

Three weeks later she tells me she feels bad for dumping me. She thought I was playing her around and asked for me come back. I said, okay, let’s try again. The night before we got back together, she went out with university mates, got drunk, and slept with another guy (even fatter and uglier bloke than me). Next day, she tells me not to come to see her as she had sex with someone and she feels bad. She was drunk and it was a mistake.

One week later, she texts me saying she decided not to see him as he drinks too much, smokes, and scares her. Two weeks later, I forgave her as friends, and we got back a month later.

ANSWER: Goodness knows, mate, we don’t need details of whether you are fat or ugly. We do want to know, and thank you for your message, that you and she were able to re-unite when she opened her eyes seeing your gracious ability to forgive and let live.

Wiz

July 11, 2009

Question: All right, here's the deal. I've been going out with my girl for almost eight months and she had been kicked out of her house and she is living with me. I’m trying to be the good boyfriend and help her get on track by getting her a job and just trying to help her out with any little problem. But there are times when she really pisses me off by complaining about little bullshit, like my friends, and just any little problem that she will catch an attitude about, then make it seem like I did something wrong. It’s getting to the point that I get so frustrated I feel like screaming and kicking her out but I don't want to leave her on the street. I don't know what to do, whether I should help her out and keep her as my girlfriend, or dump her. I really need help with this. I’m only 19 and I feel like I am married already.

ANSWER: She apparently needs your help. If she is grateful for the help you give her, her complaints especially about small things are puzzling. In any event, the real question for you to answer is, how attached are you to her? Are you in love, or just magnanimous? Are you interested in keeping her with you at your residence, or only until she gets her feet on the ground with a new job?

If you don’t love her and don’t give her a deadline to move out, she is only a “kept woman,” which is a bad situation for both of you. If you love her, talk with her about what is bothering you and work it through, so you both can get back to enjoying each other’s company.

Once you decide which it is, handle it accordingly. If you don’t love her, give her a deadline to move out. You can help her as much as is reasonable, but do not allow her to grow too accustomed to you holding her up as a crutch.

If she wants to be independent, she needs to learn to be independent. If you want your independence, she must go, whether or not she has learned to be independent.

Wiz

July 8, 2009

Question: Why can’t I tell a girl it's over? She broke up with me three times before, while I begged her to come back. Now I don't want her anymore.

ANSWER: You wanted her back and you begged her to come back. Now you don’t want her and you will tell her to go. The difference is in the attitude. Before, you begged because she was the one to decide. Now, you tell her because you decide.

It is time to re-orient yourself. Realize that you decide this time. Reverse the attitude and you will be able to do it.

Wiz

July 6, 2009

Question: I have a really big problem here. I have two girlfriends. I want to dump one of them because I don't have any feelings for her, and I love the other one too much to let go, but I don't know if I can trust her. The one I want to dump is in the same country as I am, but the one I love is overseas studying. I have two questions, who should I dump? If I stick to the one here, I know she will care for me because she loves me a lot, but my feelings are with the other one. I'm not sure if I can trust her though, but I do know one thing, I'm her first boyfriend, and we've had something going on for about 2-3 years. So, who should I dump, and how should I do it?

ANSWER: Dump the one you don’t have any feelings for. Regardless of whether she loves you, you are not fair to her if you maintain the relationship just because you think she wants you, when you don’t have any feelings for her. Honesty is important in a dating relationship. “Relationship” is the existence of a “relation” between people. In a dating relationship, you “relate” to one another differently than you do with other people. You share a fondness for each other and a desire to be with each other. You are not only friends. Part of the attraction is that you both, at a minimum, enjoy the prospect of a romance, if it is not already a romance. With this girl, if you have no feelings for her, you do not share the prospect of a romance, and dating is a sham.

As for the other girl, it will be difficult for her to be faithful. You cannot realistically expect her to stay committed to you from overseas for a long time. She is young (presumably) and will be attracted to other guys. If you are her first boyfriend, you can’t possibly expect that her first boyfriend (you) will be her last. She will also wonder about your faithfulness, perhaps, because she will realize that you too will probably find someone else.

If you try to keep your relationship with the girl who is overseas, your reason will be to keep the hope of a romance. That is a good reason. If you choose to dump her, don’t do it to stay with the other one. Find a new girlfriend for whom you do have feelings. Do this for the same good reason, to find romance. It far exceeds the benefits of a mere friendship.

When you dump a girl, be honest, but don’t blame her or criticize her. Tell her how wonderful she is and how great she will be for another guy. Explain that you want to move on and try something else, not because something was wrong with her, but because you feel the relationship is more a friendship than a romance. Keep it clear and simple, and short. Do not delay if your decision is sure.

Wiz

July 2, 2009

Question: She doesn’t put out! Plain and simple. She’s a nice girl though!

ANSWER: Plain and simple, nice is enough!

Wiz

July 2, 2009

Question: I have been dating a girl for about seven months. She has turned out to be quite the opposite of the girl I thought she was and turned out to be a complete psycho. If I don’t answer her texts within minutes she will call or text me some absurd message saying how she will throw up if I don’t answer, and start immediately apologizing for something she thinks she did to me. I have to end it with this chick. She is insane and taking all the energy I have just trying to go through the 24 hour texting marathon that she has me running. PLEASE HELP WIZ!!! The last guy she dated ended it with her and she has tried to trash his car and get her friends to help cock block him in any way possible, even though he took all the blame for the breakup. How can I dump her and make her think it’s not my fault?? That’s the only way I think I can keep her from going insane and sending her friends to try and kill me. I’ve offered my friends money to ask her on dates so I can use that as an excuse to break it off but it hasn’t worked. Help!!!!!

ANSWER: How did you get hooked into a crime gang led by a psychotic woman from Alcatraz? All right, Alcatraz no longer exists as a real place, but she is unreal enough to belong there.

Dealing with someone whose marbles are scrunched into a garbled mess in some hidden corner of the brain, unreachable by nerves that conduct normal, logical processes, is difficult.

The thugs she has as friends complicate the appropriate means of redress for you because, if you are right about them, they are an inevitable burden whatever you do.

She is hooked on you and is taking on symptoms of dependency. This is a dangerous diagnosis that requires swift and sure non-action. Yes, non-action. Stop texting. Turn it off. Terminate all contact. Stop taking phone calls. Stop communicating with her altogether. That gets you out of the marathon and communicates your total disregard for her pleadings to you for an answer. This is a mean and disheartening way to end a relationship, and not a means recommended in normal cases by the Wiz. Your situation is extraordinary and hence requires extraordinary measures.

Assuming all of your facts to be true, this woman, primarily due to her henchmen friends, is a danger to your peace and security. The only way to deal with this kind of maniacal, ruinous behavior is to put a wall up between you and her. Just stop dealing with her in any fashion. No calls, no texting. Don’t even look at her. Your message, conveyed to her by non-action, will be plain and simple. She will yell or complain and cry and bitterly tell all her friends how mean and uncaring and disgusting you are.

The acts of her friends that you describe are crimes. As with anyone, all you can do is be watchful and report any crimes to the police.

Finally, understand this. She will overcome it. Her friends will tire of it. No matter how hurt she feels, no matter how sorry her friends feel for her, the world around them all is much bigger than you and your relationship with her. As with all dating relationships that end, it is a short chapter in a long book, and there will be so much more to read about in her future chapters, none of which will include you.

So it will end. Just do as recommended and bear with it.

Wiz

June 29, 2009

Question: Well, there’s this girl and she’s pretty. We've dated a couple times, but she always breaks up with me. We're going out now but I don’t know if it’s for real this time.

ANSWER: She likes you. That much you know, because she wouldn’t go out with you some of the time – and keep coming back – if she didn’t. If that knowledge is enough, and if you don’t get your hopes up for the sure thing – which can still come along, you know – then keep dating and see what happens!

Wiz

June 29, 2009

Question: Okay, it’s kind of complicated. I met a girl four years ago and we went out for five months. She was the most amazing person I ever met. We broke up and I found out later it was because she is scared of relationships.

I dated another girl for six months and she dumped me for cheating. Last year we got back together and are currently dating.

I can’t stop thinking about the girl from four years ago. We have kept in contact and I found out recently she has liked me for a year now. I have talked to her about it and she likes me but still doesn’t want a relationship. My current girlfriend is in love with me and I felt the same at the start, but now I can’t think of anyone but the other girl. The thing is, if I dump my girlfriend, it would destroy her. She lives for me and I’m not trying to sound big-headed or anything like that. The other girl is so shy she can only talk to me on the phone and in person only when she’s drunk. My girlfriend was away this past weekend and I went out to a pub with this girl and it was amazing. Everything about her just seems like it’s too good. I don’t know what to do. If I dump my girlfriend and it kills her . . ., and even if I did, this other girl can’t have a relationship. It’s not like she doesn’t want to – she’s been like that her whole life. By the way, it isn’t one of those times where reassurance would work in convincing her. So, I need help. What do I do??

ANSWER: It isn’t complicated unless you make it so. Let’s start with the girl you met four years ago. You say she went out with you for five months. The break up was caused by her fear of relationships. Now she still has a fear of relationships and she still does not want a relationship with you. So why, in heaven’s name, do you want to go out with her? She can only talk to you on the telephone and in person when she is drunk? That is a weird and unworkable formula for any relationship. It is . . . ah . . . stupid.

Now let’s take a look at your current girlfriend. Do not ever stay in a relationship to save a girl from getting unhappy or upset. You are not a dog on a leash that lives to keep his master happy. The only reason you date a woman, and stay with her, is because you love her so much that you desire to date her and stay with her.

If you can’t get the woman you dated four years out of your mind, you are not occupying your mind enough with the woman you are dating. And, if you are unable to re-direct your attention to her, overcoming the unusual attraction you have for the woman who does not want a relationship, you must not very much love the woman you are dating.

The logical thing to do is end the current relationship and forego dating the other woman. This will help your current girlfriend understand that you are not cheating and you are not dumping her for another woman. Then, after time has elapsed and your girlfriend is over the worst of it, you can try, if you feel so inclined, to date the woman you knew four years ago. Perhaps she will have matured, or will have received some psychotherapy, enough to learn how to endure a fruitful relationship – assuming, of course, you will make it fruitful.

Wiz

June 27, 2009

Question: I have a girlfriend who had a family party that I was invited to and I was at my place only about 10 meters away. She completely ignored me when people came around until she was bored, and now I feel like a last resort. What should I do?

ANSWER: Give her a break. You can’t be the number one focus of her attention – and you shouldn’t be – during a family party. A long list of possible reasons, all of them good, exist to explain why you felt like a last resort. Be glad you were a resort.

Wiz

June 26, 2009

Question: I have these two female friends – Aand B. We all worked together. I was just friends with A before B. When I met B, though, I was instantly attracted to her. As I got to know her and we all hung out, I really grew to have strong feelings for her. I was a total idiot. I would get too nervous and didn’t ask her out even though friends were giving me advice and telling me to. B left to go work somewhere else but we all still hung out. I made the mistake of blowing it and not asking B out. I thought she lost interest in me. Then, I started dating A. After I started dating A, B tells me that she liked me all along. B said when she had asked me to hang out once alone, it was because she liked me. Stupid me! I blew her off! Here’s the OTHER problem: turns out, A knew all along that B was very interested in me and was giving her advice for a long time. But A never told me about B’s feelings – and now A is dating me herself. I got an email from B saying she was always interested in me but she feels betrayed by A and has ended their friendship. She also said she’s moving away from the group because it would be too hard to be a part of it anymore. I haven’t responded to B’s email (this was one month ago) and I haven’t heard from her. I’m afraid she’s gone for good. Should I dump A and ask B out now that I know how she really feels? I mean, didn’t A lie to both me and B and get in the middle, and I too should feel betrayed? Should I wait a while to dump A before I contact B? How do I go about this? Thanks for the advice.

ANSWER: If your relationship with A has not spun you into a crazed dizzy love, go date B. Why wait? Simple as that. Go tell B that you want to make up for lost time.

Wiz

June 23, 2009

Question: Look, me and my girl have been fighting a lot and she says that our relationship is dying. What should I do?

ANSWER: When a girl says the relationship is dying, it usually is already dead. Accept it and find someone else.

Wiz

June 22, 2009

Question: How do I know if I should dump her? She's shy and nice, but it seems like she'd cheat.

ANSWER: You cannot know until she does so. If she is shy and nice, maybe she really is shy and nice. Date and enjoy and treat her well.

If she cheats, dump her if you wish, but don’t chastise her for thinking she found someone better. And remember, that guy will then have to worry, does she cheat?

Wiz

June 21, 2009

Question: My girlfriend is 26 years old and we have been together one year.

I recently read her diary and found out that she has slept with 42 guys before me (and in the three month period before she met me, slept with over ten different guys).

Am I right to be disgusted with this and dump her? Or do you think I should just try and forget about it and be grateful that she chose me?

ANSWER: If you are bothered by this, dump her. If a woman dates only special guys and she picks you, you will feel special. If a woman dates every guy she meets in the alley and she picks you, will you be grateful she chose you?

Surely she did not intend to write her diary for your enjoyment. Private things like diaries are better to ignore. Take this advice: Never explore what you should ignore (or never again will you snore).

Are you sure it was a diary? The details are so far off the normalcy scale one must wonder whether she was writing a piece of fiction in diary form, for entertainment.

Wiz

June 19, 2009 une 19, 2009

Question: My girlfriend and I started, well, as best of both worlds(friends) until that fateful day we went further as friends by doing that which was to know each other very well, but it seems like my homework is not yet done by knowing her. We are approaching a year now being together. Since ever we started, to date life has all been about her, so to say, she never does anything wrong, and if I do I will get a lashing, curse, or yelling, which at first she was not like this. Ever since, I have been justifying myself. Another thing is that if by accident my phone is off, she assumes that I am with another girl, which is not the case. And whenever hers is off she will never hear me throw tantrums. Her jealousy is driving me mad. I don't know what to do any more. Like recently, she was complaining to her friends. I don’t cheat, switch off my phone, or try push her away. When I ask, what is it she wants from me, she can't give me an answer.

ANSWER: She wants something different from you, that’s all. Tell her you want to be regular friends again and only regular friends. Leave the relationship right there. Then get yourself some one who enjoys your company and wants more and more of it.

Wiz

June 18, 2009 June 18, 2009

Question: My girl of one year slept with her ex boyfriend after we had argued and I dumped her. Should I take her back because she claims to still love me.

ANSWER: The question you must ask yourself is: Does it bother you that she slept with her ex boyfriend? When a girl has an argument with a current boyfriend, sleeping with the ex boyfriend is a numbskull reaction, isn’t it? Perhaps some details exist that the Wiz does not know that explain this peculiar response to an argument she had with you – or perhaps it was not a reaction at all, just a fact.

If you get over the fact that she slept with the ex boyfriend, the next question you must ask yourself is: Do you believe her, that she still loves you?

If yes, take her back.

Wiz

June 8, 2009

Question: My girlfriend of almost two years is constantly picking fights over bull**** reasons, slips of the tongue and just for the sake of picking fights. Is she just trying to get me to break up with her? We have split a couple times and I immediately get the drunk call saying "you’re an ******* I hate you come over I love you." Is she just crazy, or are all women that way?

ANSWER: Something is bothering her if she constantly fights over small things. It could be anything – an itch or pain, a thought or memory, troubles at home, you, issues at school, or who knows.

In varying degrees and extremes, some people operate on a fast clock, pushy, and bossy. They plow through everything in their way. They bluster into every situation in overdrive. These same people, if they don’t get their way, because they are young, or hampered by an illness, or for any other reason feel incapable of their normal bravado or pace, resort to bad language, complaining, and bickering. At old age, they are more cantankerous. When in love, they express it more, and expect more from their partner.

Anyway, your girlfriend may have some of that kind of spirit.

Undoubtedly, not all women are like that, and whether she is crazy cannot be determined from your question.

Whether you stay with her depends on how much you like her because she is what she is. You cannot change her.

Wiz

June 4, 2009

Question: Should I dump my girlfriend, because we’ve been going out for seven weeks and I still ain’t seen her because she lives quite a way away. Should I dump her? Because it seems she is not making the effort, but I really like her.

ANSWER: If you do like her, ask her if she wants to make a go of it. If she does, it will take extra effort by both of you to keep it going over the distance you are apart. That’s the unfortunate fact of long distance relationships.

Be aware that if she hasn’t found a boyfriend more conveniently close, she probably will eventually, if you don’t manage to move or get her to move while the relationship is still hot.

Wiz

June 3, 2009

Question: Well, I have a girlfriend for at least for like three months. I met her in school and now she invites me to her house on weekends. She is really hot and sometimes when she invites me she takes off her clothes and tries to have sex with me. Well, I like that and I like her, but I think I would get in trouble if she keeps having sex with me, and she is hot and sexy. So, should I break up with her?

ANSWER: Well, if this is the same person who asked the last question, the tune of the question has changed a little. It is no longer mild behavior – it is the real, complete thing. And that can mean trouble if protection is not used.

The other difference, however, is that you say you like her. In that circumstance, you don’t want to let her go if you like her just because she wants to have sex with you. Most guys are shaking their heads right now, wondering if you’re bonkers.

The answer is this. Simply, she may have a highly wired sex drive, or she may feel that she has to be sexy with you to keep you interested in her. Tell her the truth – that she turns you on quite dramatically – but also that you like her and she should not feel that sex is necessary for a good time and a long-term relationship (though it must figure in, after all, but in measured, safe ways).

Wiz

June 3, 2009

Question: Well, I have a girlfriend who IS REALLY ******* REALLY HOT AND SEXY and sometimes she usually kisses me and takes off her clothes!!!! I know that’s mild and I don’t know if I should dump her. I don’t like her personality. I am into the hotness and sexiness of her body and bikini and boobs.

ANSWER: Nine out of ten guys would quickly learn to adjust their personality to hers just to enjoy those items of interest. Yes, guys do love sexiness – but, when it comes down to the gritty, dirty facts of life, reality sets in. The personality is important if you want a lasting relationship.

Decide what you want. Entertainment or valuable companionship. Then choose.

More explicitly, enjoy the entertainment, then decide if you want to adjust enough to keep her for a while, until you know if you still have to adjust to keep her long term (because, you know, if she wants you, she can adjust some too).

Wiz

May 27, 2009

Question: We have been together for two months and she is a bit of an attention seeker. We barely have alone time and have only made love twice. Sometimes I feel as if she doesn’t love me anymore. Should I confront her or leave her, as I feel she is trying to do to me?

ANSWER: She can be a good attention seeker if the attention she seeks is yours. And she did, at least twice. Any way, if you feel she doesn’t love you, she probably doesn’t. But if you have doubts, there is never harm in asking – “Hey, how are we doin’? Do we need to juice up this relationship? Or are we done?”

Wiz

May 19, 2009

Question: Thanks for your advice. Wiz, I have decided I want to end my current relationship and work things out with my ex.

I know you have been asked this a hundred times already, but what is the best way to go about my current relationship?

I live in St. Croix and she is from the U.S.. She doesn't have many friends here and I feel kind of responsible for her as she extended her visa just to be with me even though she misses home.

To make matters worse we have booked a month long holiday to her home country leaving in 4 weeks time. She is looking forward to me meeting her friends and family.

How do I break up with her? I have considered taking the wimp route of 'disappearing' before the flight out and hope that she doesn't return but I know that I would not be able to live with myself if I did that to her!

I shouldn't even be asking this, as I know that I should just be up front and honest with her, but it is so hard when she is so good to me. I'm also not 100% sure it is the right thing to do but know that I have to make the decision between her and my ex very soon or lose both.

ANSWER: Do not wimp out on this one, whichever way you decide to go. You are responsible for the consequences you intend or those consequences you knew would happen or should have known would happen but did not prevent when you could prevent them. This responsibility comes with a caveat, however, that you are responsible to yourself and usually to more than one person. When consequences can be avoided for some but cannot be avoided for others, decisions must be made, and you should not feel guilt if you have made your choices as responsibly as possible.

You are in a bind because your current girlfriend is a fine, lovely woman who wants you and welcomes you to meet her family and friends. Just at this moment, you are having qualms about keeping distant from your ex, whom you think you love, and who wants you back. Hurrah, Hurrah.

You must either disappoint your ex, who you cheated on before and she could not forgive you but now wants you back, or disappoint your current girlfriend, who appears to be devoted to you. You cheated on the first one and now you are about to tear into shambles your relationship with the second one, all to repair the relationship with the first one.

The advice given (May 10) was that if you still love the first one, and don’t love the second one, it is better to disappoint the second one now before all the planned travel, and revive the relationship with the first. This advice assumes the first girl really does want you back and is ready to love you – and that you really love her. If either of those conditions are not true, you should not abandon the second girl. If they are really true, the second girl will be hurt even more when you dump her for your ex after you travel with her to meet family and friends.

Yes, your girlfriend will be very hurt and disappointed. Better, nonetheless, if you tell her the truth about your feelings and let her feel the hurt now rather than lead her on so needlessly through such an important time, in her mind, of building your love for each other – clueless that the love on your side does not exist.

If you decide to go with your girlfriend, will you selflessly dismiss the love you feel for your ex and stay committed to build a healthy long-term relationship with your girlfriend? You must say yes, and let your ex find some other guy, or tell her the truth and not go.

Both decisions are morally plausible. You must be the one to decide.

Be very sure about the relationship with the ex. If you are wrong, you will make a second error you will regret deeply and your girlfriend will likely never take you back. If you conclude you are not sure and that you are banking on hope more than fact, let the ex go. That was a mistake you made before and you can live with it. Better to learn from one past mistake than make two mistakes you regret deeply, leaving two victims in the wake of your indiscretion or indecision.

Wiz

May 19, 2009

Question: I have been dating a girl for about the last two and half years. We are not together. She's in another city and I am in the other. We get to see each other for about twice a year, so we talk on the phone a lot. She used to tell me about a guy who helped her a lot and would praise him to me, and told me that she liked him. Now she's telling me that she was going out with him and even kissed him and more all behind me. Now she is telling me that she loves me and she had dumped that guy. What should I do? Should I dump her or give her a chance, though our relationship won’t be the same as before?

ANSWER: If you only get to see each other about twice a year, don’t expect her to remain faithful for long. And, if the relationship won’t be the same as before if you give her a chance, why bother? Let her go so she can have a more meaningful relationship, and take the opportunity for you to find a closer girl for more frequent dating and a better relationship.

Wiz

May 18, 2009

Question: Getting distant and just feels that she's walking all over my trust?? We've got a holiday booked for next month but can’t decide whether to confront the problem or not?

ANSWER: Two choices. Confront the problem now, risking the holiday fun, or wait until after the holiday. Answer: Confront the problem now. If you do, you can resolve it before the holiday and have a spectacular time. If you fail to resolve it, you won’t go on holiday together and be miserable. If you wait, the holiday will likely be miserable anyway, because of the unresolved problem.

If you love her, tell her you love her. Don’t wait for the holiday to be sure she knows it. That will help as a beginning to the discussion you might have before the holiday.

Wiz

May 10, 2009

Question: I'm 29 year old male. I lost my girlfriend of 10 years after she found out I was cheating on her just over a year ago.

For 4 months I was depressed and begging for her to take me back, but she wouldn't.

Then I met my current girlfriend and we have been together for almost a year now. I like her a lot and she is very good to me, but I still love my ex and miss her a lot.

For the last 5 months my ex has wanted me back and I have been torn between the two ever since, and don't know what to do.

Should I stay with my current girlfriend and try and forget the past, but potentially miss my ex for years to come?

Or should I end my current relationship and gamble on trying to work things out with my ex, now that she is willing to give me a second chance?

ANSWER: This is a judgment call – and one you will need to make carefully. If you love your ex, and loved her before, why were you unfaithful to her? Look seriously at yourself to figure it out. If you were just stupid, or too weak to avoid temptation, but always loved her, lean in favor of your ex. If you didn’t love your ex, or you liked the girl with whom you were unfaithful to your ex, don’t end your current relationship for your ex because you are too unreliable to trust your own instincts.

However, if you always loved your ex, still love your ex, and if you believe your ex, the best choice is to get back to your ex when the opportunity arises.

Of course, don’t try to stay with both. It won’t work – you’ll end up with neither.

Wiz

May 9, 2009

Question: I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months now!!! with this girl who loves me a lot. I initially loved her, but now I don’t!

I recently was introduced to a new girl through a common girl. I like the girl very much and even she likes me a lot.

Now I want to dump my old girlfriend, but she’s already been dumped three times. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I feel so messed up. Please, wiz . . . help me!

ANSWER: You can’t avoid her disappointment, but you can give her the chance to get someone else. Tell her you want to move on to another relationship – not because there was anything wrong with her, just that you feel a need to do something different. Tell her she was indeed a great person and someone who will do real well finding another guy. As with every dump, be nice to her, don’t criticize, and be clear about your decision (assuming, of course, that you are sure about it).

Don’t be too worried about her. Three dumps isn’t that many in the bigger picture. Everybody gets dumped, and getting dumped helps prepare her for the next dump. She may feel disappointed and may be more cautious with the next guy – and that isn’t so bad a result.

Wiz

May 7, 2009

Question: I’ve been off and on with this girl for almost 4 years and we started dating and it’s been 7months. But it seems like we never hangout as much, and she’s always busy and, I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it. What should I do??

ANSWER: When she is always busy, that means she ain’t feelin’ it either. Dump her. Find a girl who makes every day with her worth it.

Wiz

May 5, 2009

Question: There is this one girl and I really like her but she said she will only make out. She won't **** ** * **. She will laugh at almost anything and my friends think she is kind of weird. Should I go out with her?

ANSWER: If you like her and she likes you, that is all the chemistry needed for a good time.

Her sexual practices are up to her, which means when and if she ever will change, that is up to her. Don’t pressure her to do what she is not ready or willing to do.

What your friends think is irrelevant to what will be your best choice in a girl. It is what you like, and only what you like, that should move you to ask a girl out.

Wiz